AIBU to think we should go away this Christmas; the first after my Mum has died.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

My mum died just over 3 weeks ago.

I am devastated by her loss. Feel beside myself at times. So are my DF and my 3 children. I have spent every Christmas in my 54 years in my parents’ house. My mother-in-law and brother-in-law usually join us. And it was pretty much open house. Over the years lots of other family members have joined in too. My mum was the heart of Christmas.

I feel panicky at the thought of Christmas in the family home without her. I just think we shall all miss her too much there. Part of that panic is wondering how my father and my children (my oldest in particular will cope). The alternatives would be to have it at our house (just a short walk away) or to go to a rental cottage or hotel. My eldest DC is 20 and has briefly spoken about it to me (she raised it). She thinks going away might be best. All my 3 children loved my mother enormously and are reeling from her death.

I shall obviously not do anything without speaking to DF about it. But it seems too soon to do that at the moment. However, I’m aware that things will book up fairly soon.

At present I’m thinking a nice rental property in the same county with room for DF and DMIL. But it’s hard to know how we all will feel in 4 months.

Just for clarity; although we always celebrated Christmas at my parents’ house, for the last few years the food and general preparation has been done by me. So that side of things is not new to me.

Obviously all views are welcome. But especially those who have had experience of the first Christmas after the loss of a parent.

My dad died in December 2019, I found it comforting being at home for Christmas.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is very hard

Thank you. You see I might feel like that. I just don’t know! It’s so hard isn’t it. Do you mind me asking, did you spend Christmas where you would usually be with your DF?

In my experience it is better to do something different, I think it eases the pressure a bit. It will be hard and I also think it’s important to recognise that. It may not be a holly jolly Christmas but it can still be a good one, maybe sharing memories and feelings which helps.

Thank you. My youngest is only 10 so I still need to make it a bit Christmassy for him.

We went away for Christmas the first year after my father died. Went to Morocco. It was much better than sitting around thinking about Christmas’ past.

Hi op. My own DM died over 40 years ago and I can still remember the first Christmas without her. I think doing something completely different is a very good idea. I actually went away to a hot country and semi ignored Christmas. Try and think about how you will feel. For some people being in their own or loved ones homed at Christmas is impossible for others not so much. Remember she was your mother so don't be too worried about taking everyone elses feelings into account

We spent every second Christmas at mine with him. Although because he was ill we were due to see him for the second in a row as we knew it would be the last. I think he knew in the November he wouldn't make it to Christmas as he sent presents for all of the grandchildren early and for their birthdays for 2020

Important

The first Christmas after my dad died I’d have given anything to not be home. It was so hard. It was one of those years I just wanted to forget all about Christmas happening and ignore it. That said, if I’d gone away and not felt like that after all it still would have been a better outcome than being home and as miserable as I was.

Thank you. I’d quite like to go overseas. But that would likely exclude DMil. And the thing about my DM was including everyone. Might go abroad right after though. Couldn’t afford to do both.

Didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum two years ago this week. Losing a parent is so hard, and must be awful for your DC too.

Whatever you decide about Xmas will be the right thing I'm sure. But all I will say is that you are only three weeks in and everything will still be so raw so don't put any extra pressure on yourself or make any big decisions.

Sorry for your loss op. you seem to have a very loving, close family. Maybe discuss closer to the time with your dad? It might be comforting to be at home as well.

Its only been 3 weeks. Give yourself time.

Can you ask your dad what he would like? Christmas at yours maybe?

What about your ILs - would they want to go away but miss you if you go without them?

Whatever you do, its worth thinking this is the year for new traditions. What of the old ones will you keep?

Do you have to make a decision now? Three weeks after a big bereavement isn't a good time to be doing anything and you'll feel differently about all sorts of things by December. I do understand the need to book things of course but right now, I'd give myself breathing space. No decisions yet

I'm sorry to read your news - I lost my parents a couple of years ago and it's just horrible. I understand the overwhelming feelings only too well

Do whatever feels best for you. There is no right or wrong

We went away the first Christmas after my dad died. To a country which didn’t celebrate Christmas, so it was a beach holiday. We fought the whole time but ok reflection we just really sad. I’m glad we did though because the empty seat that the table would have been horrible. It’s not like we forgot dad was dead but we were doing different things. By the next year enough time had passed that we were able to make other plans with the pain being so raw.
I always recommend it, it won’t necessarily be a fun holiday but it’ll break the cycle.

YANBU but it’s the second week in August and you are very recently bereaved. Maybe let the dust settle and see how you, and everyone else feels in September or October. You may well feel the same, if so great, but if you feel different, you’ve avoided an expensive and potentially upsetting mistake.

Thank you for helpful responses. My feeling to go away somewhere isn’t so outlandish then. I’m an only child and very close to my parents. Whatever we do will include my DF. And I would not want to exclude DMIL as she would likely be on her own if not with us and she is lovely.

But I feel such sorrow. And don’t know how I’ll do it. My approach to life is to organise things. And I can’t organise my grief away!

I'm so sorry about your mum and hope your dad's coping. I'd spent 55 Christmases at my parents - never missed one year and my dad died in the October. Mum wanted to be at her house for Christmas so we stayed there and we toasted dad in his empty chair and we laughed over a few stories about things he did. It felt like we were celebrating him as well as Xmas. Six years on I miss him every day but I'd have missed him wherever we were. There is always a first time you'll do something without her which will ache a little, no matter how long you put it off.

Book something with free cancellation and then try to completely forget about it until bonfire night. Make a decision then when you've all had some more time.

Sorry for your loss

I think you are right. It’s too early to decide. I was just panicking at the thought we would run out of options neater the time.

I feel the same! Panic about running out of options too. But I think this year people will be really cautious about booking trips. A UK cottage or hotel break might be tough in the festive season but my feeling is abroad will be ok. You can always keep an eye on a couple of trips (use private browsing to avoid pricing cookies!) and I’d they start to get booked up or increase in price you can make your mind up.

I’m crying now at such kind responses. You are right. There has to be a first time. Despite appearances here I’m fairly strong usually.

My children are quite spaced in age; 20, 17 and 10. Their needs are different at Christmas and I need to meet those too.

Oh. Thsnk you for the tip re private browsing.

So sorry for your loss

The first two years after my Mum died we went to stay with relatives for Christmas in another part of the country. So we were surrounded by family and it was busy with their kids so lots of distractions amd not constantly reminded by being at our usual location. It is still very sad but our solution helped us.