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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU

50 replies

kay06072021 · 13/08/2021 07:54

i had to spend the night in hospital and my partner had to go to work the night shift, so his mum and dad offered to take care of our 6 week old so i could fully rest, i really didn’t want to, i wanted him with me but i was so ill i could barely stand so i would of really struggled taking care of him.

i sent him with a travel cot and bedding and when i picked him up the travel cot was still folded in the carry bag exactly where i left it in the hallway, so i checked the sheets in his bag and his swaddle bag and they were still perfectly folded how i put them in there.

when i questioned her about it she said ‘oh i didn’t bother with all that, he just slept in our bed with us and used our blankets and stuff’

FUMING!!!!

so i told her how upset i am and how dangerous that is and how weird and inappropriate it is to co-sleep with someone else’s child and she told me that’s what will happen any time he spends the night, and she plans on doing that when he naps during the day when she looks after him (she hasn’t had him in the day yet) so i told her that he will never ever spend a night with them again and he will also never be left with them now. she called me every name under the sun and then cried to my partner that i’m not allowing her to baby sit. I will allow her to see him when me or my partner are there but she is not to be left with him now.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 13/08/2021 07:58

For me the benefits of the help would outweigh the risks, plenty of people have and do co sleep with babies

nimbuscloud · 13/08/2021 08:00

Well it sounds as if the relationship between you is going to be difficult after this.
Though I’ve just read your other post about your dp having the baby in bed and his face being under the blanket. It seems as if awareness of safe co-sleeping is not on their radar.

Macncheeseballs · 13/08/2021 08:04

Or perhaps the mil did that with her own son, so feels she aware of the risks

NCwhatsmynameagain · 13/08/2021 08:05

Sorry you’ve been so unwell OP.
Co sleeping happens safely throughout the world and has been since we’ve been on this earth. There’s lots of advice about how to do it safely, did they give you reason to belief they did not do this safely?

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/08/2021 08:09

I am a big fan of co-sleeping; with MY children. I would never have co-slept with someone else's baby, even if they said they were happy with it. It's a massive red flag they are going to ignore what you want for your baby. I agree with you but it's best talked about in a few days when you're feeling better. I think your partner needs to step up here too, perhaps have him attend the next time you see the health visitor for her thoughts on this.

LadyGAgain · 13/08/2021 08:09

That wouldn't be ok with me either OP. And that's your child. They should respect how you choose to parent including your beliefs about how they sleep. And no it doesn't outweigh the benefit of help as any increase anxiety as a new parent cancels any of those aforementioned benefits.

They are disrespectful and your partner needs to sit with his parents and have a gentle but firm conversation alongside you and them.

Maui69 · 13/08/2021 08:10

It depends on how the co sleeping was done.

fleurbelle · 13/08/2021 08:23

I find it strange you have another post describing the same situation but with your partner?
Sorry you have been ill

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2021 08:27

It isn't weird to co-sleep with someone else's child, especially your grandchildren. I co-sleep with my GC and have with children who I've minded. I'm also changing their nappies, getting a bath and going to the toilet while they are in sight. You either trust someone or don't.
It's the permission aspect that's the issue. If she promised to co-sleep then it shouldn't be an issue when the baby is a bit older.

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2021 08:29

I think I’d question if she co slept before with her own children? I’m guessing so. Personally I’d have handled it much more calmly. Flying off the handle and saying she can never be alone with th baby again is an extreme over reaction.

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2021 08:30

@fleurbelle

I find it strange you have another post describing the same situation but with your partner? Sorry you have been ill
Yes very odd indeed.
DeflatedGinDrinker · 13/08/2021 08:38

Yanbu and you are mum so what you say about your baby should be respected. Fuck her!

Zarene · 13/08/2021 08:40

I’d be totally fine with grandparents doing this, as long as it was done safely.

I’m sorry you’ve been ill, that must have been rubbish. But I’d double check that it’s not clouding your judgement before you spoil any relationships over nothing.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 13/08/2021 08:41

If it's really about your DH then you are both the parents and need to decide together what's safe for your baby. We can't tell you that.

Wjevtvha · 13/08/2021 08:44

For all the people saying co sleeping is perfectly safe - is it not the decision of the mum whether this happens though and not just the grandparents to decide?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 13/08/2021 08:45

@fleurbelle

I find it strange you have another post describing the same situation but with your partner? Sorry you have been ill
Yes i agree.
Shellfishblastard · 13/08/2021 08:48

I agree with you on this 100%.

One question I would want to ask is did they co sleep safely - I.e with no pillows and blankets? He is 6 weeks, so very tiny.

But even then it would be a no from me. Co sleeping is very much a parents decision.

My mum napped with my little girl on top of her bed when she was bigger and I had no issue with that. They snuggled, read a story and fell asleep together for a couple of hours. But she was 18 months + so a very different scenario. And it would have been on top of the covers with a blanket over them.

There are things I can definitely let go when grandparents babysit / help with childcare. I’m very much of the view that my kids are with them so they can put them to bed when they want etc (within reason!!) But this issue would be non negotiable for me. It’s a decision that carries huge risks if it goes wrong and that’s why it’s up to parents to decide on this one.

PJday41 · 13/08/2021 08:48

Nope, nope, nope.

I'm all for granny letting a lot of things slide. My own mother has given my kids cake at 10pm when they've stayed over.

But cosleeping? Not on!

MN is full of people who co sleep with their kids and on the same hand wonder why their five year old still doesn't sleep through. So expect a slating.

ShinyMe · 13/08/2021 08:49

I know I slept with my granny when I was very small, and I remember really loving her, and even as a small child up to about 5 or so I'd snuggle into bed with her when she went for an afternoon nap. I don't think it's weird for a granny to have her grandchild in the bed.

vivainsomnia · 13/08/2021 08:52

It sounds like you over-reacted a bit and made them feel like horrible people despite them helping.

Instead of getting the health and safety rules and danger, you'd probably have been better approaching it from a position of explaining that it made you anxious despite acknowledging the low risk. If you just had a go and rant at them, it's no surprise they felt very unappreciated, taken for granted, and used.

Saying that, you were probably under a lot of stress and worry. Could you contact them, apologise, meet together, and agree on ground rules, making it about your need of reassurance rather than telling them they don't know how to look after a baby.

NCwhatsmynameagain · 13/08/2021 08:54

Agree it’s about what you are comfortable with. Was just trying to make the point that it is not inherently unsafe, so whilst you were unhappy they made a decision that you didn’t agree with, they weren’t being irresponsible (unless they did this in an unsafe way) and to refuse to allow unsupervised access is probably an extreme reaction.
I also am confused about why you’ve posted about a cosleeping issue involving your DP as well.

RamblesShambles · 13/08/2021 09:15

I would've handled it differently if I'm honest.
I wouldn't have been happy about the co-sleeping though.

NotWanting · 13/08/2021 09:58

I didnt co-sleep with mine and I'd be really cross is a grandparent did the with a 6 week old. However once the child is a year + then I wouldn't care if they slept in with the grandparents. I used to co sleep with my neice and nephew from aged one.

Booboosweet · 13/08/2021 10:04

I think co sleeping with someone else's tiny baby is outrageous. It's up to It's parents to decide about co sleeping and make sure it's done safely. I would never trust another person to sleep with my under six months old baby. What if the worst happened?

Just10moreminutesplease · 13/08/2021 10:11

It doesn’t matter whether co sleeping is right or wrong. I wouldn’t leave my baby with anyone who didn’t respect my decisions as his parent.

No amount of help is worth someone overstepping your boundaries like that.

I hope you’re feeling better Flowers.