Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to be angry at friend for being flaky

36 replies

greentabby · 12/08/2021 11:14

I have a friend of a few years who has always been quite flaky but I know she suffers from anxiety so have tried to be understanding.

I haven’t seen her a lot over lockdowns and since things have opened up but we had finally arranged to meet for lunch last weekend. During the week before she mentioned she was struggling with her anxiety and asked if we could change plans from lunch to just coffee at hers but then on the day when I messaged to confirm time she replied saying she wasn’t feeling up to it now and that she also had plans with a couple of other friends coming up and was too stressed at the thought of it all so would have to leave our plans for another day.

Cancelling at short notice is not unusual for her and normally it doesn’t bother me too much but this time I’m really angry about it. I think it must be that i’m feeling down anyway (have some health and other issues going on which she is aware of) and was disappointed as was looking forward to finally meeting up after so long.

AIBU? Should i be more understanding that it could genuinely be her anxiety stopping her? I do try to be but the fact that she mentioned plans with other friends and posted photos of herself out with a group on social media a couple of days later makes me think she just used it as an excuse and just changed her mind about wanting to see me. She initiated the meet up in the first place.

I just said ok at the time and nothing since but now have a message saying she’s disappointed that i’m not more sympathetic and understanding about her mental health- tbh it’s just made me more angry but genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable now.

OP posts:

Original poster

greentabby · 12/08/2021 12:18

Bump

OP posts:

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 12/08/2021 12:24

I would be upset too.

I think I would reply to say you are sincerely understanding and sympathetic to her mental health and add that you too are struggling and was so looking forward to seeing her. Add that you of course feel disappointed that she chose to see other friends but couldn't see you (it's human nature to feel that way!). Something along those lines anyway!

Hopefully your message will help HER understand how you feel TOO.

DelphineMarineaux · 12/08/2021 12:28

I don't think you owe this person any understanding at all for their mental health. Anxiety or not, she basically told you directly that she would rather cancel on you to spend time with other people, than cancel on other people to spend time with you. To me, that's a big "F you" - which I cannot tolerate from anybody.

Combined with the fact that it's a pattern of her's to cancel on you, and to do it last minute as well...I just wouldn't bother with this person anymore. Clearly, she has no respect for you or your time, and it doesn't sound like she really values your company, either. I would personally deleter her number and not contact her again. I would be polite to her if she would contact me, but I certainly wouldn't invest much time, effort or interest in her, nor commit to plans with her.

CoalTit · 12/08/2021 12:34

when I messaged to confirm time she replied saying she wasn’t feeling up to it now and that she also had plans with a couple of other friends coming up and was too stressed at the thought of it all so would have to leave our plans for another day.
What a very elaborate way of saying she's had a better offer.
I can see why people are skeptical about other people's mental health problems when people like your friend refuse to manage them like an adult and use them as an excuse to treat other people the way she's treating you.

HermioneWeasley · 12/08/2021 12:37

Life is too short to put up with flakey people, whatever the reason for the flakiness.

It doesn’t sound like you’re getting much out of this friendship X

I’d move on.

Original poster

greentabby · 12/08/2021 13:16

@CoalTit

when I messaged to confirm time she replied saying she wasn’t feeling up to it now and that she also had plans with a couple of other friends coming up and was too stressed at the thought of it all so would have to leave our plans for another day. What a very elaborate way of saying she's had a better offer. I can see why people are skeptical about other people's mental health problems when people like your friend refuse to manage them like an adult and use them as an excuse to treat other people the way she's treating you.

Well the plans with other people were on different days, so she didn't cancel on me then go see them instead, but I did think it was strange she brought it up and it was more a kick in the teeth (that she kept her plans with them) than an understandable reason for cancelling

OP posts:

WomanStanleyWoman · 12/08/2021 13:26

People like this never change. It reminds me of a ‘friend’ who pulled out last minute on my birthday, blaming me for even expecting her to come out when her mother was seriously ill. Of course if I’d thought she was genuinely worried and distressed, I’d have understood - but she looked like she hadn’t a care in the world in the pictures she’d posted out clubbing the night before…

crosstalk · 12/08/2021 15:37

OP she had plans with other friends coming up - presume you don't know if she made the date with them?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2021 15:39

She may have anxiety issues, but that doesn't mean she isn't also self-absorbed and rude. She is. I would find a new friend.

MintyGreenDream · 12/08/2021 15:42

She's using her anxiety as a get out clause.

Gliblet · 12/08/2021 15:47

You could very easily reply with 'likewise'... Seems a good time to let this particular 'friendship' go though, so have a careful think about whether you want to reply at all.

PerseverancePays · 12/08/2021 15:54

I also had a friend I really liked and got on with but was always letting me down at the last minute. I decided to stop making the effort and I haven’t heard from her in ten years! Some people you just have to let go.

Original poster

greentabby · 12/08/2021 16:04

@crosstalk

OP she had plans with other friends coming up - presume you don't know if she made the date with them?

I know she kept at least one of them as I saw photos online

OP posts:

Bigoldmachine · 12/08/2021 16:04

I am going to just offer the opposite perspective…
That she isn’t flakey and is just really really struggling with her anxiety. It is so so common with anxiety sufferers to really truly want to keep social engagements but pull out last minute.

Of course that doesn’t change how annoying it is for you.

It depends how much you like her / how good a friend she is. I would be inclined to do the coffee date at hers as she suggested, then only make plans that you know she will probably be ok with - like don’t arrange another lunch just arrange another coffee at hers for next time.

phishy · 12/08/2021 16:06

I would deal with this by letting her drive future meet ups. So she suggests dates, times, options such as restaurants/cafes.

Be very passive and vat everything back to her.

You may not see her again but you will be less invested in so done flaky.

Bigoldmachine · 12/08/2021 16:06

Also I do feel like people are trying to be more understanding of mental health problems by accepting they are a thing, but often aren’t prepared to be accepting of the actual symptoms. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Original poster

greentabby · 12/08/2021 16:31

@Bigoldmachine

I am going to just offer the opposite perspective… That she isn’t flakey and is just really really struggling with her anxiety. It is so so common with anxiety sufferers to really truly want to keep social engagements but pull out last minute.

Of course that doesn’t change how annoying it is for you.

I do understand this view and it’s this that is keeping me from just walking away from the friendship completely really.

I believe she genuinely suffers with it which is why i’ve tried to be supportive and patient in the past. I generally agree to change plans to do whatever she is comfortable with and things like that but I think this latest occasion has just upset me because it’s the first time i’ve needed some support from her and she’s pretty much ignored that and still said she can’t see me but then gone out with a group a couple of days later.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/08/2021 16:38

You said OK when she changed plans, you didn't have a go or pressure her to go ahead. I'm not sure what extra support and understanding she is expecting. Whatever her reasons, even if completely genuine, she let you down and it's fine for you to feel disappointed.

I think I'd message back along the lines of you are sympathetic to her struggles but you are also struggling and was in need of some support so you are sure she will understand you feeling disappointed

UnsuitableHat · 12/08/2021 17:45

I find flakiness around social arrangements really irritating, but probably don’t understand anxiety (in that context) as well as I should, so I’d be inclined towards some of the more sympathetic responses on this thread. However I don’t think there’s anything wrong with letting her know how disappointed you felt.

WindyWindsor · 12/08/2021 19:01

YABU

She's telling you she has anxiety. You said yourself she's always been flakey because of her anxiety so it's not a new thing. Accept her for how she is or don't. It's a mental illness not someone pissing around for the fun of it.

Sandinmyknickers · 12/08/2021 19:38

I think she needs a gentle reminder that you are sympathetic, but that you are also a human with feelings and your own struggles. Anxiety isn't an excuse for not being a good friend, listening, not considering their feelings. Its an explanation for her cancelling, sure, but not for being rude to you or not considering your feelings when doing so. I think she's making this about herself a bit too much, and may just need a gentle reminder of this

newnortherner111 · 12/08/2021 19:49

I expect that with a bit of thought, assuming both invitations were with reasonable notice, you could have been given more notice. Struggling with too many things in a short period is understandable, repeatedly letting someone down last minute is not.

Jerseygirl12 · 12/08/2021 19:57

I had a flaky/anxious friend, after many cancellations and being messed about a lot I stopped arranging to see her. We stayed in touch by messenger and after a number on months we arranged to see each other and she didn’t cancel. We talked about her anxiety and have actually managed to have three times a month meet ups for a few years now but as soon as I mention doing a different activity together she gets flaky again. I love my friend and understand what she’s going through but have found the friendship difficult at times.

MichelleScarn · 12/08/2021 19:59

@Sandinmyknickers

Agree with all of this, of course you need to have empathy and support for people who are struggling, but empathy has to go both ways, and the rude message sent to op about not being supportive enough is unfair.

Fairyliz · 12/08/2021 20:02

Another person using anxiety as a cop out.
It seems to be more and more prevalent that people cancel plans at the last minute but somehow seem fine going out with other people and posting about it on social media.

Then if you dare to display upset at last minute cancellation you are the one being mean because they have ‘anxiety’.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread