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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

HELP- how to apologise

43 replies

aworldofourown · 11/08/2021 09:27

Can someone help me draft out an apology mssg, it's mssg for sister in law. We've both had a difficult relationship with one another, we're very similar, I think that's why we've always clashed. Even though we do talk to each other, it's only in family setting and is just very awkward. Ive been very nice to her but I've been told she perhaps doesn't think am being sincere which is why she's remained awkward with me. Even when I would WhatsApp her, it would take days for her to reply, so it was something I slowly stopped doing, as her responses seemed very much like she didn't want to have to talk to me. Now with a baby along the way, I wanted to clear the air and start fresh so I can just have a normal relationship with her and baby, without there being the awkwardness. She is my db wife.
Db has also asked I mssg her to clear the air so we can all have a relationship. I have made it clear to him that I have made a effort with her to which he has witnessed himself so it's not just me.
But anyways I can't be bothered with all the drama so I'd rather just apologise, am struggling wording what to say, if anyone can be of help I would very much appreciate it.

OP posts:

Alonelonelyloner · 11/08/2021 09:31

It is not clear to me here that you have anything to apologise for!

What is your DB expecting you to apologise for, not seeming sincere?
But you have been sincere. So you need to now be insincere a try to seem different?

It seems exhausting. I wouldn't bother, but if you absolutely must, I would approach it just as a 'hope you are doing well. Fancy a coffee some time?' and take it from there.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2021 09:37

It is not clear to me here that you have anything to apologise for!

Me neither.

It’s not up to him to dictate your relationship with her. He happens to have a sister, that doesn’t mean you have to like her, make an effort with her or be friends with her. She sounds awkward and reluctant to make any effort with you.

Honestly OP, hoping things will improve because you’re pregnant is very naive. It’s often a point when things get worse even when in laws got on okay to start with it.

Don’t engage with this unreasonable request.

Fernando072020 · 11/08/2021 09:40

I wouldn't apologise as it doesn't seem there is anything to apologise for. If YOU want to approach her (don't do it just for your DB) I would just offer to meet up for coffee or lunch and maybe just have an open chat then and there?

nancydroo · 11/08/2021 09:40

I think it's nice what you are thinking of doing. Like you want to bring it all out in the open so as to start afresh. I worry that it will just make it more awkward and push her into a position to respond when ultimately she's chosen not to respond to you through normal WhatsApp messages.
Distance is probably best and just be pleasant when you do meet up for family occasions and try to accept that's where your relationship is at.
I think you could get hurt and ultimately quite offended as her response to your message may not be acceptable to you or have the desired impact.
Nice of you to think about it though.

Generalpost · 11/08/2021 09:44

Is there another way you could both get closer without an apology as it does not sound like you have done anything wrong. Could you arrange to meet for coffee . ? Does she have any children? Could you ask for baby tips ? Just the 2 of you have a couple of social meet ups?

It does sound like it's more to do with her than you though if it's taken her 3 days to reply to a what's app. But as yiu say not worth the drama

Notaroadrunner · 11/08/2021 09:52

What in earth are you apologising for? Have you done something specific to hurt her feelings? If she has a perception of you not liking her without actual reason, then that's her problem. You don't have to like someone simply because they are an inlaw. By all means send a text - "I would really like if we could both make an effort to overcome any previous misconceptions we may have had of one another and try to get along for both our sakes and of course for the sake of Db". But don't apologise for anything. And only do it if you want to - not because he's telling you to.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 11/08/2021 09:53

Don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for.

Just message and invite her out for coffee.

Chikapu · 11/08/2021 09:56

I would ask your brother what it is he specifically wants you apologise for. You've done nothing wrong.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/08/2021 09:59

She doesnt want to be friends from what you've said. Unless there is a back story, it sounds very odd that she has made assumptions about you, ignored a lot of messages and yet your brother wants you to apologise! No wonder you are struggling. It's very tempting to write something like 'I'm sorry you're making this so awkward'.

I dont think your relationship with her is going to change to be honest, she has decided that she doesnt like you and that's not something you have much control over. And she is blaming you because she doesnt want your brother to see her as the bad guy.

What specifically does your brother want you to apologise for? I'd ask him

If you want to make one last gesture then I'd just text her and say youd like to improve your relationship, what does she think as you dont want to force it if shed rather not. And that if shes up for it youd like to meet for coffee or a walk or something (sometimes easier to chat on a walk as less intense) to get to know her a bit better

palindromeam · 11/08/2021 09:59

I wonder if expressing regret that the relationship hasn't been great is what you mean rather than apologising per say is what would be helpful.

I think I would be tempted to say just that.

Dear sil. I know our relationships as been tricky over the years. I'd really like it to be better especially with the baby on the way. Can we have a coffee soon? I'd love to hear your plans and understand how I can be supportive.

Holly60 · 11/08/2021 10:09

I think you also need to make it clear you aren’t just being nice to get access to the baby.

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2021 10:11

Even though we do talk to each other, it's only in family setting and is just very awkward. Ive been very nice to her but I've been told she perhaps doesn't think am being sincere which is why she's remained awkward with me.

She already thinks you're false.

Trying to clear the air and start afresh right now, will make it obvious that it's all about the baby for you and not all about really wanting a relationship with your SIL.

I'd be inclined to leave it and see what happens after the baby is born.

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2021 10:12

@Holly60

I think you also need to make it clear you aren’t just being nice to get access to the baby.

Yes but she is really, isn't she?

For the most part anyway.

OaxacaChihuahua · 11/08/2021 10:16

You don’t have anything to apologise for, so you can’t make a sincere apology. You may never be people who truly connect and get on. That’s ok. It’s fine just to be polite when you see one another.

minionsrule · 11/08/2021 12:45

As others have said it seems like you don't need to apologise at all but you would like to build bridges.
If this is the case I don't think messaging her will achieve this at all it needs to be F2F and a conversation not an apology.
Out of interest has your DB approached his wife to say the same to her? If not just wondering why you have to do all the running in this relationship?

Crunchymum · 11/08/2021 12:58

No harm in sending a message, then the ball is in her court.

Do not apologise though, just wish her well with the baby and look forward to getting to know your niece or nephew (I am not 100% sure who is pregnant - her or you?) tell her you are always available for a coffee / catch up.

Then you've done your bit and its up to her.

Original poster

aworldofourown · 11/08/2021 14:28

Db wants me to mssg her, so am not sure if she's told him that herself. He mssgd me today reminding me not to forget to mssg sil with smiley emoji..
I wrote this post this morning as I was trying to draft a mssg and I couldn't! I don't know what am apologising for, for her disliking me?
He wants us to be 'normal', so he can spend time with us along with her when baby is here.
Am thinking she's said to him that she wants me to clear the air with her so it's not awkward to be in my presence. It's confusing because she is the one that avoids me at all cost, I haven't seen her for a year because she has ensured she isn't around when I am. Yet am the one who is supposed to clear the air, despite the fact that my brother has seen how much effort I put in to trying in the past.

OP posts:

cultkid · 11/08/2021 14:33

I would suggest family meal on a whatsapp group and say that you've been reading a book about personalities and realised that you are so sensitive and emotional that to others it can come across as fake (I also relate to this as it happens to me a lot but I honestly care)
And then say sorry if you had made her uncomfortable and where is her fave place to eat and you will book it xx

Hankunamatata · 11/08/2021 14:38

@aworldofourown

Db wants me to mssg her, so am not sure if she's told him that herself. He mssgd me today reminding me not to forget to mssg sil with smiley emoji.. I wrote this post this morning as I was trying to draft a mssg and I couldn't! I don't know what am apologising for, for her disliking me? He wants us to be 'normal', so he can spend time with us along with her when baby is here. Am thinking she's said to him that she wants me to clear the air with her so it's not awkward to be in my presence. It's confusing because she is the one that avoids me at all cost, I haven't seen her for a year because she has ensured she isn't around when I am. Yet am the one who is supposed to clear the air, despite the fact that my brother has seen how much effort I put in to trying in the past.

You need to message this to dbro.

FrenchBoule · 11/08/2021 14:40

You are not obliged to get on with everybody and your brother has no right to dictate the relationship with his wife.

You’re not their subordinate.

Send a general message “ how’s things, fancy a meet up for coffee/lunch” and leave it at this.The ball is in her court

DO NOT apologise as you have nothing to apologise for. Don’t be a doormat.
If your SIL doesn’t want a relationship with you no amount of perseverance from anybody will change it.

Chloemol · 11/08/2021 14:41

Don’t apologise. Just message her a chatty message, hi how are you doing, great news about the baby, etc etc

Then she can respond as she wishes to

FrenchBoule · 11/08/2021 14:42

And if he wants to be around as an uncle it’s nothing to do with his wife.
You’re not responsible for her awkwardness and the onus is not on you to sort it.

FrenchBoule · 11/08/2021 14:43

Sorry for louse reading thought you were having the baby not SIL

PantsandBoots · 11/08/2021 14:48

Maybe something along the lines of:
Hi SIL, hope you are well. You both must be very excited about the baby. Would be great to spend time together before nephew/niece arrives - any ideas? Let me know if I can do anything to help!

Dizzy1234 · 11/08/2021 14:50

It sounds like she doesn't like you but is making it out to your db that you're the one with the problem. That way she doesn't have to spend time with you and it's all your fault.
No way in hell would I apologise for something I haven't done but I would reach out for a coffee and try to clear the air just for the sake of the family.
I'd say something like "we may have got off on the wrong foot, maybe misunderstood each other, I don't feel it's anything we can't get past, we could start over if you'd like"
Then I'd be wary going forward and wouldn't 100% trust her again.
"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

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