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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I wasting time on an 'I don't know'?

46 replies

wastingtime01 · 11/08/2021 16:17

I've been in a relationship with a man that I met online at the beginning of the year, so it is a relatively new relationship. We have seen each other a lot, 4-5 times a week at least, we have met one another's family and friends, we have been on a holiday together. We get on really well, we've got a lot in common, laugh all the time, we've never argued. I really enjoy spending time with him and we are very relaxed with each other. Everything about our relationship is great, except...

He isn't sure if he wants more children. I have one DC, primary age, he also has one DC who is a teenager. There is a pretty large age gap between us (12 years). I am 28 and he is 40. I definitely want at least one more child, I am very certain about that. When we first discussed it he said he was open to the possibility but in a recent conversation he says he doesn't know.

I'm just not sure what to do with this. It is a wonderful relationship, the best I have had so far, but I have this massive doubt in my mind and it is preventing me from wanting to progress our relationship. He's keen for me to meet his DC, but I don't want to, and I don't want him to meet mine, if we don't at least have some sort of shared vision of the future. I'm hesitant to get further intrenched in his life (there are a few family events coming up), and similarly, I'm reluctant to further intrench him in mine. Speaking to a friend today, she doesn't think I should waste time on an 'I don't know.' I'm holding back from him because I just don't know if this relationship is going somewhere. I'm not asking him to say he will definitely have kids with me (that's crazy, we've only known each other 8 months), but I think I might be better off meeting someone who definitely sees children in their future?

OP posts:

longtompot · 11/08/2021 18:20

What happens if you do decide not to continue with him, try and find someone else you get on with so well and don't find that person? Ten years down the line you still only have one child and no person to share your life with. Which would be worse, no child or no person to share things with?

LadyJaye · 11/08/2021 18:23

I think, if you are absolutely set on having more children, you would be better to chalk this one up to experience and try to meet somebody younger.

At 40 (and I say this at 42 myself) your habits and character are really quite deeply ingrained - much more so than at 30.

It's sad, but I do think this guy is probably pretty sure of his opinion, even if he isn't saying so in so many words, and you would be better to end things amicably now, before you get too attached.

Fairyliz · 11/08/2021 18:24

I think he means I don’t want any more children, but I’m not going to tell this hot young woman that or she might leave.
So I will say I don’t know to stall her.

Looubylou · 11/08/2021 18:29

I don't think I'm best to advise as DP and myself were together 20 years before having a child 😂

girlmom21 · 11/08/2021 18:36

I think you're right. He does know that he doesn't want more children but he wants to be with you, which is why he won't completely rule it out.

You say you're not looking for a definitive yes but that you don't want to drag it out if it's not going to happen.

Problem is you're likely to waste years waiting on an 'I don't know' for him to then turn round and say 'no I'm too old now'.

newnortherner111 · 11/08/2021 18:56

I think its code for 'no more children'.

billy1966 · 11/08/2021 19:06

@Fluffycloudland77

Of course he knows, he just doesn’t want to say because then there will be a conversation about it and you’ll be upset & he’ll squirm like a maggot on a fish hook and in the end you’ll either get strung along for years hoping he will change or you’ll leave.

He’s going to be quite happy shagging a 28yo when he’s 40, that’s how old I was when I met dh and he was 40, other men thought he was a legend for having a younger girlfriend.

It’s man code for no I don’t want kids but I’m happy to string you along for years. Everyone knows what they don’t/do want. It’s not hard to know if you want kids or not is it?. It’s such a vague response designed to keep us on the back burner.

This.

He knows.

I wouldn't blame him at all.

I certainly don't see any appeal in going back to babies once you have been through it.

Teens in your 50's is work, especially as he has a child.

He clearly likes you and is hoping by becoming more enmeshed in each others lives, you will drift along.

Your gut is correct.
Listen to it.

Move on.

TheUndoingProject · 11/08/2021 19:12

YANBU. I think he knows damn fine he doesn’t more kids but doesn’t want you to break up with him.

Of course he shouldn’t give a cast iron guarantee, but in your shoes I’d want at least “I want/am open to more kids in the future but would need to be sure that it wouldn’t negatively impact our existing children”

sleepyhoglet · 11/08/2021 19:36

I would take the relationship as it comes without the pressure of wanting more kids. You might really really click but decide you don't actually want more kids and want to spend time together

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 11/08/2021 19:40

There point is you definitely want another child, and he - at best - doesn’t know if he does.

It makes no sense to stay with him.

You’re only 28, you have time. Don’t lose fertile years to someone who’s having fun with you in the knowledge that he won’t give you something he knows you want from him. The honourable thing for him to do would be to let you go.

UnGoogled · 11/08/2021 19:49

He'll be mid-40s before he's brave enough to say no, but it'll be framed as being too old to start again, the age gaps are too big, etc etc.

He's stringing you along.

However I don't really understand the appeal of purposefully making one's life more complicated than necessary.

fuckoffImcounting · 11/08/2021 19:52

'I don't know' is not a good answer and it probably means No. The only answer you want to hear when you want a child with someone is a strong Yes. He has already strung you along on this because he does not want to lose a much younger partner. Beware he does not string you along again, running down the clock on your fertility, until it is too late.

senoritarita · 11/08/2021 19:53

You have the decide if you want him or another child

If this relationship is as good as you say, stick with him! You may not meet anyone you like as much

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/08/2021 19:58

If he alone isn’t enough for you then let him go. He can find someone then who is happy with him alone.

It’s far too soon to expect him to agree to a child, you’ve barely been dating and have no idea if the children will get on, how it will work living together as that’s very very different from a week away etc.

LarryUnderwood · 11/08/2021 20:07

Seems to me that you're the one for whom this is a priority, so the onus is on you to make a decision. If you're sure you want more you need to break up with him, because he isn't sure - and you need someone who is. It's that simple. I don't think it comes down to him 'stringing you along' or anything like that. You want something, you need to go out and find it. I'm sorry, it just doesn't sound like this is the right relationship for what you want.

pigsDOfly · 11/08/2021 20:27

So many posters are being really hard on this man simply for not being sure if he wants another child at a very early stage in a relationship.

It doesn't sound like he's stringing the OP along because he just wants the pleasure of shagging a younger woman, as pps have suggested.

If he's suggesting that the OP meets his children it sounds as if he wants the relationship to move forward and progress.

They've only known each other for around 7 months, that's awfully early in a relationship to start discussing the possibility of having children together.

But that conversation has been had and if it's a deal breaker for you OP you need to be up front with him and end the relationship.

Seems an awful shame when you clearly like each other and get on so well, but if having another child is so vitally important to you then it's vitally important to you and there's nothing to be done.

Perhaps you're at such different stages in your lives that there's no way round it, or perhaps you're just pushing too hard and too soon for him to make such a big decision and that's why he went from 'maybe' to 'not sure'.

NoMoreCovidPlease · 11/08/2021 20:33

He's not wrong and he probably is honest. BUT you need to be honest with yourself. As wonderful as he is, if you know you want more children, then you need to move on. No one is at fault. 28 and 40 is a big age gap, no wonder you want different things!

BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 11/08/2021 21:26

Don’t waste your time. DH and I had the kids talk on our third date. Thankfully neither of us wanted them as we both had them from previous relationships. DH said he wasn’t looking forward to the talk as he’d had the snip!! This is such a hugely important topic that you have to be on the right page and you’re young enough to find someone who wants kids if he doesn’t.

BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 11/08/2021 21:27

*same page

Neverrains · 11/08/2021 21:32

I doubt there are many 40 year olds with a teenager who would want to start again with a baby to be honest.
Talk to him. Find out exactly where his head is at. Make it clear that you definitely want children. If you’re not 100% on the same page, split.

Peace43 · 11/08/2021 21:33

I’m 43. I don’t want more kids. I’m 100% about that. I cannot understand how someone at age 40 who has already had a kid wouldn’t know if they wanted their future to have more kids in it or not. I can imagine not knowing yet if I wanted them with a specific person but having a baby is such a huge life changing thing that you either want or don’t want… I don’t see that there’s a “maybe” option!

I think he does not want another baby but he can’t say that because you’ll leave him before you get too invested. Leave now. Find a guy who does want a baby.

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