To stop talking to a friend for getting back with her ex?

[Hairbrush123]

I’ve had a friend (who is one of my closest friends) who has been seen a man for circa seven years. The first year or two was normal - arguments happened but a healthy amount but then suddenly it all changed.

He broke up with her after admitting he doesn’t love her anymore about a year-and-a-half into the relationship and went on a lads’ holiday and slept with several women and got back with her after the holiday. Their relationship has never been stable ever since! They argue in the middle of the night, he calls her horrific names, says she’s not good enough for him, says their sex life is shit and he wants to have a threesome and has said she’s not wife material. To add to this, he’s constantly breaking up with her when she speaks up and she begs for him to come back and which he does.

The latest is, he’s broken up with her (for the 7th time this year) and I give it until the end of the week before they’re back together. I am quite frankly sick of hearing about their problems as I always give good advice and she doesn’t listen and gets back with him. AIBU to cut her off if they get back together? If not - is there another way I can get her to not get back with him?

You cannot control what she does. You can, however, step back from the friendship and refuse to get involved in any more drama.

I dropped a friendship like this as it was infuriating after a while and I felt like we never talked about anything other than her relationship drama. I felt bad but didn’t regret it. We weren’t that close though. If it was a best friend I don’t know what to advise. Maybe making a deal that you will continue to be friends so long as you don’t discuss their relationship full stop anymore?

I am quite frankly sick of hearing about their problems as I always give good advice and she doesn’t listen and gets back with him.

Maybe she doesn't want advice and just wants to offload. There is nothing you can do if she doesn't want to make any changes apart from be there for her but it's very difficult hearing the same thing time and again

You’ve got to protect yourself.

@Orgasmagorical

I am quite frankly sick of hearing about their problems as I always give good advice and she doesn’t listen and gets back with him.

Maybe she doesn't want advice and just wants to offload. There is nothing you can do if she doesn't want to make any changes apart from be there for her but it's very difficult hearing the same thing time and again

You’re right. It is so infuriating hearing the same thing over and over. Ive said he’s never going to change and she’s makes up an excuse for his behaviour and says she won’t find any better which saddens me because she can.

I don't know if I could abandon her. She's in an abusive relationship and she needs help.
However, being on the other side of this would be incredibly draining, so I can't blame you for feeling the way you do.

Does her family know how bad her relationship is?

It sounds like he’s broken her down to the point that she feels worthless and it makes her feel she cannot leave; essentially a form of emotional abuse. I’ve been the person in that relationship and i know it was difficult for my friends but I can’t imagine any of my close friends dropping a friendship based on that. It feels that you’re making it about you when it’s not really.
Im sorry that this sounds unkind but I find it really sad that someone would drop a friendship based on this amd I don’t really understand the previous comment about having to protect yourself; in what way is this hurting you beyond seeing your friend in pain? Even if you end the friendship you’ll know what Is happening and will be no less painful.
All you can really do is support her snd try to help her self esteem develop

I walked away from a friendship like this over ten years ago. Nothing but drama , if we went out he would follow us from bar to bar and it all came to head one night when he squared up to me inside one bar and grabbed me. He was arrested and I never ever spoke to her again after she defended him assaulting me after he was dragged away. It was one of the best decisions of my life. She is still with him , they've a couple of kids , a local authority house but he refuses to live with her or support their kids. I'm so glad I saved myself 10 years of their bullshit.

You can only support others in abusive relationships for so long. I think its fine to say I really value you but I need to step away for my own mh.

I’ve stepped back from a friendship like this. I couldn’t listen to her moaning about him , he was vile and then her begging him to come back which he did if she did this or that! I was infuriating and I needed to step back for my own good.

I've had to distance myself ftom someone very close because of this. I'd have whole weekends of her crying, me staying with her then they'd be back together on Monday. It happened so often I was drained and she became so needy I had to stop taking every call and if she moaned about him I wouldn't day anything. I'm sad we're not as close but she lives for drama & it's very boring!

Yes, sad as it is sometimes you have to protect yourself from the drama

Just ask her to stop talking about her relationship issues with you, as you've told her that the only solution you have to offer is that she dump the arsehole, and she won't. If she's still taking to you about it after that, then you can cut her off with a clearish conscience. (I'd still let her know you're there for her in an emergency, but don't say that if you won't be, which is what it sounds like.)

I hate things like this. I had a friend who did it repeatedly, made worse by the fact that they had a child together. One week I was hearing how he was a shit, worst man in the world, not fit to lick Donald Trump’s boots. The next week he was lovely and couldn’t believe what a fab dad he was and she couldn’t wait to go away with him.

Eventually I just sort of phased her out and became a lot less available for play dates etc. It felt mean but I don’t like drama and didn’t want to be on a constant carousel of heartbreak with someone who had no interest in trying to help themselves. I don’t mind comforting a friend when they’ve had a breakup or something but not regularly, then it just becomes so that you’re an audience to their drama.

I also find people like this are very self obsessed. They are wrapped up in their drama so every lunch out becomes about listening to them go on and on about the latest dramatic showdown, and very little of them asking about you and your life.

Don't abandon. She's in an abusive relationship.

It seems that there may be many layers to this.

She is in an abusive and dysfunctional relationship - but it seems that you might be unwittingly be part of the dynamic. If you are used for offloading then maybe that’s releasing just enough pressure for her to go back to him?

Seems that she might be dumping her load on you rather than shouldering it herself?

You can “be there for her” in another way. Say that you any conversations about her relationship are off limits - see what’s actually left of your friendship or is it all one sided?

Have a look at the woman’s aid resources and the advice they give about supporting someone in an abusive relationship.

I was in a relationship almost as bad as this for six years. When you're in it, you can't see the wood for the trees. It fucks up your entire sense of self, your self-worth, self-esteem, and you no longer know what reality is.

My two best friends were AMAZING to me. They were patient, they always listened, they always encouraged me to leave her, and they never abandoned me. If they had, I think I'd still be in that relationship, because I wouldn't have had any kind of totem of reality at all. I would have had nobody to turn to.

It's completely up to you what you do. You don't have to sit there and spend hours and hours of your time constantly rescuing her from the situation. You can say that you don't know how to help her, because she keeps going back; but that you love her and will be there for her no matter what. If you want to be.

You are a great friend OP!

I would not cut her off.
I would tell her what I think, that I think she should leave him and never come back, and that I would not be there to listen to their issues anymore because it is draining. But willing to remain her friend, go out, share interests and so on....
Hopefully she will get rid of him this time.
If it gets too much for you because she keeps offloading on you the same stuff again, then, yes I would understand to end the friendship. But I think it is worthy to have a chat first.

I would say to her really simply and honestly that you don't think her relationship is healthy, it is abusive and you tried hard to be supportive and listen but you now want to remove yourself. You can't continue to support her in this.
If she is ever in the position where she needs your help or has left him for good, you'll be there for her and would love a friendship but for now you are backing away and won't be in contact.

She needs to hear the harsh truth and feel the severity of how much this man is destroying her life.

It's hard to call if this is an abusive relationship or she's just loving the drama and attention.

I would tell her how you feel. Not in a horrible way, but that you're exhausted with all the relationship ups and downs and all the upset.

See how she responds before you make any decisions.

@dustofneptune

I was in a relationship almost as bad as this for six years. When you're in it, you can't see the wood for the trees. It fucks up your entire sense of self, your self-worth, self-esteem, and you no longer know what reality is.

My two best friends were AMAZING to me. They were patient, they always listened, they always encouraged me to leave her, and they never abandoned me. If they had, I think I'd still be in that relationship, because I wouldn't have had any kind of totem of reality at all. I would have had nobody to turn to.

It's completely up to you what you do. You don't have to sit there and spend hours and hours of your time constantly rescuing her from the situation. You can say that you don't know how to help her, because she keeps going back; but that you love her and will be there for her no matter what. If you want to be.

This was me too.

My STBXH was vile to me for years and totally gaslit me. I was made to feel crap - made worse by some of his friends who seemed to back him up and say I was controlling/jealous/blah blah (not knowing what he was like until they were on the receiving end of his behaviour in due course).

I am SO SO grateful to the friends who stood by me (and listened to me offload), they were my life saviours. I totally get how bored they must have been listening to me in despair at times.

I eventually left him and an in a much better place now.

You certainly find out who your friends are.

Well if you want to save the friendship id be saying to friend that you'll be there for her if they split up, but you're not going to give advice on the relationship woes as your input isn't helping and it's taking over your friendship in an unhealthy way. For a few weeks get good at polite mmm-ing and gently changing the subject/ moving the conversation along.

This was me once OP. I'm a sensible person normally but in the middle of this kind of relationship I was a different person- I genuinely felt worthless without him because he'd made me feel like that. Thank god for my friends who stuck by me.