To stop talking to a friend for getting back with her ex?

[Hairbrush123]

I’ve had a friend (who is one of my closest friends) who has been seen a man for circa seven years. The first year or two was normal - arguments happened but a healthy amount but then suddenly it all changed.

He broke up with her after admitting he doesn’t love her anymore about a year-and-a-half into the relationship and went on a lads’ holiday and slept with several women and got back with her after the holiday. Their relationship has never been stable ever since! They argue in the middle of the night, he calls her horrific names, says she’s not good enough for him, says their sex life is shit and he wants to have a threesome and has said she’s not wife material. To add to this, he’s constantly breaking up with her when she speaks up and she begs for him to come back and which he does.

The latest is, he’s broken up with her (for the 7th time this year) and I give it until the end of the week before they’re back together. I am quite frankly sick of hearing about their problems as I always give good advice and she doesn’t listen and gets back with him. AIBU to cut her off if they get back together? If not - is there another way I can get her to not get back with him?

OP would she speak to Women's Aid ?

could you persuade her that there are people willing to listen and help her, when things get to a point where you cannot fill that role?

The thing is, she sort of recognizes this relationship is unhealthy/borderline abusive but she’s also in denial. Yes she’s aware of Women’s Aid as her mum was in an abusive marriage and she used them and helped her leave the marriage. I just feel hopeless and not sure what to do!

I'm in a similar position with one of my friends. One minute she's crying asking my advice, then the next she's back with him, telling him everything I said about him and she's hardly talking to me. I admit I feel frustrated with her and think god you must be so stupid, but then I remember she's been worn down with this man and has no confidence as a result. So I continue to talk to her, but I just don't get involved in her relationship.

Personally, I think cutting her off completely is a bit harsh. I would give her another chance, but be very blunt/clear.

Could you tell her you don't want to hear any more about the relationship as you are at the end of your tether with it all, you've put a lot of time and effort in to trying to help and you're done?

If she can't or won't comply with your request, then by all means cut her off.

@cookiecreampie

I'm in a similar position with one of my friends. One minute she's crying asking my advice, then the next she's back with him, telling him everything I said about him and she's hardly talking to me. I admit I feel frustrated with her and think god you must be so stupid, but then I remember she's been worn down with this man and has no confidence as a result. So I continue to talk to her, but I just don't get involved in her relationship.

I have inadvertently been in this position with my DM - clearly it was an abusive / dysfunctional RS but she also used / abused my advice as ammunition for conflict. Quite manipulative and exploitative as well as draining. Also as above it was an opportunity to offload and make her feel lighter (and me heavier and burdened / worried) - enough for her to go back time and again.

Boundary was I don’t want to talk about the Relationship - sign post to resources.

This is so difficult. My oldest and best friend was in a relationship with a horrendous, abusive wanker for years, and I went through the same thing. In the end I stopped offering any advice, just hmmmed and tutted when she gave out about him and changed the topic of conversation. I just stopped talking about him or his behaviour altogether. They have been split up for over 15 years and she is happily married to someone else and I honestly don't think she knows how much I hated her ex. And I really fucking hated him.

I think your being a bit harsh.
You also sound quite patronising thinking you give great advice. Maybe she doesn’t want advice and just wants someone to listen?

It sounds like she has very low self esteem if you are a real friend focus on that and building her up rather than trying to make her not get back with her BF.

I appreciate I might not be giving perfect advice to her however she agrees with what I say and she also says she doesn’t see him in her future as a husband or a father to her child so she must think I’m right…

I have been trying to help her for the last five years. This isn’t something I’ve taken. I’ve been listening to her for years about this, I’ve actually stopped giving feedback now as I realize she doesn’t appear to listen. If you could tell me a way I could build her self esteem, that would be great.

Something I’ve taken lightly*

I actually don’t think it’s harsh. There’s only so much you can help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. At a certain point you need to recognise your own part in enabling the drama and step away from it.

Of course I have all sympathies with those in abusive relationships but you can’t fix it for someone, and I don’t think it’s helpful to listen to someone crying about breakups for five years - it’s fine to offer practical support/signpost to appropriate charities and helplines, but I wouldn’t continue to be an emotional crutch in this way.

@Kanaloa

Of course I have all sympathies with those in abusive relationships but you can’t fix it for someone, and I don’t think it’s helpful to listen to someone crying about breakups for five years - it’s fine to offer practical support/signpost to appropriate charities and helplines, but I wouldn’t continue to be an emotional crutch in this way.

I think “emotional crutch” is important to define as sometimes it can lean to far and be counterproductive - inadvertently enabling the dysfunctional relationship like some sort of drama triangle / tug of war. If you take the tension out of your end of the dynamic (not racing to rescue, or getting caught in any histrionics) but giving “detached love” and considered support and focusing on your own friendship with your friend over and above her relationship I think it is more helpful to your friend.

I regret being at the beck and call of my own DM - my own MH and relationships suffered - and somehow I was shadowed / blamed / implicated when things went wrong - whereas my younger sisters maintained a light, fun and social relationship with our DM which I was excluded from - I just got the “dumping” - late night phone calls / drama etc.

Thought I’d give an update if anyone else is going through the same thing!

I told her that I am no longer interested in listening to her and her boyfriend’s problems but anything else - I’m happy to listen to. She seemed shocked but hardly surprised that I said that. Ever since then - our friendship has frazzled.

We no longer chat on the phone, meet up (could be perhaps we no longer live in the same town as I moved elsewhere and she can’t drive), and whenever we text, she mentions about her boyfriend being difficult and the arguments they’re having but I just ignore it and the conversation dies there.

In a way, I miss our friendship as we have been friends since we were in reception however I cannot deal with the calling-me-at-4am-crying calls about her boyfriend and getting back with him later the same day. Thanks everyone for the suggestions.