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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU

50 replies

kay06072021 · 13/08/2021 07:54

i had to spend the night in hospital and my partner had to go to work the night shift, so his mum and dad offered to take care of our 6 week old so i could fully rest, i really didn’t want to, i wanted him with me but i was so ill i could barely stand so i would of really struggled taking care of him.

i sent him with a travel cot and bedding and when i picked him up the travel cot was still folded in the carry bag exactly where i left it in the hallway, so i checked the sheets in his bag and his swaddle bag and they were still perfectly folded how i put them in there.

when i questioned her about it she said ‘oh i didn’t bother with all that, he just slept in our bed with us and used our blankets and stuff’

FUMING!!!!

so i told her how upset i am and how dangerous that is and how weird and inappropriate it is to co-sleep with someone else’s child and she told me that’s what will happen any time he spends the night, and she plans on doing that when he naps during the day when she looks after him (she hasn’t had him in the day yet) so i told her that he will never ever spend a night with them again and he will also never be left with them now. she called me every name under the sun and then cried to my partner that i’m not allowing her to baby sit. I will allow her to see him when me or my partner are there but she is not to be left with him now.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Babynames2 · 13/08/2021 10:15

YANBU. Completely not her decision to co-sleep with someone else’s child, grandchild or not. Especially as you provided a safe sleeping arrangement. And given she said she used her blankets etc it doesn’t sound like safe co-sleeping.

I think you need to have a calm chat with her, armed with information on safe sleeping guidelines, including how some (most) adult mattresses are too soft for babies and can be very unsafe.

I found my parents alseep with DD2 on them several times on the sofa when she was a couple of months old. I stopped leaving her alone with them as they would not accept that it’s dangerous and said ‘it’s too difficult not to fall asleep with a sleeping baby on you’. We had a child in the family die of SIDS as well, so their dismissive attitude really bothered me.

Hankunamatata · 13/08/2021 10:25

Co sleeping with 6 week old that isn't mine. No way on earth. The risks of SIDS alone is huge. I would be raging and no I wouldn't be leaving a 6 week old with them again

DelphiniumBlue · 13/08/2021 12:10

You called your MiL weird and inappropriate?? You do understand that's akin to calling her a pervert?

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2021 12:27

@Wjevtvha
"For all the people saying co sleeping is perfectly safe - is it not the decision of the mum whether this happens though and not just the grandparents to decide?"

Ideally it should be the decision of both parents. The OP now has option to not leave the baby until he is over 18 months and/or sleeps though.

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2021 12:28

@Hankunamatata, the risk of sids isn't huge if you co-sleep safely.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 13/08/2021 12:31

A six week old sounds a bit small to be safely in a bed with adults.

prettyprinceofpartiez · 13/08/2021 12:32

Can't believe the PPs who are saying you're unreasonable. It clearly states they slept with the regular blankets. That is unsafe sleep. The NHS and CDC specifies unsafe sleep as with blankets and pillows etc. Survivor bias means people think that because they did it with their children it's fine - enough babies have died as a result of safe sleep for the sleep guidance to change. Send them these links and say I am following safe sleep guidance, not your preference to ensure my baby doesn't die. Considered, planned cosleeping in a safe fashion that has been discussed with the parents is a different ball game, and they did not do that.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/reduce-the-risk-of-sudden-infant-death-syndrome/

www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/safesleep/index.html

Frankly, even if you were being OTT, it's your baby and what you say goes. If they don't like it, they don't get the privilege of looking after baby.

Elkey · 13/08/2021 12:34

@Macncheeseballs

For me the benefits of the help would outweigh the risks, plenty of people have and do co sleep with babies

My baby sleeps in my bed but this is about respecting a mother's wishes when it concerns her child.

DowntonCrabby · 13/08/2021 12:38

I’m a massively chilled parent, co slept a lot with my own from tiny but wouldn’t have been happy with them co-sleeping with Granny or anyone else until 8+ months at the very very least.

6 weeks is just tiny, GP should have done exactly as you asked. Could DP really not have got the night off in an emergency?

Wjevtvha · 13/08/2021 12:56

@Ponoka7 it’s a pretty rubbish situation to be in though that her decision is to either not leave the baby or let the grandparents do what they want.
Amd yes ok it’s the decision of both parents but I think this is an area where if one parent isn’t comfortable then it should just be a no.

Holly60 · 13/08/2021 13:47

The point is that you left the travel cot etc which made it clear what you wanted to happen. If they had been in any doubt they should have asked what you wanted.

Then to respond to your understandable distress how she did is outrageous! How dare she think she can dictate what happens with YOUR child?!?

As a DM to adult children I would NEVER have coslept with any of their children when they were 6 WEEKS old!! Now they are toddlers and above they often climb in with me in the morning but that is a totally different situation. And I NEVER EVER do anything that I am not 100% sure that my children or their partners are happy with, it’s literally granny 101!

YANBU.

Holly60 · 13/08/2021 13:51

Also, I believe that co-sleeping is considered safe in some very specific circumstances and one of them is that baby co-sleeps with breastfeeding mother. This is because mother is naturally sleeping more lightly snd is naturally attuned to baby. So risks of rolling are mitigated by mother’s instinct. I’m thinking this isn’t the case with a grandparent?!

JustLyra · 13/08/2021 14:08

Co-sleeping babies aren’t meant to sleep next to anyone other than their mother if you’re following the safe sleep guidelines.

Telling someone, clearly who disagrees, that that’s what you’ll do with their child is just asking to be told that you’ll not have said child overnight.

Lavender24 · 13/08/2021 14:22

I certainly don't think it's weird or inappropriate as it's their grandchild but it's definitely not OK for them to go against your wishes and I'd be livid too.

ArdoCycle · 14/08/2021 10:17

I do slept with my wee babies safely for the last 14 months, I think it’s easy to be alarmed by co sleeping because it gets really negative press, but maybe if you look up safe seven for co sleeping you’ll see the benefits. That aside MIL should respect your parenting choices. I wouldn’t be going about swearing though, don’t know if that’s a helpful or proportionate response to be fair. Hard to be calm when our kids are involved I know.

OaxacaChihuahua · 14/08/2021 10:29

It is NOT safe for a 6 week old baby to co-sleep with an adult who is not their breastfeeding mother! From 3 months a baby can safely co-sleep with any adult, but prior to that it’s only safe for breastfeeding mothers because breastfeeding triggers hormones that mean you sleep lightly enough to ensure the safety of the baby. Furthermore, it’s not safe to co-sleep with blankets or pillows, and since they mentioned using their own blankets they clearly didn’t follow that advice either.

And besides… it’s perfectly valid for a parent to weigh up the risks and benefits of co-sleeping with their baby and decide to do it. It is NOT ok for a person to decide to take that risk with someone else’s baby, especially when the parents have provided a perfectly safe and suitable alternative.

OP, yanbu. It would be one thing if they had done it but then realised it was wrong and agreed never to do it again, but the fact that they made clear they would do it again shows that they don’t respect your authority as the parent, and that they aren’t prioritising the welfare of your baby. In your shoes I would also not allow them to have the baby unsupervised.

I’m so sorry you’ve been unwell and had this stress to deal with too.

LadyGAgain · 14/08/2021 11:46

@DelphiniumBlue

You called your MiL weird and inappropriate?? You do understand that's akin to calling her a pervert?

Jog on. What a strange view point.

Thehop · 14/08/2021 11:51

YANBU at all

She went against your wishes AND safe sleep guidelines.

I wouldn’t trust her again.

BadMotherLover · 14/08/2021 11:53

OP from your other posts, you appear to have issues with co sleeping, may be easier to focus on that. DH co sleeping, MIL co sleeping, etc
Seems to be a lot of co sleeping going on?

MsSquiz · 14/08/2021 12:07

I don't find it weird that a grandparent shared a bed with a grandchild. But it is massively overstepping to co-sleep with a 6 week old baby, when their parents do not co-sleep with them.

It obviously wasn't safe co-sleeping if he "used their blankets and stuff" when I presume he is usually swaddled in a cot.

And to then tell a parent that you will continue to co-sleep with their child on sleepovers and for naps is extremely arrogant!

I would just not allow them to have the child for sleepovers or during nap times if they can't be trusted to do as you ask

Balonzette · 14/08/2021 12:11

I am working in an asian country where grandmothers regularly co-sleep with the baby to help out the mother and let her rest. If anything they co-sleep with the baby more than the mum does (everyone co-sleeps). So I don't think there's an especially high risk having seen this. But I wouldn't allow my mum/MIL to do it because I'd be worried anyway. So I gues YANBU.

Balonzette · 14/08/2021 12:13

Also, when I co-slept with my own children, they always had their own blankets and we did it safely. Your MIL sounds like she didn't bother to do it safely.

BadMotherLover · 14/08/2021 12:28

OP has posted elsewhere that her DH is co sleeping with baby. So basically they are all co sleeping with baby, but OP objects to it.

gardeninggirl68 · 14/08/2021 12:43

Strangely, op has not been back!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/08/2021 12:51

Well it is her baby. It’s only six weeks old and she is worried about safety.
Why can’t any of the respect that? That’s the issue.
OP had to be in hospital and she trusted them to take care of tiny baby, gave them acceptable cot etc and if as pls say there’s also been a DH issue they probably knew all about her co sleeping wishes but just did what they wanted anyway and allowed her to find out not by discussion but by realising the cot had not been used.
When the OP said she was upset by this because it was dangerous.... the MIL doubles down and insists
that’s what will happen any time he spends the night, and she plans on doing that when he naps during the day
She’s stressed and anxious and she cannot trust them to pay the smallest attention to how she wants to parent. She’s told them that she thinks co sleeping is dangerous but they would rather Insist they know better than listen to why.
She’s quite right to say they can’t babysit again if she can’t trust them.

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