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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to see PILs because of DP's childhood

39 replies

Alonelonelyloner · 11/08/2021 07:57

To put it into a nutshell;

DPs father, a generally obnoxious man anyway, was very abusive both physically and emotionally to him throughout his childhood (he makes snide comments now too and can't EVER be wrong). I am learning this little by little. DPs mother obviously stood idly by, but acknowledges that her husband is and was awful. Now that I am seeing the full extent of it, I just don't want to see them. They drive me mad. All I can see when I see them is the young boy my DP was being verbally abused and beaten.

DP thinks it is his duty to see them regularly, which I have to respect. I don't want to, but he wants me too (when really I just want to tell them to go to hell).

YABU - see them, smile and support your DP
YANBU - draw a line in the sand and leave him to deal with it.

OP posts:
Ellmau · 11/08/2021 07:59

If he's going I think it would be kinder to go too to support your DH.

But perhaps encourage him to see them less?

Ughmaybenot · 11/08/2021 08:03

I don’t know. This is a really hard one. On the one hand, yes I think you should support your husband in what is potentially an upsetting situation for him but on the other, that doesn’t mean you should have to also be put in a situation that is unpleasant and upsets you too.
Ideally he’d take a step back but that can feel so hard in this sort of dynamic.

TidyDancer · 11/08/2021 08:07

I don't want to say YABU because your perspective on this is totally understandable. But I think you need to support your DH on this. It may be that he comes to his own conclusion in time that contact with them is detrimental but for the time being I think you just need to respect his way of dealing with things.

AnonymousCheerleader · 11/08/2021 08:07

I completely understand why you don't want to, but it's not your childhood / trauma. You should respect your husband's wishes and support his decision.

ForeverInADay · 11/08/2021 08:10

It didn't happen to you and whilst it's totally reasonable to deplore them, you need to be there to support your husband.

It's very likely that he doesn't feel he can pull away from them and even still needs (in his subconscious) their approval / involvement. Just go and be there for him. It's not about you.

Montauklighthouse · 11/08/2021 08:11

Going to disagree with pp’s as I’ve had to put up with toxic IL’s for over 15 years and it’s caused no end of drama and stress. I now don’t attend any of his family visits because it’s blatant toxicity than started to affect our children. You don’t have to take part and stand by and watch the abuse to be supportive to your husband.

Beamur · 11/08/2021 08:14

I would be encouraging your DH to reduce contact. Plus I wouldn't come every time either.
What happens if/when you have children? Will you let them have access knowing he is a bully and your MIL turns a blind eye?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/08/2021 08:16

Difficult as I can see both sides. If he's still seeing them (for whatever reasons) then I think you need to support him and go too.

Or suggest he has some counselling etc to help him deal with it.

My DP's mother was obnoxious to him growing up, and in complete denial about it, but he still wants her to be part of his life (our lives) so I go along with it. I also spent many years struggling with my mother but wouldn't expect him to ignore her when I chose to include her in things. As I still want her to be part of my life.

Bloody families, eh?

Wjevtvha · 11/08/2021 08:16

I get this; I had a boyfriend whose father had caused him huge amount of issues which I was dealing with the fall out from but I felt I had to support my then boyfriend rather than make it about me. However as a PP said when you have children it then changes as it’s not just about you and your DH then.

HelloDulling · 11/08/2021 08:18

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. If he sees them weekly/monthly, go every other time.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 11/08/2021 08:18

Not only would I not go but I'd not allow any future children to go either. I don't believe you should ever have to see people that you don't want to (in a personal context).
I think you need to encourage your dp to see them less and to get help for his childhood experiences. He is still a victim of their behaviour so can't clearly see a way out. But you can. So try to help him out of it. Giving in and doing what he asks is just making you complicit in burying the truth. I wouldn't do it, even though he thinks that's what he wants. And I definitely wouldn't be setting up my children for contact with these people.

Original poster
Alonelonelyloner · 11/08/2021 08:23

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I have told him many times that he should see them less. That it isn't obligatory. But he insists, so I don't say it anymore. It is clearly important to him to be dutiful.
And as PPs have so rightly said, it is not my trauma, just the trauma of someone I love. It makes me murderous in a way.

But yes, maybe should just be by his side. I am just sick of smiling and saying yes to all the shit his father says, when I wouldn't take nay of that from my own parents. Ever. And my parents have done some truly awful things. I went NC with them for 5 years.
I am just not sure of what is best and don't want to hurt DP.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 11/08/2021 08:25

This is not your history, not your trauma. I think you should respect your husbands decisions. I was your husband and I would not appreciate my husband deciding for me how or if I should a have a relationship with my parents or indeed him deciding to check out.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 11/08/2021 08:27

OP has a right to choose her own relationships though. If everyone panders to fil, where does that stop? Will she be expected to expose any future children to his abusive behaviour? The dp probably can't see the wood for the trees because he's immersed in this. But OP isn't.

katemuff · 11/08/2021 08:33

I had this. I used to softy stand up to them, again and again and again. Then fil pushed me over when I was pregnant and I told them straight that it was unacceptable and I was leaving. They denied it happened despite everyone seeing him push me. I said 'I know what happened' and held my line. We left. I've never seen them again simply saying 'he pushed me over and lied about it, I'm not subjecting my dc to that'
Dh has seen them 3times in 18 years. Hold your line.

Cocolapew · 11/08/2021 08:33

Why should you go and sit with people who are/were abusive and obnoxious? You and DH are adults, he chooses to still see them for whatever reason, but you don't need to be in their company. I would try to get DH to reduce his contact with them.
My DH has an obnoxious Dad, it eventually came out that he beat DH as a chilld, I refused to have anything to do with him after that and we have been NC for years with both parents.

Oblomov21 · 11/08/2021 08:40

You can only support him. It's his trauma.

Original poster
Alonelonelyloner · 11/08/2021 08:43

I had this. I used to softy stand up to them, again and again and again. Then fil pushed me over when I was pregnant and I told them straight that it was unacceptable and I was leaving. They denied it happened despite everyone seeing him push me. I said 'I know what happened' and held my line. We left. I've never seen them again simply saying 'he pushed me over and lied about it, I'm not subjecting my dc to that'
Dh has seen them 3times in 18 years. Hold your line.

This brings me to another point actually. Both DP and I know that he will at some point say something really shit to me (nothing physical), tell me I'm an idiot/fat/a shit person etc etc. I told DP that he will do this and it will be him testing whether DP puts him first or in some way defends me. DP agreed, but said nothing more. I do not feel he will stand up to his bully of a father and he will not defend me. That hurts.

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 11/08/2021 08:48

If he has been abused by these people his whole life then he is going to struggle to get away from the control they have over him. Are they wealthy? Any chance they’re dangling an inheritance in front of him?

Personally I’d opt out of it. There’s no way in hell I’d sit there and be polite to people who’d made my loved one’s life a living hell.

Candydreamer · 11/08/2021 08:50

I wouldn't entertain them at all. the more people that stand up to people like this the better, otherwise they continue to get away with it and carry on doing it.

aiwblam · 11/08/2021 08:54

Try not to see it as hurtful that he might not defend you if fil starts saying nasty stuff to you. Your h has been conditioned to do as they say and he was their victim for (presumably) 18 years. It doesn’t mean he loves you less, he’s just traumatised.

I’d encourage him to go very low contact instead of no contact. No drama with low contact.

Also if your fil does say something nasty to you, it would present a good opportunity/reason to stop some of the frequent visits.

Your h also need to address why he is duty bound to see abusers. As he obviously isn’t.

katemuff · 11/08/2021 08:55

He can't stand up to them. You can show him you can and that your DC will not ever experience this. By protecting them you reframe what a parent is and show DH what a parent it.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 11/08/2021 08:56

So by seeing them and giving them the opportunity to behave badly towards you, you are kind of setting your dp up for failure. You know he's going to struggle to defend you. Personally I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who knew all this was wrong and wasn't willing/able to take steps to break their hold. Do you want this to be your life forever?

Panickingpavlova · 11/08/2021 09:03

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do as pp said its his parents and his trauma.

Just don't go and waste your own time there.
This is a process your dh has to go through, and you can't force him to do anything.
Equally he can't expect you to have to sit through this utter crap.
You can help him by simply stating, I can't waste my precious life on sitting through listening to my beloved spoken to like this. It hurts me and makes me feel bad.

You go but I can't and if we ever had dc, I'm not exposing them either.
That's all.
Good luck op... Sometimes it takes an outsider to say this is awful to wake the person up.

Panickingpavlova · 11/08/2021 09:07
  • my dh dad is the most obnoxious person I've ever met. It's almost like he is emotionless, cold, materialistic... Hard its so hard to get anywhere with him, it's like there is no foothold for humanity! Dh can't stand up to him either face to face although I have heard him argue with his dad and he did well. He just avoids now, they make it abundanctly clear its our dc they miss not him however... They are just Vile. He couldn't stand up for him but does through avoidance etc. Nasty nasty people.
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