AIBU to think we should go away this Christmas; the first after my Mum has died.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

My mum died just over 3 weeks ago.

I am devastated by her loss. Feel beside myself at times. So are my DF and my 3 children. I have spent every Christmas in my 54 years in my parents’ house. My mother-in-law and brother-in-law usually join us. And it was pretty much open house. Over the years lots of other family members have joined in too. My mum was the heart of Christmas.

I feel panicky at the thought of Christmas in the family home without her. I just think we shall all miss her too much there. Part of that panic is wondering how my father and my children (my oldest in particular will cope). The alternatives would be to have it at our house (just a short walk away) or to go to a rental cottage or hotel. My eldest DC is 20 and has briefly spoken about it to me (she raised it). She thinks going away might be best. All my 3 children loved my mother enormously and are reeling from her death.

I shall obviously not do anything without speaking to DF about it. But it seems too soon to do that at the moment. However, I’m aware that things will book up fairly soon.

At present I’m thinking a nice rental property in the same county with room for DF and DMIL. But it’s hard to know how we all will feel in 4 months.

Just for clarity; although we always celebrated Christmas at my parents’ house, for the last few years the food and general preparation has been done by me. So that side of things is not new to me.

Obviously all views are welcome. But especially those who have had experience of the first Christmas after the loss of a parent.

We lost my mum a month before Christmas in 2015 and I didn’t want to do Christmas at all that year, I wanted to put the duvet over my head and howl.

I think you do whatever makes it easiest for all of you. Going away sounds excellent, I wish we’d done that. I really feel for you. 💐

Too soon to decide, and I'm sure there will be options available for a good while yet, especially if you're considering self-catering in this country. Give it some time, then throw in the suggestion, but give plenty of time for your father to mull the idea over, too.

We went to a cottage for Christmas the first year after my FIL died. It was what my MIL wanted to do. TBH it was grim. We were in the middle of nowhere, no wider family and friends around, nothing open, bad weather. So we were stuck in this unfamiliar house with just each other for too long, on top of the grief. Awful for all of us but I wish we hadn’t done that to the children - they need escape routes if the family misery gets too much for them.

My mum died just before Christmas 26 years ago, when I was 23. Our first Christmas at home without her was pretty grim and not one I want to repeat. We did get invites to other family member's houses but we just wanted to spend it together. We spent the next couple away, and then the next at home, once things were less raw. One thing we always did - we toasted absent friends. As years have gone on, that list of people who are no longer here has got bigger, and now I don't have any parents or siblings. Sometimes I go abroad - usually to a country that doesn't make a big deal about Christmas. But I still do my toast, and just have a moment to myself. It helps a lot.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood
Despite appearances here I’m fairly strong usually.

You've just lost your mum, there's no weakness in feeling sad, empty and even a little scared. The bottom just dropped out of your world. x

Thank you all. I’m so touched by your messages. And feel I do have options now.

Sorry for your loss. I lost a parent many years back - the first (miserable) Christmas was an important part of our grieving process as a family

Like others have said, your loss is very new: I'd take a step back and discuss it with your DF in October or so to see what he would prefer. I say that as probably his day to day life has been most impacted, so would focus on how he would like to spend the holiday

Id leave it a couple of months. As your DM was so central to Christmas I think a reinvention of sorts is definitely in order. Why not ask dc and pils and df what they fancy doing? Make a Christmas 2.0 together?

There's nothing weak about grief, it just shows the strength of love you had for your mum. It does get easier, I promise.

I am so sorry for your loss I am going to suggest you start a new tradition of having Christmas at your house. A couple of reasons, one, your Dad might want to have some time alone on Christmas day and this gives him the option of nipping back home for a little bit. And two because it seems the right time to start a new tradition of moving it to your house, passing on the baton, to carry on her role of having an open house, only as long as you are amenable to it.

My Mum died over a decade ago but Christmas was always at my sister's house after my parents downsized so although it felt different without her it there was no her house attachment and besides my Dad is the cook!

My MIL died 7 years ago and she made Christmas at her house very special and my goodness is there a massive void now. My FIL is lovely but it isn't the same, not even close. She went all out, not financially but little touches that made it very special. Both Mums did little things that made Christmas a time where they had thought about things for months.

Give yourself time to make decisions about it. Also talk to your Dad, see what he wants too.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I would also say high time to take up the mantle yourself? When you were a child, did your mum take you off to your grandmas for christmas or did she host herself? It's a great opportunity for you to honour her by carrying on her wonderful christmases for your own children & their children too.

After my dad died we planned to go away but in the end we realised that where ever we went it was going to be hard and going away wouldn’t prevent that. We decided to have it at my mum and dads house how we normally would as we felt closest to him there; we raised a glass to him, told stories about him and at different times had a little cry. It felt very strange without him but for our family it was right to have it where our memories of him were

I hosted Christmas for my mum and my sibling and all the kids the first Christmas after my dad died. Like you, we'd pretty much always done it at my parents house and we all felt we couldn't be there that year.

We had 5 very young children so it was a bitter sweet experience... We felt the loss of dad massively but the children were a welcome distraction and being somewhere that wasn't where we usually celebrated helped.

Sorry for your loss OP

I would see what your DF would like to do nearer the time - as you have recognised, it's far too soon to be making concrete plans because you may feel differently about this issue from one day to the next (which is to be expected IMO) so don't commit to anything irreversible just yet.

I think you're putting way too much pressure on yourself worrying and thinking you have to decide this now. Give yourself a bit of time and be gentle with yourself.

In answer to the question about when I was young; we lived with my grandmother and had Christmas in the family home. My grandmother and mother cooked Christmas dinner. Assisted by other family members. Then by me as I grew up. I am fine with assuming the mantle. That’s a nice image and I have effectively done that for some years now. It’s the absence of my mother that I am panicking about. Whether it would be easier to bear in our familiar place or somewhere different.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. My mum died nearly 14 years ago. I agree with others in that there are no right or wrong answers. If you decide to go away, that’s something to look forward to for you and your children. If you choose to stay home, you will make it just right in her memory.
I don’t think it’s too soon to book something that you can all hang onto and look forward to. It might be the one thing that you can all hold onto for a while.
But like I said, there are no right and wrong answers, your mum would totally understand either way. Sending love. It will get easier over time, but there are sorrows you never ever get over.

You are all right. I Should not rush to a decision. Thank you.

Sorry for your loss. It is such an awful pain to suffer.

My mum died in September 2020, we were back in lockdown by December 2020.

My mum "was" Christmas and I honoured her by doing the best I could in crappy circumstances but we were also self isolating as DC2 was a close contact on 17th December.

I won't lie it was shit but I think the first year would have been shit where ever I was and whoever I was with.

My dad went to my sisters as they were in a bubble so no-one was alone.

We plan to have a big fuck off Christmas this year to make up for last year.

By all means make plans and approach you dad about it but know it's such early days and you may well feel differently in the coming weeks and months. Make sure you book somewhere with a decent refund and Covid policy.

Wherever you will be, it will be sad without your DM. I lost my dad just before Christmas a few years ago. We still had Christmas at home with my inlaws, who were understanding. We ended up doing the same as we usually did, but I had to leave the room when Strictly came on as it was my Dad’s favourite show.

We’ve now lost all parents and inlaws and although it’s never the same, I would prefer to stay at home and remember them.

Yep completely agree with PPs. Book something on eg booking.com with free cancellation and then park the whole thing for a couple of months and see how you all feel.

Sorry for your loss. Whether it is in a cottage or in your or another relative's house, YANBU to wish for Christmas to be somewhere different. Hope whatever (and whenever) you decide, you have as happy a Christmas as possible.

So sorry for your loss. Christmas and other big holidays are hard when you are grieving.

I lost both my parents in one week. The following year we went away somewhere warm for that week and it helped me not dwell on the loss.

We only went away over Christmas a couple of years later, on a Caribbean cruise with kids and grandkids. The relaxation, the beautifully decorated ship, the delicious Christmas dinner, and all the activities really helped me move forward.

We just had such a great time, finding a taxi van that would take us all to a snorkel place etc., sitting and colouring with granddaughter sipping a tea mixture we had picked together, and just generally enjoying each other. I knew my Mum and Dad were there with us.

Everyone grieves differently. But I found the trips helped.

So sorry for your loss OP. I wanted to add a slightly different perspective and say it won't necessarily be unbearable. I never feel closer to my dad than at Christmas enjoying traditions he loved, joking about the ones he loved, but we could never see the point of and then actually seeing the point of them. Same with MIL - now sadly gone, but with whom we spent many wonderful Christmases when the children were small.The memory of these happy times gives me such a warm feeling - so I listen to the Messiah or pour a sherry or even, as last year (due to Covid reduced numbers) roast a turkey crown instead of a whole bird - something my dad always said we should do for ease of carving though we always loudly shouted him down. The people who are gone live on in the traditions which I pass on to my own children - there is a sweet sadness in the memory of the loss of my dad and my MIL which can move me to tears, but I would not wish those memories away because they are still at the heart of Christmas for all of us. My DH carves and serves the wine (which was always my dad's role) and we have all stepped up a generation - much as you had already started to do anyway in taking over from your mum. I would perhaps think of moving Christmas to your own home if you feel you can accommodate everyone, traditions will adapt, but your mum's memory will still be there with all which is surely as she would have wanted it.

Sorry for your loss.

When my mum and then my FiL died in quick succession we decided to go away having spent many festive holidays all together at my house. We went to a country hotel with my MiL, our DC and our dog for several days and the change of scenery and routine was just what we needed. It was sad but we had so many distractions. There were wall to wall activities if we wanted; excellent meals, a trip to the panto, local organised walks, a casino night and a murder mystery dinner. It didn’t take away the pain or our losses but it helped to have other people around and so many diversions. It was lovely and many years later we all talk about it. And it snowed so it was magical.