HELP- how to apologise

[aworldofourown]

Can someone help me draft out an apology mssg, it's mssg for sister in law. We've both had a difficult relationship with one another, we're very similar, I think that's why we've always clashed. Even though we do talk to each other, it's only in family setting and is just very awkward. Ive been very nice to her but I've been told she perhaps doesn't think am being sincere which is why she's remained awkward with me. Even when I would WhatsApp her, it would take days for her to reply, so it was something I slowly stopped doing, as her responses seemed very much like she didn't want to have to talk to me. Now with a baby along the way, I wanted to clear the air and start fresh so I can just have a normal relationship with her and baby, without there being the awkwardness. She is my db wife.
Db has also asked I mssg her to clear the air so we can all have a relationship. I have made it clear to him that I have made a effort with her to which he has witnessed himself so it's not just me.
But anyways I can't be bothered with all the drama so I'd rather just apologise, am struggling wording what to say, if anyone can be of help I would very much appreciate it.

I think an olive branch rather than an apology.
Texts can be so mis interpreted. People can read them out in a friendly voice or a mean voice and they sound very different.
Forget all the formal "clearing the air" nonsense. It will just get everyone's backs up and why admit to something you say you haven't done?
Why not pop round with a bunch of congratulatory flowers and say how glad you are for them both. Or invite them for a meal to celebrate the happy news.
Your DB has some very high expectations of your relationship with SIL. It would irk me to be called insincere. If you genuinely have not tried to upset her, there's nothing to apologise for. But you could instead say some positive things to her when you see her. However perhaps she's someone you just can't please.
I'd settle for a polite, friendly relationship, glossing over any perceived slights in the first few meetings and just generally being cheery and positive. You don't have to be best mates just because your DB says so. I think he's the one making it awkward and she should communicate more directly with you herself.

I wouldn't be apologizing at all. Why give her the satisfaction that you are desperate to win her over and she always knows that? You can't make a person like you. Why is everyone fawning over her and trying to please her. Leave her to suit herself.

I think it is pretty unfair of your brother actually, insinuating that you need to fix this! It is clear she has made very little effort to make things better from your updates. The onus is not on you to wave some magic and create family harmony. It might be best if you were not all aiming for a perfect family set up but simply to get on and be civilised is more than good enough in this situation.

If you really want to cleat the air, for yourself only (and not for db)

I would send a message along these lines.

'We haven't always had a close relationship, but I wanted you to know that I am so happy you are having your first baby, and if there is anything I can do to help I hope you know I am here. Get in touch if you would like to meet for a coffee'

That way you are not apologising or grovelling but leaving the door open. The onus firmly being on her to also meet half way. If she does not take the opportunity, you have your answer (and so does your brother)

Don't apologise unless there's something specific to apologise for.

The problem is that she already thinks your contact is insincere (rightly or wrongly) so an out-of-the-blue big Clearing The Air message won't go down any better.

It's fine if you two don't get along. You don't need to be mates just because you're in-laws. You just need to be civil and stay away from drama, and it sounds like you both are. Don't let your brother pressure you into this if you don't actually want a closer relationship!

If you do want to start afresh with her I would start with a message that focuses on her, not your feelings about the relationship. Something along the lines of: congratulations, how are you feeling. And offer to do something nice and concrete for her while she's pregnant. Bake her a cake, take her a hamper, take her for a lunch out. Whatever you're good at giving and whatever she'd like to receive.

Having a good relationship with her will be about actions not words.

It doesn't sound like you have anything to apologise for. Why is your brother asking you to do this? Has he asked his wife to do the same?

I think if you've always been pleasant then it's pointless apologising because your SIL doesn't want a closer relationship. Your brother can't change this.

Hi DSIL, how are you? You must be so excited about the new baby! Fancy a catch up sometime soon? Would be great to see you. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help out x

If she wasn’t pregnant, would you be ‘apologising’? It’s going to sound even more insincere when you’re apologising for being insincere, especially as you all know this is not about you and her but about a new baby. It’s all so fake and believe me, it does not work.

Your db sounds odd and I think any message you send will also sound odd. She doesn't have to like you as long as you can get along well enough on the few times you meet up. If you want more, you could invite her to meet up for a coffee or lunch but don't force it if it's not natural.

@cultkid

I would suggest family meal on a whatsapp group and say that you've been reading a book about personalities and realised that you are so sensitive and emotional that to others it can come across as fake (I also relate to this as it happens to me a lot but I honestly care) And then say sorry if you had made her uncomfortable and where is her fave place to eat and you will book it xx

That's a horrible message to send, why should she make stuff up about herself to make the SIL feel better?

Maybe not an apology but something around not being as close as you'd like to be and now with a new baby it's the perfect time to improve your relationship etc...and suggest dinner the two of you?

Why not just congratulate her on the baby news and ask to meet up for lunch?

It makes me wonder what she’s told your brother if he expects you to apologise. Don’t apologise for something you haven’t done.

Just because he chose her it doesn't mean you have to do all the running in making it work in terms of a relationship with her. I wince any time a family member says "you both mean a lot to me and I know you're gonna be the best of friends" 😬

If she questions your sincerity, then apologising when you have nothing to apologise for does seem insincere to me?

I agree with idea of maybe casually suggesting meeting up and see how it goes, but really you should say to DB that, no matter what one is like, there are always going to be people that don't like you, and maybe that's the case with SIL. You are never going to be friends, but neither are you out to cause a catfight or drama, you're just doing the best you can and that's all he can expect. I wonder if he's been a bit turned by this rather misogynistic idea that women who don't get along will be all fights and unpleasantness, rather than accepting that women can manage not getting on with dignity.

Don't apologise, that would be weird. What about just a message about being excited about the baby & asking if there is any baby prep or shopping that you can be involved with & coincide with a coffee or meal with her & DB or something like that?

Erm, ' Wow, so excited for you both re your baby news. You and DB will make fantastic parents. Sorry haven't texted for a while - always feel texting is a bit of an awkward way to communicate sometimes but would love to see you both for a catch up. Love, aworldofourown. X'

And you fire and forget. Once you've texted the message you've done your bit!

Any apology that isn't sincere won't help heal things. It sounds like you don't genuinely believe you've done anything wrong, let alone feel sorry for it.