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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with my brother?

35 replies

Iamacatslave · 13/08/2021 07:57

Our 79 year old mother was admitted into hospital on Tuesday, and is now being treated for clinical Covid. She has vascular dementia and has lived in a nursing home for 2 years. I texted my brother on the day she was admitted to tell him what was going on, he did reply but since then nothing.
So my question is…
Am I allowed to be increasingly pissed off with him?

OP posts:
Lindaloo08 · 13/08/2021 08:40

I have this wuth my own brother, I just remind myself if anything happens it'll be him who has to deal with the guilt and I carry on doing what I do for parents.

Original poster
Iamacatslave · 13/08/2021 09:02

anyone?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 13/08/2021 09:10

What do you want him to say/ do?

Original poster
Iamacatslave · 13/08/2021 09:11

I would like him to ask, how is mother is.

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 13/08/2021 09:13

It's ridiculous that he hasn't enquired. Could he have phoned the hospital and not told you?

firsttimekat · 13/08/2021 09:15

People have different relationships and different things going on in their lives. You do you and let him do him and then stop worrying about it and stop judging him for it as well.

Northernparent68 · 13/08/2021 09:15

He’s not responding as you’d like him to, but that does n’t make him a bad person

Perhaps he can’t face up to it, perhaps he does nt discussion is helpful

Northernparent68 · 13/08/2021 09:19

It may be he thinks, you or the hospital will tell him if there’s any news.

Original poster
Iamacatslave · 13/08/2021 09:25

Thank you for all your replies. He hasn’t phoned the hospital to enquire after our mother.

@firsttimekat I am not judging him. And I do know we all have different things going on in our lives.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 13/08/2021 09:26

Yes of course you can be mightily pissed off with him ... but that probably won't change anything. I know there are plenty of exceptions but I see this so many times, and have it in my own family
.... the daughter ends up doing 90% of the caring of elderly parents.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/08/2021 09:40

Was his relationship the same as yours with her pre covid? Different relationships can affect things.

custardbear · 13/08/2021 09:45

Does he live closeby and can he visit when she's in the home? How's their relationship in general? Or is he just a
Bit crap generally?
My DB can be hands off but he's a doctor and also I'm sure a bit ASD and can be very black and white with no fluffy - whereas I'm quite fluffy and need to know everything and ring regularly to get updates - were all different
I hope your mum recovers

BrilliantBetty · 13/08/2021 09:48

Yes I'd be annoyed too. And probably stop texting / calling him. He can get in touch with you when he wants an update. And I'd let him know this is how it will be going forward. If he wants to be involved he should involve himself you're not some kind of messenger.

That said he is not obligated to be involved in this situation even though it's his mother. Did they have a good relationship?

Kithic · 13/08/2021 10:03

@Iamacatslave

Thank you for all your replies. He hasn’t phoned the hospital to enquire after our mother.

@firsttimekat I am not judging him. And I do know we all have different things going on in our lives.

You are so judging him! By being pissed off because he hasn't done what you think he should have is completely judging!

Saying that, you're not wrong.

Bollindger · 13/08/2021 10:12

He doesn't know you want him to ask.
Just text him some info, and ask is there anything else you need to know? As I could do with a chat about mum.

Orla1970 · 13/08/2021 10:24

I feel your pain. My brother is exactly the same. Missing in action. I shoulder all the responsibility for mum and dad. I have had to try and stop working out why he doesn’t step up as it’s upsetting and hurtful. Hope your mum is OK x

50ShadesOfCatholic · 13/08/2021 10:33

Yes I can understand why you're pissed off. It is a depressingly familiar scenario, the women are expected to deal with sickness and any sort of care. He will no doubt be in touch if the subject of money comes up.

MissMaple82 · 13/08/2021 10:35

I think you should better spend your time than concerning yourself so much with how you expect others to act!

YelloYelloYello · 13/08/2021 10:58

I think you should tell him that you’re not going to pass on any messages about your mum. That in order to find out any events/news about her or her health then he’s going to have to call you/her/the hospital and ask. If he doesn’t want any communication with her at all than that’s his choice (I assume there’s a back story?) but if it’s that he’s relying on you to pass things on to him then that’s not happening.

And then put him out of your mind. His choices are not your responsibility and I assume he has a reason for the radio silence.

Original poster
Iamacatslave · 13/08/2021 12:59

For background…
My brother has little or no relationship with our mother. He speaks to her about twice a year (birthday and Christmas,) he also visits her twice a year in her nursing home.

I stupidly assumed he would show some concern about our mother.

Thanks again for all your replies.

OP posts:
SophieHMS · 13/08/2021 13:04

I hear you. Mine will be/is just like this. It's crap and sexism is a factor imo - that relationships/caring/family are "done" by women.

And of course you judge - anyone who loftily says "you do you" is a hypocrite

2pinkginsplease · 13/08/2021 13:24

@Lindaloo08

I have this wuth my own brother, I just remind myself if anything happens it'll be him who has to deal with the guilt and I carry on doing what I do for parents.
Same here! I used to let it bother me but now I know if anything happens. Then I know I’ve done my best.

My mum had a stroke last year aged 71 (thankfully nearly back to full health) and I text my brother and he never replied! Selfish, arrogant man! He floats in and out of my mums life when he wants something, thankfully she has grown wise to him!

HandforthParishCouncilClerk · 13/08/2021 13:26

Well, what is the reason they have no relationship?

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2021 13:31

It depends on the backstory. He might feel that he lost her when the dementia increased. He might be thinking that it's a blessing if she goes. So is avoiding talking to you.

@Lindaloo08
" if anything happens it'll be him who has to deal with the guilt"
There might be no guilt. He won't be responsible for your parents passing.

FinallyDecided · 13/08/2021 13:33

Big dripfeed there. Respect that he has no relationship with your mother and stop being so judgy. He'll have his reasons and if you think they're not good enough then that's frankly none of your business. I have also broken with two family members (abuser and abuse apologist). They would tell you I'm the toxic one and that the way I was treated as a child wasn't so bad. But then they would say that wouldn't they. Nurture your own relationship with your mother and keep your beak out of your brother's.