Friend nearing the end

[DosGardenia]

I suppose it’s more ‘Am I going mad?’ Than AIBU, but I honestly don’t know what to do or trust my own thoughts right now and I really need some advice, support or just kind words.

My best friend in the whole wide world has weeks left to live (aggressive cancer). She is in her 40s and the best person I know. We’ve been best friends for 25 years. She is so brave and I am just devastated.

I have had the summer off work so have been able to spend quite a lot of time with her in between juggling my two teens and general life stuff - I’ve been seeing her every other day, shopping, cooking, chatting to her, laughing with her, crying with her, just sitting in silence with her. It’s been a wonderful privilege. She is very ill now, but wants to die at home and has refused hospice care. She has carers in three times a day and one close relative who is staying on her sofa and there 24/7 (and will be until the end). She doesn’t have any other family.

Here’s the crazy bit. I start a new job on Monday, very full on, lots of expectation on me. And I have kids and a husband and a life I can’t just walk out on. But I so desperately wish I could just sod the world and go and stay with her for these last few weeks, be there for her and care for her until she dies. Her relative is a good person, and the carers are nice enough, but I know she is happiest when I’m there. I feel tremendously guilty every time I leave her.

I just feel so eaten up by the thought that from Monday it will be difficult to see her again during the week, I may not get much time with her again, she may die without me seeing her at all.

I apologise if this sounds very ‘me, me, me’. I feel utterly broken and don’t know what I should be doing.

Your friend is very lucky to have you. Please remember that whatever happens you must be kind to yourself and forgive yourself, if being with her over the coming weeks isn't possible.
Although, I am sure if you have an open conversation your school and other SLT members will be understanding. It really is a tragic situation, and this time is so precious. Schools tick on for decades, if not hundreds of years, so I am sure you can be done without for a few weeks. Look after your own mental well-being too OP, caring for others can take it's toll so it might well be worth taking some time from work for this reason too.

Hi again. I just wanted to update you, as you gave me such good advice and kind words.

I started my new job today and was able to tell my boss about what’s happening (was very scared and wobbly, but braved it). She was amazing! She lost a parent a month ago and was so totally lovely, empathetic and compassionate. She has told me to duck and dive as much as I need to in the next 3 weeks (until term starts), and that I don’t have to come in every day if I’m getting the bits I need to do done. We are going to have another chat just before term starts to revisit my hours, but she was so incredibly supportive and said that the first half term will very much be my induction period, so I’m not to fret about trying to hit the ground running on all cylinders.

Such a weight off my mind, I cannot tell you! Thanks to all who advised me to be upfront (I can be a bit of a scaredy cat at work with stating my own needs). I’m going in tomorrow, but leaving a bit early to see my friend .

Great update, so pleased for you.

Wishing you both the best.

That’s wonderful that your boss was supportive. Hope that takes some of the stress out of a horrible time

Wonderful update. And so reassuring to have someone so compassionate as a boss. Well done, OP. I hope the next few weeks are as easy as they can be xx

What a lovely friend you are.

I’m really pleased to hear that you spoke to your boss at school. I really hope that you manage to juggle your commitments in the next few weeks. It must be a relief to know that people at work are supportive.

Great update ! Hope you manage to spent some time with your dear friend and that her passing is peaceful.

@Dosgardenia
I'm going through the same thing as you my best friend although 20 years older than me worked together for 19 years is dying of lung cancer I know it's going to hit me at the time not as much now because I'm still seeing her and talking to her big hugs from me 💚