Struggling to reconnect with DH

[fightingbadfeelingoff]

NC for this as I don't want it found by my MIL who's also on mumsnet.

DH and I have been together 10y, married 8. We have 1 DC who is 20m old. He is a very loving, loyal and caring person who adores DC and has taken time out of work to stay at home as I went back to work quickly after their birth.

The problem is... he is very... impractical. No matter where we live (and we lived in 4 countries - including US and the UK), I'm always the one making all decisions, organizing everything - from house hunting to car repairs (and I don't even drive). He will 'execute' what I ask him to, but in most cases I will have to double-check that he doesn't miss deadlines (he once almost missed his own visa deadline) as he tends to leave things to the very last moment. However, he will never, ever notice something needs doing. In the house, in the garden, admin...etc.

If we go on a holiday, he won't even try to organize day-trips, book restaurants etc - he'll leave it all to me. He'll get me a purse or a book for my birthday but won't try to do anything special. This has been an issue which would go dormant and flare up on occasion - depending on how exhausted I got.

After working PT for the last year (to do childcare for DC), he now decided to go back FT. Great, I support that! However, his job requires us to move from living close to my parents to living close to his parents (a few hours trip). I have reluctantly agreed but after 10y of being responsible for everything I asked him to take the lead.

This didn't happen - at all! I'm the one talking to movers, I'm the one who ended up talking to agents, etc. And I didn't even want to move!

As a result I've noticed I have zero feelings towards him and towards this move now. I can't see literally anything to look forward to and am going through the motions, ticking off the things from the 'to do' list and accepting my 'fate'. I have very bad experiences from living near his parents (MIL is very dominant and interfering) and am dreading that it will only get worse as we now have DC.

On top of that, we don't really need his salary at all. I'm a high-earner and have been making at least 2x his salary since we've been together (3x with bonuses nowadays). In my mind, I'm leaving behind my parents, my friends, comfortable home I love, to live in a place I don't like as much, near his parents, away from any support network of my own, for the sake of him feeling good about himself when I haven't had the luxury of feeling like that in years. There are some objective reasons why the move may be good for DC (better schools, etc.) that I am trying to use to rationalize stuff, but those are going only so far.

So, to summarize - for a couple of weeks now my resentment has bubbled and I have zero interest in any physical intimacy with him... furthermore, I've noticed that my desire to talk to him is almost non-existent (and communication has always been our strong suit as a couple) and after a period of sadness - I now have no feelings whatsoever about the move, our life together, or my life for that matter. I'm just blank.

How do I move forward? How do I reconnect with him?

Tell him exactly what you've written here.

It's not ideal but I'd pull out of the rental and rent somewhere where you're living now. You'd be mad to move away from your support network, to be nearer to a domineering MIL. Tell him that if he wants to move he's going on his own. You have to get past this before you do anything as you are going to be utterly miserable. Put your needs first.

I just don't know what I can do to help this as I literally don't feel anything about anything anymore - I am not angry, sad, excited, worried... nothing.

That nothingness is a key symptom of depression. I suspect that it's been a Chinese water torture effect of carrying him for so long and over so much. You've maybe got used to it so that you haven't really noticed until this has come along and thrown it into sharp relief. Another reason not to do something that will leave you even more isolated and depressed.

I think that your feelings have deadened towards him because frankly being the one that does everything, notices everything and actions/drives everything is exhausting esp with a big job. If the roles were reversed and you had taken time out with the children it would be taken for granted the parent with more time would do the life admin/work, but he hasn’t now you are sacrificing a lot and making a move you don’t want to do and the only thing you asked of him was that he deals with it all, and he could not be bothered. That is going to cause ructions in your relationship, of course you are indifferent to him, rather than being in a team in which you feel supported you now feel taken for granted and even more over worked than normal. I work with a man like this in a job were noticing and fixing things is at the core, I only feel apathy and annoyance towards him, and I only see him at work so god knows how you must be feeling right now.

Maybe he has adhd? Talk to him about how you feel and come up with a plan. Let him manage some things and let him miss deadlines. Is he good at helping around the house? It's a crisis moment for you, moving is always stressful. Give yourself time to feel better about the move, maybe look for local groups to make new friends. Talk to him about how you feel and try to think about things you like about him.

If you move to be near his parents and you split up, there's going to have to be a legal battle for you to get permission to move back to where you live now. You're not forbidden to move away if you separate but if your son is settled and in school, the distance you'll be able to move will be seriously curtailed if your h wants 50/50. Your h could use the legal system yo prevent you moving away (I know the irony here would be that he'd found a solicitor and instructed them to carry out the paperwork but you never know what he might do if things are this important)

Not sure if I can tag everyone, but I'll try to respond as best as I can.

Yes, I think that the way forward for us may be a 'probation' - pulling out of the purchase, extending the lease for a period of time and counseling. I am wondering if I put deadline on it - would it undermine our effort with counseling or make us take it more seriously?

I don't want to divorce him as I think he is a lovely person and I do think and see how much he loves DC. He really is a devoted father and he never says no when it comes to DC - he may not organize things or notice things need doing, but he is very patient, creative and loving parent. I also still respect him as a person - maybe I don't think he's a great husband and I struggle to respect some of his decisions (or lack thereof) but I respect his mind, his morale, and his love and loyalty to our family.

On the other hand - yes, we failed each other badly. He by not taking action and me by enabling it by taking too much of it. I don't want to blame it all on him as I am sure that my personality is not the easiest one to co-exist with, and that my behavior made it easier for him to give in to his weakness.

I guess that if I was sure that I can never again be happy with him, I'd consider divorce more seriously... but I am not. I get very angry and think 'to hell with it all' but then I also remember being in love with him, I remember him holding my hand in hospitals after many MCs, being there for every doctor's appointment, giving me injections even though he is afraid of needles, leaving the house at 11pm to get me wasabi peas when I was finally pregnant... and then stepping up and handling quite a few nights at newborn stage to give me time to recover from a life-threatening delivery.

Those things still tell me that there may be hope. And I don't want to give up on him and us, because we didn't give up on becoming parents when it looked just as hopeless as this does. He needs to do a lot of work - and we won't make it if he doesn't - but there may be things I can do to help us get there too. I just don't see them right now.

I am so confused as to why on earth you are moving OP. It just doesn't make any sense at all. It sounds an awful situation to be in. Why do you feel so guilty towards him? What was your parents relationship like growing up?

@SoundBar - my parents had a very unhappy marriage - there were a lot of arguments and shouting and it was always made very clear to me that they stayed together 'for the kids'. Finally, they divorced after 30y of marriage and are on non-speaking terms now.

It may be a bit cultural too, I guess - I am not British (as you probably can tell) and my husband is. There is a definite 'collective before individual' trait in my culture where individual happiness is valued less than family life - even if that family life is not functional.

I do think that I have a proneness to feeling guilty and doing things out of 'duty' in general, not just in my marriage and I will seek counseling to try to unpack this a little. But in terms of our marriage - I think that what we went through together - the trauma of many pregnancy losses and infertility as well as moving around, starting from scratch so many times created an additional bond with DH which makes me more hesitant to break things off than I possibly would have been otherwise.

Can he not buy a crash pad near where he works and do a weekly commute/home for the weekends?

Sounds like a bit of space for you and self reliance for him might do you both the world of good.

OP, I recognise done of what you have posted although I mostly don’t work full time so accept that I need to do more to even things up. My DH had never planned or booked a holiday ever - in 30 years of being together. I made it clear this year that I wanted a weekend break for my birthday. And for the first time he delivered, booking the accommodation, reserving restaurant tables and booked one activity. I don’t know what made the difference, perhaps telling him this was the only thing I wanted.
I recognise that I have taken over in the past, just getting on with it as he doesn’t. I’m not sure I can advise you very well but for what it’s worth I’d give very specific instructions (I think in my case it’s at least partly his fear of getting it wrong as much as not bothering) and he needs to be stepping up now to help, whatever you decide to do. My DH was great with the failed ivf and 3 MCs and is a great dad, and was, right from the start, sharing night duties etc. He coped better with the colic than I did. So as far as I’m concerned, having to book holidays and sort out almost every activity we do is something I can live with - mostly.
With regards to your MIL I would address this with him beforehand if you do go ahead with the move. Make it clear what is not acceptable from her and make sure he will deal with any issues. I’ve been firm here as well although mine is not overbearing.
I wish you well.

Will you have to sort out childcare single-handedly as well if you’re both full time?!

I think you were mad to agree a move!

The fact you say you are feeling 'nothing' indicated maybe the stress has caused some depression. I have no doubt that the situation and inequality of responsibility annoys you and the current situation has highlighted it even more. However, it sounds like usually the benefits out weigh this negative until recently when you have ended up taking responsibility for something you don't even want to do. The resentment and stress is understandable.

In moments of depression, it is normal to lose feelings, it sounds like the basis of a good friendship is there. Don't make any rash decisions. Extend the lease, give it a year - 18 months and if you are still feeling very unhappy, move back. Taking this pressure off will certainly help you to feel less stressed and hopefully less depressed.