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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to go on this holiday?

39 replies

TomAllenWife · 11/08/2021 11:52

Been with DP 3.5 years
We have just got engaged and just bought a house.

I have a very good relationship with his son (17) but he hasn't seen much of his daughter (13) and she is quite 'difficult' for want of a better word

He's just said he's going to try and take them away for a week.
I don't have my dcs for next two weeks

AIBU to expect him to ask me to join them even if it's for a few days?

OP posts:

nancydroo · 12/08/2021 06:02

It's possible he spoke to the children and asked if you could come along and they said no. He would have to respect that but I understand it's not so nice for you seeing as you are going to be married.

Undertheoldlindentree · 12/08/2021 06:07

YABU. His children deserve uninterrupted time with their father.

BritWifeInUSA · 12/08/2021 06:18

YABU to step in the way of him and his children. They are his children and if he wants to take them away for a holiday he should. That might not be how you parent your own children, but leave him to parent his as he sees fit.

girlmom21 · 12/08/2021 06:41

YABU. He'd invite you if his children wanted you there but they probably want some quality time with him, especially if you don't have a strong bond with them.

youshallnotpass9 · 12/08/2021 06:51

I agree and while myself and my DSS get along massively sometimes he just wants time with his Dad, this normally means without his little brother as well, which is fine, his little brother gets his dad all the time, DSS sees him, well now its when DSS is available and his Dad has to book a time

flightofthewilderbeast · 12/08/2021 06:52

I think this is a fantastic thing for him to do. It shows his children that time with just them is important and valued by him and that he really wants to spend quality time with just them. It is great for their relationship and for the kids sense of worth.

I say this as someone whose partner of 3 years is currently away with just his kids and as someone whose own kids are a bit upset because their dad (my ex) is taking them on holiday with his partner of 2 years. They like her and get on with her, just want some time with just their dad.

FirmlyRooted · 12/08/2021 06:59

YABU

WaterBottle123 · 12/08/2021 07:34

YABU. he sounds like a good dad. Well done on finding a man that actually parents his own kids. Enjoy the time to yourself, it willl be glorious!

babytum · 12/08/2021 08:13

I think it boils down to communication and expectations. If he had said to you, I want to take my 2 away for a week on my own for xxx reasons and you were part of the conversation and understood the reasoning you’d probably feel less excluded.
As part of a team and a family these things ideally should be discussed otherwise it feels like you’re sidelined and left feeling like an extra to his family unit rather than part of the entire family. I can understand how you feel.
It’s these type of scenarios that need to be ironed out before marriage. Understanding each other’s point of view but being aware how a decision can make the other feel excluded or included is so important.
Neither of you are wrong but communication is the key element.

Original poster

TomAllenWife · 12/08/2021 08:26

@babytum you're right.
I think I will talk to him and just communicate how I feel.
We have always holidayed separately with our dcs, but he has come on a couple of weekends away.
Honestly we prefer to holiday together without the dcs

There's a lot of random stuff in this thread, please don't make things up that simply aren't true

OP posts:

Noshowwithoutpunch · 12/08/2021 08:36

I think this little holiday is a way for your dp to show his children ( esp DD) that despite all the changes in his life ( engagement, new house etc) his relationship with them will never change.
As a 13year old I'd feel especially awkward holidaying with my Dad's partner if I didn't really know her well.
He's showing the children that they are important to him.
Unfortunately you would completely change the dynamic.

vivainsomnia · 12/08/2021 08:50

You can be a family and still know that going on holiday with just your kids is the right thing to do. I have been with OH for over 15 years, married 10 and I continued to go away just me and my kids all that time. I still do. My OH has no issue with that. He too goes on one holiday with his friends almost every year. We also go away the two of us and did family holidays.

My kids greatly valued that time just with me, and so did I. I was a bit different without my OH, and it was nice for me too to give them all my attention.

Original poster

TomAllenWife · 12/08/2021 10:12

Thank you for all the nice normal posts

You're absolutely right, it will be lovely for them to have some time, and a peaceful week for me 😊
I already have plans for Friday & sat

OP posts:

Dangermouse5 · 14/08/2021 11:19

whatsthpoint

You misread the comment you quoted from Tiana4, they were making same point as you but more gently to OP! You need to re read

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