Am I wasting time on an 'I don't know'?

[wastingtime01]

I've been in a relationship with a man that I met online at the beginning of the year, so it is a relatively new relationship. We have seen each other a lot, 4-5 times a week at least, we have met one another's family and friends, we have been on a holiday together. We get on really well, we've got a lot in common, laugh all the time, we've never argued. I really enjoy spending time with him and we are very relaxed with each other. Everything about our relationship is great, except...

He isn't sure if he wants more children. I have one DC, primary age, he also has one DC who is a teenager. There is a pretty large age gap between us (12 years). I am 28 and he is 40. I definitely want at least one more child, I am very certain about that. When we first discussed it he said he was open to the possibility but in a recent conversation he says he doesn't know.

I'm just not sure what to do with this. It is a wonderful relationship, the best I have had so far, but I have this massive doubt in my mind and it is preventing me from wanting to progress our relationship. He's keen for me to meet his DC, but I don't want to, and I don't want him to meet mine, if we don't at least have some sort of shared vision of the future. I'm hesitant to get further intrenched in his life (there are a few family events coming up), and similarly, I'm reluctant to further intrench him in mine. Speaking to a friend today, she doesn't think I should waste time on an 'I don't know.' I'm holding back from him because I just don't know if this relationship is going somewhere. I'm not asking him to say he will definitely have kids with me (that's crazy, we've only known each other 8 months), but I think I might be better off meeting someone who definitely sees children in their future?

At 40 I definitely wouldn't want another child, either. I think his decision is already made, he just isn't brave enough to tell you. If you absolutely want another child stop wasting your time on him.

Sorry but I think YABU. You've known each other for a few months. It is pretty early to know if you'd like to have a child together. He has every right to say he doesn't know. It might depend for example on how your DC get on with each other, which might never happen if you keep everything at arm's length unless he agrees. You might find you don't want a child with him after a few more months, once the in-love rosy tint has gone and you are in every day life again. I'd just carry on getting closer and revisit this in another 12 months. You are so young. You have a good decade to have another child,at least.

@robotcollision

But he hasn't said, 'I don't know, I want to see how the relationship progresses, how our DC get on etc.' He's just said 'I don't know.' It's all well and good saying to spend another year with him, but then I am nearing 30, I've got to start dating again, find someone else, fall in love, spend a few years getting to know them... by that point I've wasted 2 years in a dead end relationship, my DC have possibly been effected by meeting this man for it not to work out, and I am only getting older

Yes, to be blunt, you are. He doesn’t know, and he’s 40.

If you’re sure that you do want more kids, go find someone else who is sure too. It makes life a lot easier, and a lot more fun.

'I don't know' is perfect in these circumstances. It's an honest answer. He is very sensible not to be rushing into anything or making promises that he might not want to keep.

At 40 i wouldn't want more kids either. Sounds like his mind is made up and he doesn't have the heart to tell you yet.

YANBU!

I'd be honest with him that you're sure you do want another child someday - making clear you're not saying you want to start TTC now - but that if he doesn't, he needs to tell you because that's a deal breaker for you.

I honestly don't understand why people think YABU! You know what you want, why would you waste a few years of your life on something that doesn't give you that? It wouldn't be fair on you or your DP to revisit this in 3+ years and have the relationship break down. She's not telling him she wants his child right now, just that down the road she will want a baby.

I think I dunno is short hand for no but I’m not going to say that because you will leave me.

My gut says he doesn't really want more but doesn't want the relationship to end. I just don't understand why he keeps pushing for me to meet his DC, if deep down he knows the relationship has no longevity.

I'm not asking him to promise to have children with me. I agree that 'I don't know' is a good answer for him. But I could meet someone who definitely wants kids, or more kids, rather than continue a relationship with someone who doesn't know.

Maybe it's no bad thing to not have more children. It's a complicated set up as it is.

I wouldn’t meet his child nor introduce mine to him as you don’t know if this relationship has legs since he “doesn’t know”.

He’s 40 and he probably knows whether he wants more children or not, maybe wants them but not with you or maybe he just doesn’t want more but doesn’t want to tell you because he likes spending time with you.

I would see this as a short term relationship.

If him not wanting children is a deal breaker, tell him that. People his age usually know if they do want more children or not, so he should be honest with you. If he really doesn't know and you continue this relationship, you need to be ready to not have more children.
I hope it will all work out for you either way

I think if you are 100% sure you want another child, there is no point pursuing a relationship with a man who doesn't feel that same "100% yes". It's not about whether you want another child with each other, at this early point. It's about knowing what you each want from life. For me, you're either hell yes about something, or it's a no. "I don't know" isn't a 100% hell yes. So that's your answer.

The risk is that you could end this and never meet someone you do want to have that second child with - even if you meet someone who shares your goal. If you're ok with sacrificing the connection you have with this guy, to take that risk, then I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Why doesn’t he know?

You've only known each other for five minutes and you're still young enough to give it a bit of time until you need to get a definite yes or no from him.

Part of his uncertainty, and one of the reasons he want you to meet his children, might be because he wants to see how you'd be with his children and with the idea of having step children.

If the relationship is as good as you say, I think you're giving up on it way too soon.

He might very well change his mind about having more children a year or so down the line when he knows you better and sees how you are with his children, how he feels about your child and how the children get on. If, of course, everything goes well.

Why do you feel that you're 'wasting your time'? Why the hurry? Why the pressure?

There really are no guarantees that you will find the man that you're looking for with whom you no doubt want to have relationship as good as this one, and who will want to have children with you.

Why not enjoy the relationship and see where goes?

I would tell him that this is a deal-breaker for you, that you realize that things still are not set between you as a couple, but that if you make it as a long term relationship that children are something you want for sure. Tell him to take a bit of time to think about it but that you want a real answer before progressing on to introduce the kids etc.

I'd also say, I actually don't think a relationship generally requires a lot more time than 8 months to know if you should make a commitment and plan for the future. If you hadn't been able to see much of each other due to Covid, it would be different, but I would say that by this point, you either know that there is the potential for it to work, and if you want it to you need to commit, or there isn't.

@AnneLovesGilbert

That's a very good question and one I should ask him. When we've spoken about it before, I haven't asked his reasoning for 'I don't know.' I think asking will give me a much clearer idea of where his head is at. I'm seeing him tonight so it will give me the opportunity to ask.

I don't think it's being unreasonable to be honest and upfront about the fact that you want more kids in the future. It would be unreasonable if you were forcing an ultimatum on him or forcing him to decide now but you're not. However I think you still have plenty of time so there's no need to rush, if you're happy you can continue to enjoy your happy relationship for a while longer and see how it goes. I don't think it's unreasonable to delay him meeting your children if you're not sure how long he'll be in your life. Good luck x

After just 7 or 8 months I'd usually be inclined to say give it a bit more time but he's 40 with a teenager.... it seems pretty unlikely that he's going to suddenly think that a baby is a good idea. It sounds to me like he really likes you, sees a future and wants you to be fully entrenched in his life, but without more children. If more DC is a deal breaker for you, I think you need to end this sooner rather than later. I'm sorry.

Instinct tells me it’s a no. Especially as his child is so grown up, l can see why he wouldn’t want to start with the baby phase again

Of course he knows, he just doesn’t want to say because then there will be a conversation about it and you’ll be upset & he’ll squirm like a maggot on a fish hook and in the end you’ll either get strung along for years hoping he will change or you’ll leave.

He’s going to be quite happy shagging a 28yo when he’s 40, that’s how old I was when I met dh and he was 40, other men thought he was a legend for having a younger girlfriend.

It’s man code for no I don’t want kids but I’m happy to string you along for years. Everyone knows what they don’t/do want. It’s not hard to know if you want kids or not is it?. It’s such a vague response designed to keep us on the back burner.

I’m 40 and know I don’t want anymore. Obviously people do want and have more children after 40, but I imagine most don’t if they already have a child/children.

I’d press him (gently) on what his stance was before you met. It’s completely understandable if he doesn’t want more or feels he won’t in the future. But if you’re certain you do, I think it is a dealbreaker.

If he cares for you, he’ll understand why this is so important to you and won’t want to lead you on if it’s a no/he can’t commit.

Good luck.

@wastingtime01

My gut says he doesn't really want more but doesn't want the relationship to end. I just don't understand why he keeps pushing for me to meet his DC, if deep down he knows the relationship has no longevity.

I'm not asking him to promise to have children with me. I agree that 'I don't know' is a good answer for him. But I could meet someone who definitely wants kids, or more kids, rather than continue a relationship with someone who doesn't know.

I agree with your gut.

"When we first discussed it he said he was open to the possibility but in a recent conversation he says he doesn't know."

To me, this reeks of him trying to make himself amenable at the start of the relationship. He now feels comfortable to say 'don't know' because he's decided you like the relationship enough to still roll with that answer. In a couple of years time, when he's sure he has you hooked, he'll tell you he's now decided he doesn't. But in truth, he's already made that decision, he just doesn't want to be honest because he'd rather you stuck around.

If you're sure you want more children, I'd be looking elsewhere.

I don't know is likely to mean, some days I look at babies and think it would be lovely to have another one, then the next day, I hear my friends telling me how knackered they are through sleep deprivation and I think never again.

It's very normal to have mixed feelings at 40. You can't push him to tell you more than that he doesn't know which way the balance will tick. If you can't deal with the uncertainty and don't want to invest any longer, you need to break it up.

Either way, it might be the best decision you make or the worse, but there isn't much in the middle.

Just enjoy the relationship for what it is, for now. You do at least have one child each, if you stay together you might find his older child becomes very fond of yours and takes on the 'big sibling' role. That does happen - or it might not.

It's good that you haven't rushed in to meeting the children just yet.

I'm amazed you've been able to see so much of each other, met each other's parents and gone away on holiday together, considering we have been in lockdown. How did you manage that?

I agree with what vivainsomnia said. Having a child is a huge commitment, responsibility and all round 'thing'. It's better to be cautious.