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Original poster

What to say to DD17 when her BF has finished with her

34 replies

Iamnotminterested · 11/08/2021 23:28

Not aibu but posting for traffic. So, DD started getting friendly with a boy in year 11, fast forward they started dating and wete together for just shy of 18 months. He finished it and she desperately wants him back, except he doesn't want her back.

They are in 6th form together, and she's talking about going to a different 6th form in the city to do year 13, even though she's got great mock results in her current school (where's she's been since year 7) so that she doesn't have to see him.

She is a bright girl with grear predicted grades and potentially the world at her feet but she can't see past this silly immature boy 'ruining her life' by finishing with her.

We've said ad nauseum about her concentrating on her life and forgetting him, but when all she wants is him back it falls on deaf ears.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom that we may not have used? For context, she has an older and younger sister. Thanks.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 11/08/2021 23:32

What you're describing is completely normal....it's something most kids go through at some point.

She's had her heart broken for the first time and it's HARD!

Saying concentrate on her life and forget him means nothing to her because she's feeling those emotions anyway. Regardless of what you say, she's stuck.

If she wants to move, let her. It's a new start. It's actually a good way of thinking because she's dreading seeing this boy regularly...fearing she won't be able to concentrate on her work.

I wouldn't stop her....if she's got good results so far, she will again.

Kanaloa · 11/08/2021 23:34

Bless her. I don’t think you can say anything to help, her world has just ended you know! Is the other school a particularly poor one? Either way, these things have a way of not seeming so bad after a couple of weeks.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/08/2021 23:49

Tbh at this stage I would concentrate on the negative impact moving schools would have on her studies and her future…

XjustagirlX · 12/08/2021 00:05

Bless her. I remember this with each of my boyfriends. It is completely heartbreaking.

From my experience it helped for me to always be with someone for the first few weeks usually my mum or friends. Also it helped to write a list of all the reasons why he wasn’t nice or we weren’t suited. I know that sounds silly but it helped me to realise it wasn’t meant to be and I could do better.

XjustagirlX · 12/08/2021 00:08

Also my mum sat with me and comforted me. She said ‘you know we will sit here crying a few times yet before you will meet the right person’. That really hit home that it’s normal and it will pass and it won’t be the last heartbreak.

On my next heartbreak my mum sat with me while I was crying and said, ‘do you remember what I said last time’. Wink

Warmduscher · 12/08/2021 00:09

Have you shown any sympathy towards her or just told her to forget about him and “concentrating on her life”? Because if you haven’t, that’s where you’re going wrong.

CirqueDeMorgue · 12/08/2021 00:48

Oh, poor lass. Sad

Keladrythesaviour · 12/08/2021 01:01

My mom told me not to make any decisions for 6 weeks. That included texting him! I absolutely knew after 6 weeks I would still feel the same way....
Except after 6 weeks I really didn't. Mom's always right.
Maybe set a slightly shorter time frame if she's trying to make decisions regarding school etc but I'd definitely say she needs to give it a month before she makes any choices.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 12/08/2021 01:18

What I would say to a friend, I know it really hurts at the moment etc. Plan something nice for yourself. Don't make big decisions. And, very importantly, remove their number, social media etc.

Amima · 12/08/2021 01:27

If she wants to move in order to avoid seeing him I would let her. Good predicted grades are useless if she’s upset and can’t concentrate.

Imo telling her to forget him is absolutely the wrong thing to say because it’s dismissive of her feelings. She doesn’t have to forget him. She doesn’t have to get over it. It’s possible to put it to the back of your mind and move on without forgetting or getting over it. And as time passes it will get easier. Would you be telling her to forget him if he’d died tragically? Because the loss and emotion is the same as a bereavement. I think it’s perfectly ok to feel that pain and accept that it’s part of your story, and not try to pretend it hasn’t happened or it doesn’t matter. Because it does.

KatieKat88 · 12/08/2021 03:30

On a very practical level, what subjects is she doing? For some subjects schools choose their own topics and they may not match up (e.g. historical periods, books for English Lit etc).

Lots of sympathy and PPs' ideas of a time frame before making decisions sounds really sensible.

Eralos · 12/08/2021 06:27

Your poor daughter. 18 months feels a lot longer at that age. She’s hurting, if support abs comfort her. It’s great she’s talking to you. Plan lots of fun (distractions) over the new while. Remove his social media, get her to exercise (maybe sign up for a fitness challenge) this girl runs does online challenges. thisgirlruns.club/

Plumtree391 · 12/08/2021 06:37

It's very hard, especially with your first love. Of course it passes but it takes its own time and other people giving advice usually falls on deaf ears.

Your daughter is very sensible to want to go to a different college to the one he will be attending. She'll meet new people, won't bump into him and basically she'll have a new start.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 12/08/2021 06:44

It helps, I think, to know that all things come and go. Feelings don't stay the same forever. Happy says pass, bad days pass, dull days pass and so on. The way your daughter is feeling now will not be the way she feels forever. It will pass.

I remember that pain as a teenager. 💐

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 12/08/2021 06:56

I remember that pain as a teenager too....

Give your DD a hug and just listen to her. Do some nice things she will enjoy together.

PearlFriday · 12/08/2021 07:06

I agrer with the poster who said that she had her heart broken for the first time and its hard. It is hard. Would she do some self compassion meditations on youtube.
Tell her to repeat "this is a difficult time. This is a challenging time". Really acknowledge it.

GreyWhite · 12/08/2021 07:07

I had my first proper relationship at 17. Made all of my uni choices around him (ie not too far so he/I could visit on weekends). It’s hard to explain but I knew at the time I was limiting myself, I tried to justify that my choices were still good ones to my parents.

Ultimately they kind of left me to it. Looking back I was craving someone to sit and help guide me. The decisions felt too big on my own and I was overwhelmed, and honestly I think it was the start of a loss in confidence that I’m not sure I’ve ever regained. Because I wasn’t making the best choice for me. I thought I was but I wasn’t.

Maybe it’s easy to look back with hindsight, and perhaps my parents did try to guide me. I can’t blame them for my decisions but I really needed a confidence boost and to feel that i could branch out away from the boyf and still be happy and that I owed it to myself.

I think the advice of “not making big decisions whilst everything is raw” is brilliant, and makes for a great life skill.

PearlFriday · 12/08/2021 07:08

From a different perspective, ziplining helped me after a hard decision a few years ago. I felt less like life was happening to me and more like i was in control.

GreyWhite · 12/08/2021 07:31

Ziplining? As in flying through the air??

LouLou198 · 12/08/2021 07:38

Reading this has brought back lots of emotions! 18 months is a long time at that age, bless her she is heartbroken, I remember it well! I was in a similar situation myself, I had to see him in 6th form everyday, then he moved on to someone else and it was awful to watch. If she thinks moving would be best for her to get a fresh start and concentrate on her studies I think she should go for it. In the meantime lots of hugs, distractions, take her out for meals/shopping etc.

PearlFriday · 12/08/2021 07:42

Oh yes, i got a real perspective 360 after ziplining.
I felt so passively miseable that life and shit was happening to me and after ziplining i felt, no, wait, i can, maybe do things, proactively, and even if i cant change my whole life, i can have fun.
I felt so much better afterwards. Still single, still missing an avoidant arse who wouldnt put a label on it, but avoided every single boundary between a friendship and a relationship.... but i felt exhilarated and lifted. I had hope that i could bring good things in and not just be the passive recipient of the shit that happens.

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 12/08/2021 07:42

@PearlFriday

From a different perspective, ziplining helped me after a hard decision a few years ago. I felt less like life was happening to me and more like i was in control.
I took up skydiving (not joking)

Your daughter can do a solo jump after just a weekend of training - AFF level 1 - and trust me, the exhilaration she’ll feel after will blow anything else out of her mind.

Have a Google for clubs near you that teach AFF. She’ll be hooked Smile

lannistunut · 12/08/2021 07:44

All you can say is that you understand how hard it is to have a broken heart, and you will be there to comfort her even though you know you can't fix it. Do NOT talk adnauseum about her concentrating on her life and forgetting him - this is really very insensitive and will make things much harder for her.

I would personally say to her that if she really wants to move sixth forms you will support her, but that you would like her to think it through carefully as it could disrupt her education and it seems a shame for that to happen on top of a broken heart. But really she should be given space to choose.

PearlFriday · 12/08/2021 07:44

Wow,i would love to try that!

Ellmau · 12/08/2021 07:47

Your poor DD. This is always hard.

But I wouldn't switch schools in the middle of A levels, even if they accept her. They may be doing different syllabi, or even if the same, may be teaching in a different order.

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