AIBU to be angry at friend for being flaky

[greentabby]

I have a friend of a few years who has always been quite flaky but I know she suffers from anxiety so have tried to be understanding.

I haven’t seen her a lot over lockdowns and since things have opened up but we had finally arranged to meet for lunch last weekend. During the week before she mentioned she was struggling with her anxiety and asked if we could change plans from lunch to just coffee at hers but then on the day when I messaged to confirm time she replied saying she wasn’t feeling up to it now and that she also had plans with a couple of other friends coming up and was too stressed at the thought of it all so would have to leave our plans for another day.

Cancelling at short notice is not unusual for her and normally it doesn’t bother me too much but this time I’m really angry about it. I think it must be that i’m feeling down anyway (have some health and other issues going on which she is aware of) and was disappointed as was looking forward to finally meeting up after so long.

AIBU? Should i be more understanding that it could genuinely be her anxiety stopping her? I do try to be but the fact that she mentioned plans with other friends and posted photos of herself out with a group on social media a couple of days later makes me think she just used it as an excuse and just changed her mind about wanting to see me. She initiated the meet up in the first place.

I just said ok at the time and nothing since but now have a message saying she’s disappointed that i’m not more sympathetic and understanding about her mental health- tbh it’s just made me more angry but genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable now.

I think fuck your friend. It is totally understandable why you are annoyed, and it is not like you have voiced it, you have been pretty cool about it with her. Your friend telling you that you have been unsympathetic when she has been the one in the wrong is not nice. I would step away until you have stopped being annoyed with her.

Thanks everyone, think i'm just going to take a step back and see what happens

Yanbu though it may be hard for her. I had awful anxiety when I came out of a DV relationship and my best friend used to text me all the time and I swear to god I think i gnored her texts for about 6 months if not longer. I just could not bare to speak to anyone or engage in conversation. So glad she never held it against me when I was ready to reach out, made it so much easier for me. Anxiety can be awful.

Yanbu. It seems to be very selective anxiety Cool off the friendship and leave her to it. Focus your energy into positive relationships.

I'd a friend like this who i supported for years with her PND, she cancelled plans all the time with me knowing "I'd understand" which i did totally. I was the only one she did it to and after a while i just stopped contacting her. She recently sent a message cos life is falling apart again asking to be friends, I replied and nothing back so she's now blocked and I won't be entertaining any further contact.

I'm not surprised you're upset, your friend has been very rude.

Some people are all about their own needs and seemingly oblivious to others'.

I think it's time to tell her that you were disappointed because you've been struggling and we're looking forward to her company. Of course you understand her reasons but it's left you feeling a bit down.

It might actually jolt her out of her self absorption. You'll be doing the world a favour!

It is actually quite annoying in general when people cite mental health issues as an excuse for rudeness. Now maybe she was having an anxiety attack that day, maybe it is genuine but still she could show a little consideration for those around her.

I’ve had an old flaky friend recently contact me again after I severed ties with her for always flaking out on me but being able to make plans and keep them with others. The final straw was flaking out of my wedding at the last minute.

She’s messaged me again to meet up because ‘she’s better now’ but the entire message was about her and how everything has impacted her and not at all about how her behaviour impacted me. The tone of her message was that I should get over my upset because she ‘dealt with it the best way she could’. The best she could do was ditch me so she could keep other plans. Anxiety and mental health is something I will do my best to support someone through but it doesn’t make being a crap friend ok.

Anxiety is awful and deserves sympathy and understanding, but only to the extent that the person is doing all they can to get the help they need to manage or overcome it.
To use it as a blanket excuse to be a flakey friend not consider others is not on.

"I just said ok at the time and nothing since but now have a message saying she’s disappointed that i’m not more sympathetic and understanding about her mental health- tbh it’s just made me more angry but genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable now."

YANBU. Why could she not have contacted you instead of waiting for you to phone before telling you she's was cancelling. She could have texted.

"I think it must be that i’m feeling down anyway (have some health and other issues going on which she is aware of) and was disappointed as was looking forward to finally meeting up after so long."

So she expects you to be all sympathetic and supportive, but your needs are ignored? I'm glad you've said you're going to step back, because she is no friend to you, flaky or otherwise .

YANBU. Never prioritise someone who just sees you as one of many options. Mental health issues can make the sufferer very selfish and rarely appreciate the effect their behaviour can have on those around them. She may recognise and value your friendship and support in the future but it doesn't sound like she's there yet. I don't think anybody could blame you for distancing yourself in the meantime.