Friend nearing the end

[DosGardenia]

I suppose it’s more ‘Am I going mad?’ Than AIBU, but I honestly don’t know what to do or trust my own thoughts right now and I really need some advice, support or just kind words.

My best friend in the whole wide world has weeks left to live (aggressive cancer). She is in her 40s and the best person I know. We’ve been best friends for 25 years. She is so brave and I am just devastated.

I have had the summer off work so have been able to spend quite a lot of time with her in between juggling my two teens and general life stuff - I’ve been seeing her every other day, shopping, cooking, chatting to her, laughing with her, crying with her, just sitting in silence with her. It’s been a wonderful privilege. She is very ill now, but wants to die at home and has refused hospice care. She has carers in three times a day and one close relative who is staying on her sofa and there 24/7 (and will be until the end). She doesn’t have any other family.

Here’s the crazy bit. I start a new job on Monday, very full on, lots of expectation on me. And I have kids and a husband and a life I can’t just walk out on. But I so desperately wish I could just sod the world and go and stay with her for these last few weeks, be there for her and care for her until she dies. Her relative is a good person, and the carers are nice enough, but I know she is happiest when I’m there. I feel tremendously guilty every time I leave her.

I just feel so eaten up by the thought that from Monday it will be difficult to see her again during the week, I may not get much time with her again, she may die without me seeing her at all.

I apologise if this sounds very ‘me, me, me’. I feel utterly broken and don’t know what I should be doing.

What a lovely friend you are. Is there any way you can explain to the new job? When my dad died of cancer I managed to spend a reasonable amount of time with him at weekends when DH has the children and I spent one night a week. Would that be doable? As he deteriorated he wasn’t awake much and al sense of time disappeared.

There’s more to life than a job. If we’re me I would prioritise my friend. You won’t ever get that time back.

Could your husband and children do more at home, just for these weeks so you can see her? Is she close enough for even an hour every few evenings?

Are you a teacher?

I'm so sorry to read this and you sound amazing. Is there anyway you could take some annual leave to spend some time? Say two afternoons a week? It's not going to be for long. Alternatively how do your teens manage? Could you visit on your way home?

No words of advice but you truly are a wonderful friend. Sending love and strength

Oof.

My DH has a close friend who is in a very similar situation, in fact thought it was her for a while but it doesn't all fit... awful to think there are at least two people going through this. So I am also living close to the emotions an untimely and unfair death of a loved one brings forth.

Your life goes on, hers does not. You are aware that this is the very last chance you get to make a difference, to express all that she is to you, and the two of you are to each other. You love her very much. Of course you want to drop everything and see she reaches the end without a moment spent wishing she wasn't alone. I would feel exactly the same. I also feel sure that if this can't happen she already understands completely and is not at all disappointed in you.

If I could, in your position, I would drop everything that was possible to be sidelined to spend time with her, rope in help if need be. Sometimes the people giving support need support themselves to do that. It is after all, and this is the cruel part, temporary.

However, the reality is that you might not be able to do that to a small or large extent. If that is the case you must forgive yourself and do what you can because that is all anyone could wish for. I am sure she knows how you feel.

If she is still strong enough, maybe calls could be done if physical visits can't so you can keep that thread of contact alive in other creative ways? A letter she could re-read at times she needed to?

@PieceOfString

Oof.

My DH has a close friend who is in a very similar situation, in fact thought it was her for a while but it doesn't all fit... awful to think there are at least two people going through this. So I am also living close to the emotions an untimely and unfair death of a loved one brings forth.

Your life goes on, hers does not. You are aware that this is the very last chance you get to make a difference, to express all that she is to you, and the two of you are to each other. You love her very much. Of course you want to drop everything and see she reaches the end without a moment spent wishing she wasn't alone. I would feel exactly the same. I also feel sure that if this can't happen she already understands completely and is not at all disappointed in you.

If I could, in your position, I would drop everything that was possible to be sidelined to spend time with her, rope in help if need be. Sometimes the people giving support need support themselves to do that. It is after all, and this is the cruel part, temporary.

However, the reality is that you might not be able to do that to a small or large extent. If that is the case you must forgive yourself and do what you can because that is all anyone could wish for. I am sure she knows how you feel.

If she is still strong enough, maybe calls could be done if physical visits can't so you can keep that thread of contact alive in other creative ways? A letter she could re-read at times she needed to?

I agree with all this. Your friend knows you're doing all you can, and appreciates it. She would not want you to be giving up on your own life. You have hopefully many many years left to live a good life, which she would want for you. Living well, and keeping her memory alive is more important than for example, not embracing the new job. You're not abandoning her by doing things for yourself.

Thank you so much, all.

I’m crying reading this. I’ve been feeling this rising dread as the start date for my new job comes and just bottling it up, and now it’s nearly here and my emotions have just come pouring out today.

I’ve just left her as I need to get home and see my kids tonight. I haven’t spent much time with them this summer, my younger one is going through some difficult times as well, and I promised them a takeaway and film night with Mum. Going back to see my friend tomorrow.

I am indeed a teacher…well, SLT actually. Not sure it would be a good look to delay my start date or ask for flexi working before I’ve even started and I need this job very much for financial reasons.

I need to try to calm down and think this through sensibly.

Spend what time you can with your friend because now is the only time left and you'll never get the chance again; ask your family to be understanding and supportive to help you achieve this. Plenty of employers talk about work / life balance; well, this is the life part, so hopefully they'll understand you can't give 110% for a few weeks (plenty of time later to do this). You provide the maximum comfort to your friend as you can, and this knowledge will comfort to you after she's passed.

Work can't expect you to be a robot though. When you do start, just mention to your boss that this is the situation, so they're aware. Don't ask for time off or anything, just say you're keeping them in the loop so that they know why your mood might not be the best and that you're spending a lot of your free time with her. Work do have to allow work-life balance.

When you are able to see her, tell her what a good friend she has been and how much she means to you. You might already have done this, but it bears repeating.

I understand, as former SLT, that you can’t not go and teachers are pretty much only allowed compassionate leave for family, even though your friend is family to you.

I’ve twice said goodbye to a dear friend. The first time, I sat with her and told her how much her friendship had meant to me. It was hard, very hard, but I felt better that I’d seen her. The second time was one of my two oldest friends. I couldn’t go and see her because of lockdown. I phoned her before she was too weak to respond and we talked about our times together, our families and she spoke of the life she’d had and how much she appreciated what she had. I was in tears throughout most of it, but again, I’m glad I took the chance to say that goodbye.

I would see her this weekend if you can and say the things you need to say. It’s so hard to do, but it does give some sort of comfort that you’ve done what you can.

I'd let your work know and see what they. Just explain it is a one-off and whilst you're totally committed to the job you will never, ever get this time back.

Do you 'finish' at 3? I know it's not as easy as that for teachers but could you say you'll be leaving at 3pm sharp for the first month and after that you'll be available for later meetings etc.

Any decent human boss would understand

Oh OP, very hard to read, not to mind be going through.

You poor woman.
Your poor friend.

Definitely tell work.

Sit down with your teens and tell them how difficult this is.
Explain it to them.

At the end of last year a dear friend of mine died very suddenly in late December.
It floored me.
My children were so kind and understanding and kind.

In fairness they had never seen me cry before, and the truth was I was in absolute bits for 10 days.
But they were so kind and thoughtful throughout.

Explain how you are feeling and your devastation.

They have friends and they will understand.
Mine knew this friend and were shocked too.
Explain that you need them to step up and help you during this time.

Where is their father?
Is he around?
If he is, he needs to massively take over.
If not, this means you can only do your best, and your friend will understand.

You have my heartfelt sympathy.

Mind yourself as best you can.

Oh OP, I feel for you. I have been in such a similar situation with my best friend, it is almost uncanny. I don't mean to virtue-signal and want to make it very clear that my decision to defer my business and other plans weren't selfless. I just was hurting so much and knew that I would not be able to fully devote myself to anything else. I was very lucky that my DH completely backed me up and actually encouraged me to spend the remaining time with my dear friend. I have never regretted this and it helped after her death.

Just coming on to say I’m so, so sorry and your post is not me, me, me at all. It’s conflicted and loving and generous. Your friend wouldn’t want you to jeopardise anything; I’m sure she loves you as much as you love her. You are doing all you can. Try to be gentle on yourself.

You need to talk to your H and children. Your friend is dying and with the start of your new job, you are going to need their support and understanding during the next couple of weeks. Practically speaking, it means that they are going to need to step up and you might not be around as much because the time you have now with your best friend, is all the time you have left with her.

Your best friend will have treasured the time you have spent with her and will understand the difficulty of your situation.

I've just read this and am sending you so much love, apologies I dont know how to do the flower emoji. As others have said, I would tell your new work about the situation, it is pretty exceptional and you are not a robot. You are an amazing friend and your friend will have treasured all the time you have spent together.

I would hundred percent tell your work and ask for flexibility.

This is so so difficult. I know you might not be allowed compassionate leave… could you get signed off? I know it might not look great but if you spoke to your boss about it and made it clear it’s completely outside the norm for you, could you get signed off with stress and spend time with your friend?

Sending you strength for this awful time.

I understand you are conflicted and wanting to be the top new employee in a job but tell your new boss.

This is unfortunate timing but she is like a sister to you. You simply need to be there.

Just about the hospice thing, OP - apologies if you're already aware of this, but the vast majority of people under hospice care are NOT admitted into a hospice. Some are in hospital but under the care of the hospice team and the largest group are actually being cared for at home by the hospice team.

Our local hospice has reduced its number of beds over the past few years because they understand that most people don't actually want to be admitted there, they want to die at home. So they have transferred resources to their community team and also created a respite centre or day care. It may be worth investigating what help they could offer your friend to support her to die comfortably at home.

Firstly, I'm so very sorry to hear about your friend - an awful situation

You sound absolutely lovely and will have made such a difference to her final weeks already

Different situation but my Nan died of cancer the day the first lockdown was announced. The last three weeks she was mostly in hospital and then I fought to get her home for her final days, as was her wish. We had carers/district nurses supporting us.

I am a teacher too in a leadership role and I honestly don't know how I got through those three weeks. I was working all day, then visiting the hospital, going home to see my son and husband, cramming in the planning etc. Dealing with social workers. And doing it all again the next day. I had virtually no support from other family members.

It is mentally and physically exhausting and there is no shame in needing a break.

I know your job is new, but please let the head know - you are human and any head worth their salt will support you.

I remember going to see my head about a week before the schools closed on the Friday. I was grieving and exhausted and just broke down in her office she couldn't have been more supportive or kind. She assured me that if I needed to, I could just go.

Things to consider;

Your dc are older than mine. Can they and your husband do more at home for the next few weeks? We'd have starved if DH hadn't!

Can you visit every other day after school and then at the weekend? Every day is a lot for anyone.

Let your new school know and just focus on getting through the next few weeks.

Try to remember to look after you as well. Make sure you eat well.

I hope your friends final weeks are as peaceful as possible

I don't have anything practical to say but she is really lucky to have a friend like you, please know that. What you are doing for her, some people don't get that and they die alone etc. You've spent loads of time with her and it will mean so, so much.

Tell your job. Ask for the time.

I would do all I could to spend time with my friend. I'm sorry this is happening.

I was job hunting when my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. I stopped everything, I was lucky enough to be able to live off my savings for a while, til she got better.

I know not everybody can do this but it's what you really want.
I would hate for you to spend your future regretting the extra time you could have had with friend and didn't even try to move things around.

Of course if your job refuses you must try to fit everything in as best you can.

I understand its tough with your children,maybe explain to them that you can always make up for this time with them...but time is all you have left with your friend.

Take all the time you can to be with her.

I am sorry this is happening.

You sound like an amazing friend.