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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to go on this holiday?

39 replies

TomAllenWife · 11/08/2021 11:52

Been with DP 3.5 years
We have just got engaged and just bought a house.

I have a very good relationship with his son (17) but he hasn't seen much of his daughter (13) and she is quite 'difficult' for want of a better word

He's just said he's going to try and take them away for a week.
I don't have my dcs for next two weeks

AIBU to expect him to ask me to join them even if it's for a few days?

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 11/08/2021 11:53

YABU

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/08/2021 11:54

Yes, his children deserve time with just their parent without a gf/bf tagging along.

Hopdathelf · 11/08/2021 11:55

Why shouldn’t he spend one on one time with his children? Especially since your attitude towards your SD shines through.

Lockheart · 11/08/2021 11:55

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Yes, his children deserve time with just their parent without a gf/bf tagging along.
A fiancée isn't a "gf".
YesDisney · 11/08/2021 11:56

Yes YABU to expect him to ask. Sounds like he wants to spend some time with his kids. If he wanted you to go, he probably would have asked.

Ponoka7 · 11/08/2021 11:59

Now's the time to repair his relationship with his daughter. They need one on one time to do this. You shouldn't be included. Well done to your DP, normally they cave and put their children second.

480Widdio · 11/08/2021 12:00

YABU.

Original poster
TomAllenWife · 11/08/2021 12:02

I don't have any ill feelings towards his daughter, he describes her as that.
And she is a teenage girl, I've been there and my dd was a bloody nightmare

I just think I wouldn't dream of taking my dcs away without asking DP, because we are a family now
We do weekends away with our kids separately but a week away just seems odd
I wouldn't do it so maybe that skews my view

OP posts:
Tiana4 · 11/08/2021 12:04

Yanbu hoping he'll ask you to come too.
Hinbu if he wants just him and his DCs together

You're going to be their stepmum so one would hope you'd all have a better time all of you together but perhaps for his DCs sometimes it's nice to just have your dad to yourself. The holiday will be far more about the children that way as holidays inevitably need compromise about days otherwise

As his son is 17 this may be the last time they all go away together, before DS is 18 & may want to start doing his own thing

Sirzy · 11/08/2021 12:07

He is trying to build a relationship with his children, especially his daughter who he has a tough relationship with.

Sometimes 1-1 time is what is needed not big family holidays especially when it’s a blended family.

Original poster
TomAllenWife · 11/08/2021 12:08

@Tiana4 what a lovely balanced post thank you for making such good points Smile

OP posts:
beigebrownblue · 11/08/2021 12:13

I can understand you may be feeling a little left out, but I would try to reframe the trip in your end and enjoy the time not having to deal with a teenager!

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 11/08/2021 12:15

I agree YANBU to want to go but they are not being unreasonable if they don't want you to go

Enjoy the time to yourself OP

RevolvingPivot · 11/08/2021 12:15

I wish my mum would have taken us away without her ex and his kids.

alltheemptyfields · 11/08/2021 12:33

YABU

Enjoy a week of peace and quiet, but it's quite normal to take kids without the new partner tagging along. EVERY outing and weekends, it would be weird.

A week a year? normal.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 11/08/2021 12:38

@Tiana4

Yanbu hoping he'll ask you to come too. Hinbu if he wants just him and his DCs together

You're going to be their stepmum so one would hope you'd all have a better time all of you together but perhaps for his DCs sometimes it's nice to just have your dad to yourself. The holiday will be far more about the children that way as holidays inevitably need compromise about days otherwise

As his son is 17 this may be the last time they all go away together, before DS is 18 & may want to start doing his own thing

Completely agree with this. Plus, his DD is clearly having a bit of a tough time - time with her dad is more important and it's probably better that you are not tagging along.

Sadly, my mum prioritised the needs of her new partner when I was a teen and I hated it. I didn't have the opportunity to spend quality time with just her. It meant I found her even more unapproachable.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/08/2021 12:38

YABU. Normal to want time for just him and the dc.

lanthanum · 11/08/2021 12:41

It sounds like his relationship with the daughter may need some work, and that's going to be easier if it's just the three of them. If you've bought a house together, they can only do that on holiday. Hopefully putting her first for the holiday will help get their relationship on a surer footing, making it easier for her to begin to develop a positive relationship with you in the future.

Original poster
TomAllenWife · 11/08/2021 12:49

I am hoping she will live with us when the house is ready.
His son is already living with him

I guess I'll just enjoy the peace but I am still a little gutted

OP posts:
Tiana4 · 11/08/2021 20:34

I think in this situation it's normal to feel a little bit gutted that you'll be missing out on seeing all the fun and the adventure with the DSC. But meh, there's usually a bit of DC whinging on holiday. Much as I love my DC it's never much of a rest for me.

Maybe Take this as a chance to have a week of R&R at home for yourself - treat yourself to days and evenings out. Have a girlie night of friends round. No one to clean up after or hog the TV. No one to cook constantly for unless you want to do a dinner party. Go drink wine and hang out with friends !! Grin Go swimming, cycling, sight seeing in local cities and cafes with a book, anything that you don't usually get to enjoy because you are too busy looking after everyone else!

SunUmbrella · 12/08/2021 01:35

"A fiancée isn't a "gf".

I know you're familiar with law @Lockheart so you know that yes, it is exactly the same.

PrincessNutella · 12/08/2021 03:48

Where are they going on holiday, anyway? If it's in the UK, than it is completely unreasonable, from what I've been reading on Mumsnet, as all British vacations are apparently 100 percent "shite."

Standrewsschool · 12/08/2021 04:06

I can understand where you are coming from. You are now his fiancé, so (almost) officially part of the family, but you are being excluded from the family holiday.

Have they always gone on holiday just the three of them? If so, maybe this is a way of showing to the dc that they are also still important to him, or it’s continuing this tradition.

PurpleOkapi · 12/08/2021 04:22

He's trying to rebuild a relationship with a 13-year-old whose "difficult-ness" probably has its roots in his split from her mother. How would the presence of a new fiancee who doesn't like this child possibly help him do that?

whatsthpoint · 12/08/2021 05:38

@Tiana4

Yanbu hoping he'll ask you to come too. Hinbu if he wants just him and his DCs together

You're going to be their stepmum so one would hope you'd all have a better time all of you together but perhaps for his DCs sometimes it's nice to just have your dad to yourself. The holiday will be far more about the children that way as holidays inevitably need compromise about days otherwise

As his son is 17 this may be the last time they all go away together, before DS is 18 & may want to start doing his own thing

I think it's really unreasonable to expect children in this situation to 'have a better time with you all there'. You might want them to think you're a family now, but they need to come to that themselves, they aren't babies and it's not like it's been 10yrs.