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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you do with a DH that does this?

60 replies

DriedUp · 12/08/2021 16:34

Whenever I try to start a conversation with my DH, I get a few words out, and then he interrupts me. If I object, he then proceeds to tell me what I was going to say, or what I was thinking, And of course, he often has NO idea! I am sick of never being heard, never being listened to, and NEVER getting to finish a sentence.

We've been married for over 30 years, and over these years this behaviour has escalated to the point where it is now almost constant. He is due to retire soon, so we will be spending more time together, which right now isn't a prospect that fills me with joy.

He's not all bad, in many ways we are very happy together, but this is really starting to become an issue that I can no longer ignore.

Any advice before I run screaming from the building?

OP posts:

phishy · 12/08/2021 16:36

What an utter knob. Assuming you’ve asked him to stop and he hasn’t, I would do it back to him until he realises how bad it feels.

Wombat64 · 12/08/2021 16:37

I shout now, very loudly. I got so fucked off with it. I will also stop what I'm saying, or just repeat it, often more than once. I'm menopausal, I can barely get to the end of a sentence...

It's rude, so I call it out. The ironic thing is DH was always so quiet before.

EdinaMonsoon · 12/08/2021 16:39

DH does this. It has got better recently since I started walking away every time he did it. Not storming off - just calming removing myself from the room. It's still happening but less often. It doesn't help to do it back to him. They cannot stand to not have their opinion be the priority so they either shout louder or start an argument.

Applecrumble24 · 12/08/2021 16:42

I just interrupt him straight back with "erm, I'm still talking!" shuts him right up 👍

Gliblet · 12/08/2021 16:42

DH started this. Well, got particularly bad - he has ADHD so it's genuinely harder for him not to be impulsive and follow his brain's weird little jumps from subject to subject... I took a nice calming breath in while he was chuntering, pointed out that he'd interrupted, it came across as incredibly rude, and it wasn't something he'd enjoy someone else doing to him, then started again. Every. Single. Time. Eventually he realised that I wasn't going to oblige him by either deciding that his version was correct OR trying to rush through whatever I was about to say.

I also explained to him, in between episodes so that I was calm, the difference between listening, and waiting for someone to stop talking so it can be your turn.

Same principle as training a dog - repetition, and making them wait for their reward

Wombat64 · 12/08/2021 16:44

Ha, ha, I also have adhd, so my DH has probably had to put up with me for years, doing weird little jumps!

silverstrawberry · 12/08/2021 16:47

My partner does this have you tried going quiet I mean REALLY quiet don't answer or prolong the conversation and when he starts talking later in the day be quiet to the point he starts wondering whatsup.I dunno it works for me

Justmuddlingalong · 12/08/2021 16:50

I'd walk away, every single time he interrupts. That's so disrespectful of him.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 12/08/2021 16:57

Your mistake was ignoring it in the first place tbh.
Try starting by saying "I want you to listen to me, don't interrupt and don't tell me what I am thinking. I want you to let me speak. Can you do that?"

FrancescaContini · 12/08/2021 17:00

I wouldn’t have married him in the first place.

tiredofthisshit21 · 12/08/2021 17:06

'Lips moving, still talking!'

N0RKS · 12/08/2021 17:13

Yup, utterly lovely DH also does this.
I stop talking completely, until he sort of fizzles out and looks embarrassed and says ‘sorry, what were you going to say?’

NotSorry · 12/08/2021 17:15

argh my DH does this. I have had to pull him up time and time again on it - also together over 30 years

He's a lot better now. I stopped talking when he interrupted and then refused to continue the conversation. Took a few times of me doing that before he realised that it was affecting me and it's bloody rude!

AlCalavicci · 12/08/2021 17:26

My DH had a habit of doing this except he would interrupt with something irrelevant. So when he finished speaking ( and that could be a long time ) I would say what has that got to do with what I was saying .
In your case @DriedUp I would say have you finished interrupting me?
every single time .
It in not only rude to interrupt and something very young children are taught not to do but it also shows that he is not listening to you and that his thoughts / opinions are more important than yours .

nancybotwinbloom · 12/08/2021 17:30

Next time he does it say "no I wasn't going to say that I was going to tell you I'm divorcing you. Am sure you know why seeing as you know everything else I am ever about to say"

aerosocks · 12/08/2021 17:33

@FrancescaContini

I wouldn’t have married him in the first place.

It only really starts when they get close to retirement age in my experience, and by that time you've already been married for decades.

frenchtoast88 · 12/08/2021 18:12

My husband does it to an extent. Literally no advice. If I go quiet then he doesn't even notice and continues on forever. If I suggest that he interrupted me then I am argued with that a conversation involves two people and isn't he allowed to speak? It's exhausting.

Royalbloo · 12/08/2021 18:15

I sometimes do this - a old colleague used to immediately stop speaking every time I did it and it hit home. Just stop speaking immediately. I actually owe her, she did me a huge favour as I wasn't aware of it until she did that.

TurquoiseDragon · 13/08/2021 08:31

@frenchtoast88

You can tell him that a conversation does indeed involve 2 or more people, but each side shows respect and is allowed to finish what they say.

HugeAckmansWife · 13/08/2021 08:36

My mum does it. Finishes my sentence with something completely different to what I was going to say. Im always very direct 'no, I wasn't going to say that at all. If I can finish, what I mean is..' I do it every time but in 40 odd years it hasn't stopped her. She does it to my dad too but sometes catches herself with him.

KurtWilde · 13/08/2021 08:58

I know I'm guilty of this, but with ADHD it's hard not to act on impulse. If I interject it's genuinely because I'd only processed half of what I wanted to say before, and if I don't say the rest right away then I'll lose it again. I know it's infuriating though, and I do try not to do it. That's no help, sorry. But people who know me well are totally at liberty to pull me up on it and I always stop and apologise. During an argument I'm less likely to stop.

RickOShay · 13/08/2021 09:03

@FrancescaContini

I wouldn’t have married him in the first place.

Have you got a really good crystal ball sitting in your cupboard? If so, please could you share it. I think a lot of people would find it very handy.

Justilou1 · 13/08/2021 09:08

Leave.

PawPawPaw · 13/08/2021 09:11

Gliblet has it. Also recommend buying a whistle. First strike ask him not to interrupt. Second strike blow long and loud.

Themadcatparade · 13/08/2021 09:22

My DP is a buggar for it too but I genuinely think it’s down to his ADD traits.

No advice. I have mentioned it a few times. Usually I just stop what I’m saying and then after about 15 minutes of him jumping from subject to subject if it’s important I make a point of saying ‘anyway, what I was going to say was…’

If it’s not important “I can’t remember what it was that I was going to say now…” and then he usually get the hint and realises he’s lost out on what I was telling him, and he’ll never know now

It’s pretty agonising OP, I’d speak to him about it until he gets the hint. A few times.

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