Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed with this comment?

31 replies

lavenderandwisteria · 12/08/2021 09:08

I was thinking of name changing, but never mind.

Breastfeeding failed miserably when I had ds, despite time and effort and money. I’m still not quite sure what I did wrong.

Anyway, DP and I are clearing clutter and my breast pump and various paraphernalia associated with feeding was there and he asked me if I’d try a second time or not bother and go straight to bottles.

It sounds like nothing, but it annoyed me, as if it was a small unimportant thing when it isn’t.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/08/2021 09:10

It sounds like a general enquiry to me as he needed to know if to keep the stuff?

LittleMG · 12/08/2021 09:11

I’m same as you tried, didn’t work out. I would try again anyhow. I know it’s tender subject but I really don’t think just asking would you try again is a bad thing to say. How else could he have put it?

lineeyesneeded · 12/08/2021 09:12

Not sure what annoyed you about it?
From your account he was asking you a reasonable question. Possibly his motivation was that after watching you spent time, money and emotion trying to breastfeed it would make life with a newborn "easier" if you didn't try. It doesn't sound like a snide comment or a dig just a question.
That said, I wasn't there, didn't hear the tone etc do you feel as if he was having a go in some way?

AppleKatie · 12/08/2021 09:13

Gently YABU. DP was in a no win situation here. I know how you feel but from his point of view he might well be trying to not pressure you.

purpleme12 · 12/08/2021 09:14

I can't see anything wrong with what he asked
Such a strange post

Original poster
lavenderandwisteria · 12/08/2021 09:14

That’s just the point though. If someone wants to make life with a breastfed newborn easier they could bring the baby to you while you feed and take him away and let you rest, bring you drinks and snacks, do all the housework, change nappies, but they don’t. Every time they just take your baby away to bottle feed him.

OP posts:
AnonymousCheerleader · 12/08/2021 09:15

It's a legitimate question.

My friend failed first time but has been successful with her second child.

rooarsome · 12/08/2021 09:16

I don't see anything wrong with it tbh. I've had similar conversations with my husband.

Original poster
lavenderandwisteria · 12/08/2021 09:16

I think it was the fact he didn’t seem to understand just how important it was to me and how bad I feel about it all. But obviously a lot of people don’t really understand that. I just thought he would, since he was in the midst of it.

OP posts:
namechange30455 · 12/08/2021 09:19

Is it because he said "not bother"? He made you feel a bit like he thought you stopped cos you couldn't be arsed? If so I totally get that.

It doesn't sound like he was very supportive while you were trying to bf either from your later post?

Original poster
lavenderandwisteria · 12/08/2021 09:21

I still get pissed off when I think about it! Smile but yes it probably was the phrase not bother which got to me.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 12/08/2021 09:42

You are being oversensitive because it is a touchy subject for you. I was like this when dh asked if I would want to try breastfeeding again with ds, I didn't. He has asked again as we are due our 3rd in a few weeks and I am in two minds, it depends on the type of birth and my recovery.

Let it go, he didn't mean any harm by it.

Emmelina · 12/08/2021 09:53

Perhaps his wording put you on edge, but I don’t think he meant to upset you by it.

Hemingwaycat · 12/08/2021 09:54

I don’t think he meant anything by this whatsoever. He was either asking to check whether you wanted to keep the paraphernalia or he was just curious, he didn’t mean anything by it. I think you’re just hypersensitive about it because you’re still beating yourself up about not being able to do it. You shouldn’t be doing this, your baby was fed and kept alive and well so that’s all that really matters.

Original poster
lavenderandwisteria · 12/08/2021 09:55

He definitely won’t have meant to, but it’s not really his intent I’m unsure of.

It just seems to suggest he hasn’t taken on board how upsetting not breastfeeding was for me.

OP posts:
Luckyelephant1 · 12/08/2021 10:00

@lavenderandwisteria

He definitely won’t have meant to, but it’s not really his intent I’m unsure of.

It just seems to suggest he hasn’t taken on board how upsetting not breastfeeding was for me.

But have you ever discussed this with him? Maybe he doesn't know how upsetting it was? I don't think he meant anything of it, it was just a practical questions so as to know what to do with the breastfeeding stuff. No malice or intent there.
Seesawmummadaw · 12/08/2021 10:04

Said kindly- I think you are over thinking it and no matter what he did/said would have hurt because you already feel upset about it. There isn’t a right way to ask.

He might sympathise but I don’t think he can understand how upsetting it is. (And it is. Been there, got the T-shirt).

3scape · 12/08/2021 10:09

If he didnt support you why would you be thinking of tryimg again anyway? Couldnt you make that clear to him?

Aorh · 12/08/2021 10:09

I don’t think men can understand the way it is loaded up for us. I have been 100% irrational about it, even while knowing I was. Men have the luxury of being detached and it’s just about the practicality of getting the baby fed anyway.

I think the fact he’s accepting the choice is all yours and he’s happy either way is a good thing.

I breastfed my first, it was a huge struggle but they wouldn’t take a bottle so we just had to stick it out. I “didn’t bother” with any attempt at bottle feeding the second time so we chucked out the bottle stuff. We probably had the same conversation, but the other way around. It’s the same words, but it’s not got the same emotion behind it when it is reversed.

My point is, he probably meant “don’t bother” in a really benign way, as in “don’t bother with the upset it caused” but it doesn’t sound that way to many of us women when we’re on the subject of breastfeeding. Totally get why you heard it negatively, but I imagine he didn’t mean it at all.

Aprilx · 12/08/2021 10:16

YABU. It seems like a perfectly normal question in the context.

Original poster
lavenderandwisteria · 12/08/2021 10:19

Yes, you’re probably right about the don’t bother part.

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 12/08/2021 11:14

I recognise your username from previous discussions about breastfeeding and I wonder if you think it might be helpful to chat about your feelings around your experiences in a more formal way, with somebody who can help you work through your feelings?

Original poster
lavenderandwisteria · 12/08/2021 11:16

If you mean counselling or similar no, I’m not really interested in anything like that, thanks.

OP posts:
BIWI · 12/08/2021 11:19

Did you ever actually talk to him about how you felt?

Original poster
lavenderandwisteria · 12/08/2021 11:21

Yes. I spent a great deal of time and money trying to make it work ,so it surprised me he thought I wouldn’t even bother trying a second time.

OP posts: