Struggling to reconnect with DH

[fightingbadfeelingoff]

NC for this as I don't want it found by my MIL who's also on mumsnet.

DH and I have been together 10y, married 8. We have 1 DC who is 20m old. He is a very loving, loyal and caring person who adores DC and has taken time out of work to stay at home as I went back to work quickly after their birth.

The problem is... he is very... impractical. No matter where we live (and we lived in 4 countries - including US and the UK), I'm always the one making all decisions, organizing everything - from house hunting to car repairs (and I don't even drive). He will 'execute' what I ask him to, but in most cases I will have to double-check that he doesn't miss deadlines (he once almost missed his own visa deadline) as he tends to leave things to the very last moment. However, he will never, ever notice something needs doing. In the house, in the garden, admin...etc.

If we go on a holiday, he won't even try to organize day-trips, book restaurants etc - he'll leave it all to me. He'll get me a purse or a book for my birthday but won't try to do anything special. This has been an issue which would go dormant and flare up on occasion - depending on how exhausted I got.

After working PT for the last year (to do childcare for DC), he now decided to go back FT. Great, I support that! However, his job requires us to move from living close to my parents to living close to his parents (a few hours trip). I have reluctantly agreed but after 10y of being responsible for everything I asked him to take the lead.

This didn't happen - at all! I'm the one talking to movers, I'm the one who ended up talking to agents, etc. And I didn't even want to move!

As a result I've noticed I have zero feelings towards him and towards this move now. I can't see literally anything to look forward to and am going through the motions, ticking off the things from the 'to do' list and accepting my 'fate'. I have very bad experiences from living near his parents (MIL is very dominant and interfering) and am dreading that it will only get worse as we now have DC.

On top of that, we don't really need his salary at all. I'm a high-earner and have been making at least 2x his salary since we've been together (3x with bonuses nowadays). In my mind, I'm leaving behind my parents, my friends, comfortable home I love, to live in a place I don't like as much, near his parents, away from any support network of my own, for the sake of him feeling good about himself when I haven't had the luxury of feeling like that in years. There are some objective reasons why the move may be good for DC (better schools, etc.) that I am trying to use to rationalize stuff, but those are going only so far.

So, to summarize - for a couple of weeks now my resentment has bubbled and I have zero interest in any physical intimacy with him... furthermore, I've noticed that my desire to talk to him is almost non-existent (and communication has always been our strong suit as a couple) and after a period of sadness - I now have no feelings whatsoever about the move, our life together, or my life for that matter. I'm just blank.

How do I move forward? How do I reconnect with him?

I'll be honest OP I don't understand why you're moving? Your feelings matter too, is it too late to reconsider?

Don’t move
He sounds useless as a partner as part of your team; if you make enough money then divorce him and let him move if he wants

Please don't move!

At least buy yourself some time.

I can't see any reason why you would move. Tell us the reasons. Better schools are important but hopefully you could find something good near you?

Are there any others?

I think the only way to reconnect with your husband is if he agrees not to move - completely understanding your rationale. And if he does actually start taking the lead on things. I mean why are you booking removal people etc when you don't even want to move? Let him feel the consequences!

How much have to spoken to him before about how his lack of action kills your desire for him?

Why did you step in when you'd told him he had to do it?

Tbh, I agree with a pp, I'd look at divorcing and let him move.

Do not move

"However, his job requires us to move" - I don't understand why his job, which doesn't bring in as much as yours, takes priority?

Sounds like he needs to move back in with mil as he obviously expects you to be like her and take all the decisions.

When you lived abroad, was that for your job or his or both?

In your shoes I think I would move and give it a trial period as at least he is trying to make a go of things with his new job but it would be on the condition that he needs to change and go for marriage counselling and that he puts in place firm barriers so his mother doesn't encroach on your life too much.

His job pays significantly less than yours
He’s done fuck all grunt work for the move
MIL is a twat

Why on Earth are you moving?

Unfortunately, it is now too late - he accepted the new job, we sold this house and bought one in this other place.

Why? That is a good question - I think this is more on me than him as I did what I thought I should do rather than what I want to do. This has been my issue since early adulthood - I've always struggled to do what I want.

I guess we're moving because it's 'his turn' (he did take time off work to take care of DC and he did go back only part time for the same reason for the last 2y) and because I can see how much he loves DC and how much they love him and can't bear an idea of breaking the family up just for the sake of my happiness. I also reached a point where I don't see how I could be happier without him - on my own (I'd still be doing what I'm doing now, only DC would miss their dad) or with someone else (I have literally zero interest in romance, don't miss that at all - don't even remember how it feels - and can't imagine that changing).

It sounds like the spark has gone, do you want to rekindle it?
In many ways you're in a very fortunate position whereby if you do separate you can easily be independent.
I don't understand why you're agreeing to move when you don't want to and by continuing to do everything for him you're enabling him.

There are so may reasons in your op why you wouldn't want to reconnect, are there any reasons that you would want to reconnect?

@TimeForTeaAndG because it wasn't getting done and it was threatening to cost us much, much more if I didn't.

@MissSueFlay - I guess because I get to keep my job wherever we are - I'm very senior in my company and can take my pick on location/remote work.

@Driftingbees - one was for me (that didn't work out as he couldn't find a job locally and was miserable at home), 2 were for him.

@Gertie75 - we were very lucky with my job and I am fully independent and if I decided to leave I could provide for myself and DC without a change in lifestyle, yes.

With all this being said - he has great qualities. He is a very smart, open-minded, lovely person who has been my best friend for the last 10 years. We also went through an awful infertility battle together and it feels unfair to break it off now when we finally succeeded.

It's not very fair to him though if you have zero feelings towards him now, it'd be an awful conversation to have but at least of he knew how you were, or weren't, feeling then he can be part of the decision about whether to try and save the marriage.

You both sound like decent people but could be happier apart.

Years ago I called off an engagement and house move with my then fiancé, he was a lovely guy but I'd fallen out of love with him, the day he left was awful and we were both in tears. We've both now met other people and are much happier than we were together, still friends too.
We could've stayed together and had an OK life but I couldn't bear the thought of getting to my old age and looking back knowing I'd wasted the best years of my life with the wrong person.

It sounds very worrying that you will be leaving your support network and moving closer to in-laws who you don’t sound close to. This would bother me as much as all the marital issues you raise. Is there any way you can stall the house purchase, even if you sell and maybe rent to buy some time? Or has the purchase completed? Otherwise I’d view the purchase as a stop gap and maybe try it for 18 months but in good time for you to move back before your DC starts school.

You are clearly a resourceful and independent woman and having a partner who just allows you to fill the organisational space would really grind my gears too. Does he think you enjoy it or are just better at these things or is he simply lazy?

Don't move and don't reconnect!!

It's not too late.

He sounds fucking useless. Just stop doing everything that isn't for you and your child.

@Gertie75 I did tell him. We have a very open relationship in that sense - I have been warning him about possible consequences of this issue for years now. I also told him how I feel. He is very worried and promised to do everything to change and make things better for me/us. I want to believe this will be the case. I want to believe it is possible for us to reconnect - I just don't know what I can do to help this as I literally don't feel anything about anything anymore - I am not angry, sad, excited, worried... nothing.

The sale of our house is completed. We're supposed to move into a rental for the first 6m while waiting for the purchase to complete as well. I guess we could pull out and just extend the lease after the initial 6m to give it more time.

I am 100% he knows I don't enjoy it but I also think he thinks I can't 'help myself but take charge' (which is probably true to an extent). He definitely thinks I'm better at it - he has a history of shying away from any confrontation so naturally all problems always used to come to me. However how this turned into everything comes to me (not just problems) is something I am not sure about... I guess we pushed each other into extremes - he pushed me into 'taking charge' extreme and I pushed him into 'back seat'.

This makes no sense.

You are making a move which you don’t want and will make your life harder , with a lazy and selfish man you are not in love with.

Why? Because it’s “ his turn”. Because you have kids now and it seems unfair.

When it is his turn to be an adult? And when is it your turn to put your needs first?

No wonder you are dreading this. And you can stop it if you want to. Yes it will cause a lot of trouble and yes it will cost money. But isn’t that easier than being unhappy and resentful for years?

And no it won’t be the same as a single mum. You will be much less angry . You will hire help who will take instruction better and won’t need reminded all the time. If they don’t, you will fire them.

And you will get time to yourself when the kids are with their useless father.

But you need to do this now, before you move to a new area and upset your kids schooling. Also you don’t want to end up stuck in a new area.

My guess is you have years of buried resentment and anger to work through. You can’t access warm feelings because ‘blocking’ bad feelings has been your way of coping. But now you have to push down so much it’s blocking positive feelings too.

I think get to therapy! Could be so helpful! And also couples therapy. Maybe you have a parent (you)/child (him) dynamic that needs breaking.

I personally wouldn’t give up yet.

I am 100% he knows I don't enjoy it but I also think he thinks I can't 'help myself but take charge' (which is probably true to an extent). He definitely thinks I'm better at it - he has a history of shying away from any confrontation so naturally all problems always used to come to me. However how this turned into everything comes to me (not just problems) is something I am not sure about... I guess we pushed each other into extremes - he pushed me into 'taking charge' extreme and I pushed him into 'back seat'

But he just left it for you to do as he’s too lazy, so you had to step up. You said so upthread.

I think you feel nothing for him because he is acting like your child and not your partner. Which isn’t very sexy in a grown man.

Or because you are just plain exhausted at doing everything.

If I were you I would be SEETHING with anger and resentment, underneath a veneer of being nice and understanding.

I think you have internalised all his pathetic excuses for being so lazy and selfish. I’m surprised you aren’t posting asking for help for his syndrome / condition .

Like the women posting here asking for help with their husbands “ anger problems “ - when he only loses his temper at home.

Or the ADHD that only manifests itself with housework or childcare.

"I guess we pushed each other into extremes - he pushed me into 'taking charge' extreme and I pushed him into 'back seat'."

I think this is a really honest insight, and it's a place that lots of people find themselves in, especially after children have arrived.
Would relationship counselling help to get things back on track in regards to the division of the mental load? It would mean him stepping outside his comfort zone, and you allowing things to get screwed up.

When both parties are pulling their weight and working as a team again, you may feel differently about things. Putting the purchase of the new house off for 1-2 years might make him realise that the time to change, and maintain the changes, really is now.

He doesn't sound like a nasty man, and you sound quite impressive, but it does sound like the two of you don't communicate terribly well.

I am 100% he knows I don't enjoy it but I also think he thinks I can't 'help myself but take charge' (which is probably true to an extent). He definitely thinks I'm better at it - he has a history of shying away from any confrontation so naturally all problems always used to come to me. However how this turned into everything comes to me (not just problems) is something I am not sure about... I guess we pushed each other into extremes - he pushed me into 'taking charge' extreme and I pushed him into 'back seat'.

I think this level of awareness/insight is a positive sign for reconnection. Have you had this meta conversation with him? Not about the specific house move or anything specific in fact, but the larger pattern and roles you find yourself falling into. And how you want to get out of those roles.

I think in most couples, each partner ends up in default roles, often the ones they're best at. I'm horrendously impractical and indecisive, so DP does pretty much all the heavy lifting when something needs to happen without getting into a tizzy. I end up leaving stuff like that to him because it will definitely be done better by him than me. On the other hand I'm better at long-term research, finding out information, coming up with a range of options and pushing us out of our comfort zone. So the dynamic is often, for example if we're planning a holiday, I'll research a range of options, present them to him and we decide together, then he does the nuts and bolts of organisation.

You sound extremely capable, frighteningly so to a chronically disorganised person like me. From our perspective it's often just better to let capable people crack on with being capable rather than attempting and failing to match them.

I wouldn’t move, and I’d cancel the house purchase, and rent somewhere near your support network until you are able to make a clear decision. Maybe a trial separation where he goes to the new rental and you see if you actually want to move with him or not?

What @IndigoHexagon said

I think you feel nothing for him because he is acting like your child and not your partner. Which isn’t very sexy in a grown man.

This is it in a nutshell. I think it's time for a really honest conversation and couple's counselling. It doesn't sound like it's doomed but he needs to understand that things must change to save the relationship. To be honest it sounds like you need to understand that too.

I wouldn't move, what if it doesn't work out and you want to move back closer to your family, but can't if he won't agree to the DC moving?