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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have sent my son away?

59 replies

kravestix · 12/08/2021 12:09

I woke up today and realised I couldn't do it all again for another day. DS is three. My house is a shit hole. He trashes it. He doesn't listen to me. He constantly wants to do things he shouldn't be and no matter what I say or do it's nigh on impossible to get him to stop. I'm exhausted with it all. Mentally exhausted. I've got £1.08 in the bank to last until 25th. A water leak in my bedroom. Assesors from Home Insurance are coming tomorrow but I've got to try and get the house sorted first because they'll probably trip over something or catch something nasty and end up in Hospital. I've phoned DM this morning and she's coming to pick DS up and take him back to hers. I'll either pick him up tomorrow after work or Saturday morning depending on how she copes with him! I'm doing some gardening for someone on Saturday afternoon for fifty quid which I'll make last until the 25th. Just exhausted with the drudgery.

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 12/08/2021 14:31

You haven't sent him away, don't be daft! He's gone for a sleepover with Grandma and he'll bloody love it! GM sounds great btw.

You've had your rock bottom and you've taken steps to sort yourself out. That's great and I'm assuming you've got some sort of food to eat until you do the garden - might not be flavoursome but it will keep you going and there's one less mouth to feed.

How long does your £50 need to last and what do you need to buy? Do you have the mental space for a quick meal plan? Might help you maximise your money.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 12/08/2021 14:36

I think you've been very sensible to realise that you're at your limit and organise some care for your son while you get things under control. So many people just don't want to admit they're struggling and ask for help. Good for you. Make sure you take breaks and get things done but also have a rest in between.

Skyla2005 · 12/08/2021 14:43

Can't she keep him for longer you sound like you need a break

Original poster
kravestix · 12/08/2021 15:26

@Skyla2005

Can't she keep him for longer you sound like you need a break
She would have him forever if she could! However, she does have a few minor mobility problems so I know she would struggle physically if more than one night so I'll likely have to pick him up tomorrow after work.
OP posts:
LBirch02 · 12/08/2021 15:38

Although you’re lucky to have your DM OP it doesn’t detract from the fact this sounds very tough so YANBU at all

Branleuse · 12/08/2021 16:08

having a sleepover with his nana is a nice thing to do. Plus you need a break and to do some housework, so it makes sense.

Original poster
kravestix · 12/08/2021 17:08

@JudgeJ

How does he behave for his grandmother? I've noticed that after children have had time with me they will sometimes play up when their parents collect them so I tell them off because they've been fine all day!
He's an absolute angel for my DM. Angel at Nursery. Angel for anyone and everyone else. Not for me and not for DH but because I'm with him more, I get it worse than DH.
OP posts:
Original poster
kravestix · 12/08/2021 17:59

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I think you've been very sensible to realise that you're at your limit and organise some care for your son while you get things under control. So many people just don't want to admit they're struggling and ask for help. Good for you. Make sure you take breaks and get things done but also have a rest in between.
I am at my limit. But I can't see anything changing any time soon. I'll be up all hours tonight trying to get sorted. I can't see how I'll ever get my life under control.
OP posts:
NotanotherboxofFrogs · 12/08/2021 18:06

You are doing the right thing. He is safe and loved. Give yourself credit that you know your limit. He is not put outside in the rain to wander the streets.

have you made a list of what you need to do. If needed can I suggest Emergency cleaning list from the unfuck your habitat website. A clear path thro the house if needed and the area cleared away from where the assessors will be.

Both you and Dh can take a burst at it, set a time that you are stopping as you have been doing this during the day as well. Dh should survive doing tasks when he comes home to get things sorted out better, even if its not done to your standard, it will be done in some way. Assessors will not be looking at the bottom of your bin or litter tray. When you stop, try and have a nice relaxing shower, it can be wiped over while you are in it. Into bed and try and get some rest.

I have a friend who lives down the road from me and she will ring me and say I want a sausage sandwich, it's nothing to do with sausages it's she is at her limit and needs someone to take her children for a while, and they get an overnight with friends or family. The children might hear the request but have no idea she is telling us she needs a break before she breaks herself.

Mackiemackie · 12/08/2021 18:20

My DF came and took my 3 year old boy from me a little while ago, because his temper tantrums were stopping me from being able to WFH and as I am self employed if I don't work, I don't get paid. He could have dropped him back home in the evening but it made for a nice break for us all and DF adores my son. He has done that twice this summer already. I know I am extremely fortunate to have that support. If your DM is happy to, perhaps ask her to have him once a week to give you that space to breathe

Original poster
kravestix · 12/08/2021 18:38

@NotanotherboxofFrogs

You are doing the right thing. He is safe and loved. Give yourself credit that you know your limit. He is not put outside in the rain to wander the streets.

have you made a list of what you need to do. If needed can I suggest Emergency cleaning list from the unfuck your habitat website. A clear path thro the house if needed and the area cleared away from where the assessors will be.

Both you and Dh can take a burst at it, set a time that you are stopping as you have been doing this during the day as well. Dh should survive doing tasks when he comes home to get things sorted out better, even if its not done to your standard, it will be done in some way. Assessors will not be looking at the bottom of your bin or litter tray. When you stop, try and have a nice relaxing shower, it can be wiped over while you are in it. Into bed and try and get some rest.

I have a friend who lives down the road from me and she will ring me and say I want a sausage sandwich, it's nothing to do with sausages it's she is at her limit and needs someone to take her children for a while, and they get an overnight with friends or family. The children might hear the request but have no idea she is telling us she needs a break before she breaks herself.

Thank you so much. That's really helpful. I've cleaned and sorted my bedroom and even changed the bedding. That's the room the assesors will be in so I wanted to tackle that first. DH and I are just going to eat something and then tackle some more together. The assesors will be going through kitchen, living room and back garden. All of them are bloody awful. Don't think we'll have a chance to do the garden though. But we'll see what we can get done tonight. I'll definitely have a shower before bed. I can't get into clean sheets if I haven't showered! I love the sausage sandwich thing. That's great. I might set up a similar code with DM.
OP posts:
SummerHouse · 12/08/2021 18:45

You are doing amazing. Be proud of yourself tonight when you slip you clean, exhausted body into those lovely clean sheets.

You do not sound like a failure. You sound like a fighter. Flowers

espressomartiniftw · 12/08/2021 18:46

3 year olds are relentless!

Shouldn't you get 30 hours if you're both working? We did but it only covered 2 days a week as he was there all year round

Sadiecow · 12/08/2021 18:49

I'd take my grandchild in a heartbeat for that! Whilst probably gently teasing you that is was payback for when you were three. Grin

Original poster
kravestix · 12/08/2021 18:50

@espressomartiniftw

3 year olds are relentless!

Shouldn't you get 30 hours if you're both working? We did but it only covered 2 days a week as he was there all year round

Sadly not. I only work 10 hours a week over two days. To get 30 hours you need to be working 16 hours a week. I'm also starting Uni in September (leaving my job due to clash of timetable), and the maintenance loan is about £400 more a month than my wages. So, financially things will be better but no 30 hours unfortunately. I'm also applying for other PT jobs I can do around Uni but ones that don't clash with my timetable. I've applied for a 6am - 8am cleaning job, six days a week. Hoping I hear from that as it means I won't have childcare costs and it won't clash with Uni. Things will be sooo much easier September 2022 when DS goes to school.
OP posts:
Original poster
kravestix · 12/08/2021 18:52

@Sadiecow

I'd take my grandchild in a heartbeat for that! Whilst probably gently teasing you that is was payback for when you were three. Grin
Apparently I was a god awful child! Really really badly behaved. So I'm now sympathising a lot with my DM!
OP posts:
Sadiecow · 12/08/2021 18:54

Apparently I was a god awful child! Really really badly behaved. So I'm now sympathising a lot with my DM!

GrinGrinso nanny will cope just fine then!

Try and build in a bit of rest while DC is away. Oh and a glass of wine tonight is a must.

Christmasfairy2020 · 12/08/2021 19:25

I clean around them but mine at 6 and 11. I have always cleaned around them. Ipad and tv help. Today my youngest had pink stuff and a daddy scrub and washed me the front door Grin. But I do send to inlaws anyways for some peace when I'm wfh

Original poster
kravestix · 12/08/2021 19:38

@Christmasfairy2020

I clean around them but mine at 6 and 11. I have always cleaned around them. Ipad and tv help. Today my youngest had pink stuff and a daddy scrub and washed me the front door Grin. But I do send to inlaws anyways for some peace when I'm wfh
DS likes helping me clean too but at 3 it's a hindrance rather than a help! Bless him.
OP posts:
Original poster
kravestix · 12/08/2021 19:40

I have this terrible feeling DH isn't going to do anything to help. We've eaten and I've gone upstairs to clean the bathroom. I've done that and DH has got changed into his dressing gown whilst I was doing that. His dressing gown going on usually means lay on the sofa. Don't want to speak to soon because I might be wrong. He did say earlier that he would help me tonight after realising how I'm struggling.

OP posts:
Bakedalaskan42 · 12/08/2021 19:43

I predict not one person will say you're being unreasonable. You do what you have to do to get through life. You sound really hard working and I would absolutely have done the same thing as you.

Gerwurtztraminer · 12/08/2021 19:54

@kravestix

I have this terrible feeling DH isn't going to do anything to help. We've eaten and I've gone upstairs to clean the bathroom. I've done that and DH has got changed into his dressing gown whilst I was doing that. His dressing gown going on usually means lay on the sofa. Don't want to speak to soon because I might be wrong. He did say earlier that he would help me tonight after realising how I'm struggling.
Not good enough. CAlm but firm request (i.e instructions_ on what needs doing and if that means he does it in the dressing gown his choice.

Separately you ned a longer chat about sharing the household tasks. Maybe a chart on the wall like we had when I was a 20 year old housesharer would work! And he needs to take turns being alone with your son for long enough to give you a break and realise how relentless it is. Raising a 3 year old is not a bloody holiday and he can't treat his job as any more important than yours.

RunningFromInsanity · 12/08/2021 20:01

You need to make a list of what needs to be done, give him half and say it must be done tonight.

SummerHouse · 12/08/2021 20:04

You shouldn't have to but go ask DP which room he wants to tackle. This man must not park his lazy robed ass on the sofa!!! Or so help me god I am coming round with marigolds and bleach and a broom for insertion.

Waitingfirgodot · 12/08/2021 20:04

Your wording suggests that you are very hard on yourself! You're not 'sending him away'! He'll be having a wonderful time with his Granny. My three had a wonderful time with their Granny today while I went out for a bike ride. I suspect every parent with the option of a loving grandparent to look after their child for a while will take that opportunity. I also suspect that those who don't would love to be able to. Sometimes we all need time without them, whether to get some work done, or just to get a bit of headspace. There is no shame on it whatsoever!