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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I honestly believe she is lying. AIBU to call her out on it?

40 replies

PepperPepperMan · 13/08/2021 21:29

New colleague blatantly embellishing the truth to say the very least.

We spend a lot of time travelling in a car together. She always instigates the conversations which are far stretched.

Most reason one is being adopted under the age of 1. Birth mum found out about a tragic event that hit the adoptive family 15 years after adoption.
Birth mum found the adoptive mum on Facebook, contact made wanting to take child back but social services intervened and said no because birth mum had killed said child’s brother.

Today’s revelation is much more far fetched than other examples but even so, there are so many holes in each yarn. Do I remain silent with a head tilt or call it out in the hope that it stops?

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 13/08/2021 21:33

Are 100% sure it's not true?

I mean teb birth mum killing another child could be easy to find out.

Its not usual for birth parents to try and get their kids back years later. Happened to a friend of mine that had adopted.

The family were totally unsuitable to have kids. They were trying to contact the child (mid teens) and get them to do awful things and tell SS that she wanted to go back.

Caused a lot of issues for a long time, until the child was at least 21.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 13/08/2021 21:34

Why fo you think she is lying? Some of real stories sound very far fetched, but happened.
People probably sometimes think I make up stories because some of my experiences are bit out there for most people🤷🏻

HeronLanyon · 13/08/2021 21:37

Well if you can’t stop the nonsense of that is what it is tell her you are doing a language course and need to time to listen (for tests or whatever) - pods in - whether you listen to anything at all or nothing is up to you.

SweatyBetty20 · 13/08/2021 21:38

I worked with a compulsive liar. Not easy in a car (we shared a small office so I feel your pain). I’d put earbuds in saying I was concentrating, or if out and about I’d show disinterest and change the subject as often as I could.

Biancadelrioisback · 13/08/2021 21:38

You believe she is lying, but she may not be. She may twist the truth or embellish but the core may be true.
What on earth would/could you say other than "I think you're lying"? Even then, what would the benefit be?

purpleme12 · 13/08/2021 21:39

I had a friend who, let's say I'm sure she embellished a lot and/or made up stuff.
I didn't call her out in it no but I'd kind of reply a bit more non commitally if that makes sense. Kind of giving it less attention. Cos I thought she did it for attention

NautaOcts · 13/08/2021 21:43

If you’re pretty sure it’s embellished, and/or you feel she’s looking for a dramatic reaction from you, it’s pretty immature but I would probably take pleasure in being weirdly nonchalant about the whole thing. Not outright saying you suspect it’s not true or anything but just have a real non reaction to it and not give her the drama she’s looking for. Be like ‘oh right. Hmm.’

LakeShoreD · 13/08/2021 21:43

Even if it is true surely it’s massively inappropriate to be telling a new work colleague all of this stuff? Silent with head tilt definitely better than calling her out though, really you have no way of knowing if it’s true but I certainly wouldn’t engage with it. And if there was anyway I could get out of car sharing with her then I would. Otherwise headphones in if you’re the passenger/say you need to concentrate on the navigation if you’re the driver.

2021V2 · 13/08/2021 21:44

@SweatyBetty20

I worked with a compulsive liar. Not easy in a car (we shared a small office so I feel your pain). I’d put earbuds in saying I was concentrating, or if out and about I’d show disinterest and change the subject as often as I could.
Stop giving her a lift?
Original poster
PepperPepperMan · 13/08/2021 21:45

@purpleme12

I had a friend who, let's say I'm sure she embellished a lot and/or made up stuff. I didn't call her out in it no but I'd kind of reply a bit more non commitally if that makes sense. Kind of giving it less attention. Cos I thought she did it for attention
This is very spot on. I’m very non commital in response and never ask open questions.

I’m the driver so I can’t wear ear buds.

It may well be true, to an extent. I can’t really put my finger on it but it’s very trump every issue a client has with a story much longer and harder than anyone else.

It’s draaaaaining

OP posts:
TheRealHousewife · 13/08/2021 21:45

If I was to give you my life story you would find it unbelievable. Really unbelievable. But it’s all true. Unfortunately.

I’ve been told I’m ‘far too nice’ for what I shared happened to me to actually have happened. Had resilience in spades when younger but not so much now.

YABU

HerRoyalNotness · 13/08/2021 21:49

I’d do what I do when I need my toddler to stop yelling in the car “oooh look a horse!”

You can’t really accuse her of lying in the small chance it might be true. Carry on with the non committal answers

Original poster
PepperPepperMan · 13/08/2021 21:51

@TheRealHousewife

If I was to give you my life story you would find it unbelievable. Really unbelievable. But it’s all true. Unfortunately.

I’ve been told I’m ‘far too nice’ for what I shared happened to me to actually have happened. Had resilience in spades when younger but not so much now.

YABU

Love your username - back on topic, unbelievable real life trauma and life experiences is something I can understand and acknowledge. It’s the extra details, long winded explanation and details that make me wonder.always referencing to how her situations was much more dire than the client or person she is referring to.

If I had fish and chips on the sea front she caught her cod, skinned it alive and cooked it over candlelight.

OP posts:
Ozanj · 13/08/2021 21:51

Ppl with some SEN and MH disorders don’t think linearly or able to storytell so the story may seem different to you (or not match up) but in fact they’re just telling a different version of the truth.

Whatinthelord · 13/08/2021 21:54

What would be gained by calling her out? She’s unlikely to admit it and I’m guessing you don’t have any concrete proof she’s lying.

I’d just ignore/ limit interaction with her as much as possible.

Personally I think if someone lies to that extent there probably a complicated reason for it.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 13/08/2021 21:55

@TheRealHousewife

If I was to give you my life story you would find it unbelievable. Really unbelievable. But it’s all true. Unfortunately.

I’ve been told I’m ‘far too nice’ for what I shared happened to me to actually have happened. Had resilience in spades when younger but not so much now.

YABU

But presumably, if you know it sounds quite extreme or intense, you only bring it up in contexts where that’s an appropriate thing to do?

The OP’s colleague is casually dropping her stories on someone she only knows slightly, who hasn’t asked, and who’s giving her a lift and should be focused on driving.

It’s partly the context in which someone shares this stuff that shapes whether it comes across as genuine.

Original poster
PepperPepperMan · 13/08/2021 21:56

@Ozanj

Ppl with some SEN and MH disorders don’t think linearly or able to storytell so the story may seem different to you (or not match up) but in fact they’re just telling a different version of the truth.
Very good point. I have siblings with SEN so I can understand to a point in regards to telling a very different version. The only thing I can’t identify with is the one up man ship and massive embellishment on their side.
OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 13/08/2021 21:58

lemon I agree.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 13/08/2021 22:21

Are the clients vulnerable in some way? I know you may not want to give much detail, but if you're doing something like social work or care giving is there any danger that she might be emotionally affecting the clients or causing some emotional damage to herself?

If you think that she's competent for the work and it's just the monologue that's boring you could you have something like an audio book going anytime you're in the car? Something episodic and humorous might work, like Cabin Fever (BBC production) which is half-hour episodes and totally hilarious. She might enjoy listening, and even if she doesn't you can shush her, or maybe alternate days where you choose what to listen to and the next where she chooses. Distraction often works just as well for adults as it does for toddlers.

DrManhattan · 13/08/2021 22:25

I used to work with someone just like this. Total crap made up rubbish every day. Some of it so ridiculous and far fetched. We are talking bit off his tongue and it grew back. Anyways these people always come unstuck in the end. It's fun to watch.

iwannabelikeyouhoohoo · 13/08/2021 22:28

I used to work with someone like this.

It’s not just one unbelievable story, it’ll be one each day, or more. Sometimes I think things have a grain of truth but others were just borrowed from other people’s stories (sometimes my own) and there were huge holes in them. There was nothing to gain from pointing them out. She just brazened it out or ignored you, changed the subject and came up with another story. She couldn’t keep track of what she’d told you - one story was that she should have been a twin but her sibling died in pregnancy. I had lost a late-term baby myself, and I think she was trying to connect so that’s why she’d told me. Except a few weeks later I mentioned it again (not in a caught-you-out sort of way but just a reference to it) and her confusion was palpable until she suddenly remembered and recovered for a response.

Eventually I just stopped engaging. She liked the sound of her own voice so non-committal noises and nodding worked best.

PicaK · 13/08/2021 22:29

Look up confabulation. Could it be that? Rather than lying.
Won't change anything except your reaction to it. But that might be easier to adjust than changing her.
Sounds infuriating though.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/08/2021 22:31

I doubt that people with fantastical, traumatic stories that are true want to go around telling all and sundry about it. Especially a colleague.

Even if it is true - she really shouldn’t be telling you.
Just act normal and hope she gives up when she doesn’t get the attention she’s looking for. Work is work.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/08/2021 22:32

Also to add - a colleague sharing something deeply traumatic (in a moment of closeness) is usually not lying compared to someone who has a hard life story every single day…

BoredZelda · 13/08/2021 22:34

I can’t really put my finger on it but it’s very trump every issue a client has with a story much longer and harder than anyone else.

My brother’s partner is like this. We thought at first she was just trying to fit in/be interesting, but 15 years on we just inwardly roll our eyes.