Not wanting to see PILs because of DP's childhood

[Alonelonelyloner]

To put it into a nutshell;

DPs father, a generally obnoxious man anyway, was very abusive both physically and emotionally to him throughout his childhood (he makes snide comments now too and can't EVER be wrong). I am learning this little by little. DPs mother obviously stood idly by, but acknowledges that her husband is and was awful. Now that I am seeing the full extent of it, I just don't want to see them. They drive me mad. All I can see when I see them is the young boy my DP was being verbally abused and beaten.

DP thinks it is his duty to see them regularly, which I have to respect. I don't want to, but he wants me too (when really I just want to tell them to go to hell).

YABU - see them, smile and support your DP
YANBU - draw a line in the sand and leave him to deal with it.

This is a really tricky one. Usually when in-laws are dicks I’d say “leave your partner to deal with them” but he’s been abused/is being abused still, and I don’t think I could leave my partner to deal that by himself. I would definitely encourage him to see them as little as possible. I hope he realises one day soon that he shouldn’t feel at all guilty to not have contact with these awful people.

@Alonelonelyloner

*I had this. I used to softy stand up to them, again and again and again. Then fil pushed me over when I was pregnant and I told them straight that it was unacceptable and I was leaving. They denied it happened despite everyone seeing him push me. I said 'I know what happened' and held my line. We left. I've never seen them again simply saying 'he pushed me over and lied about it, I'm not subjecting my dc to that' Dh has seen them 3times in 18 years. Hold your line.*

This brings me to another point actually. Both DP and I know that he will at some point say something really shit to me (nothing physical), tell me I'm an idiot/fat/a shit person etc etc. I told DP that he will do this and it will be him testing whether DP puts him first or in some way defends me. DP agreed, but said nothing more. I do not feel he will stand up to his bully of a father and he will not defend me. That hurts.

He won’t know how he’s going to react until it happens. He genuinely won’t.

When my abusive father came back into our lives shortly before his death everyone assumed my eldest brother would be resolute and insist on NC, that my other brother would back that, that my sister wouldn’t even care and that I’d be the timid weak one who ended up running around after the man who destroyed our childhoods.
It was the complete opposite.

Some days your DH probably feels strong enough that he’s stand up to him. Other days he probably feels hopeless that he can’t. When it happens something will kick in and he won’t know until it does.

I’m in a similar situation with my DH father. He wasn’t physical just a bully who had hardly any time for his son. He idolised his daughter which he still does now. My DH didn’t really see how bad it was until we had our own children. We now have minimal contact, though our choice. If I see any bullying towards my DH I will call him out on it, no one in the family has ever done that to him. He was taken aback at first, it was quite amusing seeing him confused and not knowing how to act. You’re your DH’s advocate stand up for him, he will probably struggle to do it himself.

Do you think your husband would be open to the idea of changing his relationship with them? Would you be able to stand it if you knew that your husband was gaining strength to potentially limit contact in the future?

It's a tough one - your husband shouldn't expect you to spend time with people who treat you badly, even if your main source of frustration comes from the way they treat him. Does he truly realise how awful they are?

But yes, maybe should just be by his side. I am just sick of smiling and saying yes to all the shit his father says, when I wouldn't take nay of that from my own parents

What would happen if you didn't smile and say yes? I don't mean being rude, but if he says something that's absolute nonsense and you politely correct him - and do it every time?

So many wise words.

He definitely knows how awful they are, but as an only child he feels he must deal with them.
The one time that his dad asked me something which was obnoxious, 'what do you see in my fat, ugly son??' - words to that effect, I hadn't heard properly/understood (not my native tongue and at the time my understanding was a lot less) so I didn't reply, I just looked confused and of course DP was hut. I explained later that I hadn't understood. I think at the time though it just didn't compute that a father would say this to his son's partner, with a straight face. I just didn't get it. I now see that this is just him and he is a bastard.

@hellywelly3 thank you for that. I do hope you are right and he can be the change.

@Terhou you are right, I should do this. My issue is probably my lack of good, communication skills in his language. And I'll be angry and then I will look like an idiot.

Stay in contact rarely and make it in public neutral ground. Then you can leave when you want. I'd avoid going into their house

Regularly can mean weekly, monthly or twice a year.

Perhaps fewer visit, visits with pre-arranged rules between you and your partner. (If this happens we leave sort of thing)

Visits more under your control, in your own territory.

I suspect your partner feels for his mum too.

Whilst my Dad wasn't in this sort of league we went weekly when he was ill. Partly to look after him, partly to give my Mum a break.

All I can see when I see them is the young boy my DP was being verbally abused and beaten.
Have you discussed these thoughts with your partner?

Whilst you see the visits though his eyes, does he see the visits through yours?

You didn’t mention if you have children or not - and if so how do they feature?

All the best.

@Aprilx

This is not your history, not your trauma. I think you should respect your husbands decisions. I was your husband and I would not appreciate my husband deciding for me how or if I should a have a relationship with my parents or indeed him deciding to check out.

This. Your bloke’s made it very clear what he wants.

[quote Alonelonelyloner]@Terhou you are right, I should do this. My issue is probably my lack of good, communication skills in his language. And I'll be angry and then I will look like an idiot.[/quote]
How about practicing, say 10, phrases and keep them in a bank in your head?

English is my first language (in fact, I have a degree in it) and I still get tongue-tied when my abusive DM starts her nonsense with me. I have a bank of phrases to use:

• do you mean to be so hurtful when you speak to me? (A variation of the Mumsnet classic)
• please don't discuss my weight (substitute for looks, or whatever), it's none of your concern
• etc etc

'It makes me murderous in a way.'

I understand @Alonelonelyloner , I cannot stand my FIL and I hate him coming to my house for the trauma he put my husband through.

Nothing physical, just a casual disregard for him and his siblings; never showed any love, any interest in them, total cold fish, self-absorbed and selfish.

He's reappeared now he's got nobody else, although of course I always notice- he never asks any questions, just talks about himself and how sad he is. Still fucking selfish!!!

What his mum ever saw in his dad (they are long divorced) remains a mystery, he's a joy vacuum and I despise him.

Support and encourage him to see them but less. And then less a bit more. Why do you need your dh (your fil's victim) to defend you against his bully? If you cant speak up, how do you expect him to?

@Porcupineintherough this is such an astute question! You are absolutely right and I hadn't even thought of that.

I feel sadder for him now. That is very selfish of me.
God it sucks. I should step up. That may involve telling his parents to fuck off. In English.