How can I stop being so rubbish and wishing I was someone else?

[AnnaFlabby]

I’m so sad and posting out of desperation that someone can offer something to make me feel better. Every time I try and achieve something I fail, I can’t do anything and I’m so fed up of being me.

I’m never considered for any promotion, I never get offered a job when I go for interview, not accepted if I apply for educational courses, not invited to places others are, you get the idea, the list is endless.

Latest thing I’m desperately trying to lose some weight I’ve been really good for 9 days keeping to under 1k calories. I’ve just binged bread and butter and whole pack of biscuits. I hate myself. I’m locked in a cycle and can’t ever find a way out.

Thing is there’s no deep underlying issues or eating disorder. I don’t have any major problems in my life, I don’t need counselling or to see a doctor. I’m just not an achiever and I’m just crap at everything. I honestly don’t feel I have any skills and when I try and better myself I just fail miserably. I have no purpose other than to look after my family.

I so wish I could swap places with someone else. I really don’t want to be me anymore. Does anyone else wish they were someone else?

Latest thing I’m desperately trying to lose some weight I’ve been really good for 9 days keeping to under 1k calories. I’ve just binged bread and butter and whole pack of biscuits. I hate myself. I’m locked in a cycle and can’t ever find a way out.

Actually you can congratulate yourself on being a healthy functioning human. 1000 calories is not enough. So your brain made you eat.

But anyway, it was one evening. Tell yourself the biscuits were delicious and you enjoyed that treat, and get back to healthy eating tomorrow. It's entirely throwing in the towel that sabotages. Get back on track tomorrow and you might not even gain. But perhaps go for 1500 calories. You'll still lose weight but it's more do-able.

You just sound normal really. We all have down times. Just be nice to yourself until you feel happier.

I don’t agree that the way you feel and talk about yourself is normal at all. Your post describes rock-bottom self esteem and what sounds like severe depression.

I don’t know what has happened to you in life to have such a low opinion of yourself, but it’s not the only way things can be. You said you don’t need counselling or to see a doctor but I would encourage you to reconsider one or both of those options. A good therapist could really help you to get to the bottom of these issues and start building up your sense of self-worth.

I think the way to get out of this is to be kind to yourself and it maybe worth getting a counseller to help you do this.

You are really negative about yourself. It's not normal to think I don't want to be me. It's a wasted thought really, you are you so all you can do is make the most of things. Everyone fails at diets sometimes and agree 1k isn't enough, everyone fails at job interviews for promotion, for courses, isn't invited out but the self hatred is something you need help with.

Rather than think I failed on day 10 of my diet, think I succeeded for 9 days so I deserve a day off. Rather than think I have no purpose other than my family think I am looking after my family, I am doing well to have a family and to look after them. If you are a sahm it can be very difficult to get into work again but if you go to interviews with a I am useless attitude it won't help you succeed. You need to sell yourself to you and others.

It's normal to sometimes think I wish I was working or I wish I had more money or I wish my life was more exciting but you need to stop the self hatred.

In the kindest possible way, you are wrong. You are ignoring all the evidence in your life right now which builds a picture of you as a capable, successful person.

You should be able to access CBT, contact your GP to be referred or to be informed how to self-refer.

1000 calories is not enough. Your starving yourself and setting yourself up for failure. Try aiming for 1500. Go walking for exercise and your mental health. I make sure I do 10000 steps a day or more. I've lost nearly 5 stone doing this. Once I lost 4 stone I introduced weight training and a workout dvd.

Not enough calories. 1500 is a much more realistic daily total. Increase your exercise and try to enjoy that - a sunny walk, a lively dance class, a bike ride… whatever is your poison!

I agree that you sound very down about yourself and maybe a trip to the gp and some anti-depressants might help you see yourself more clearly.

I agree with pp I really think you should see a councillor. You don't have to have gone through a major trauma in life to need therapy, sometimes it can be lots of little things that build up to make you feel like you have little self worth. You will find it hard to lose weight or do anything successfully with a negative mindset as you've always programmed yourself to expect failure.
You can 100% turn this around start today make a list of all your qualities look into getting some therapy and be kind to yourself.

@Peace43

Not enough calories. 1500 is a much more realistic daily total. Increase your exercise and try to enjoy that - a sunny walk, a lively dance class, a bike ride… whatever is your poison!

I agree that you sound very down about yourself and maybe a trip to the gp and some anti-depressants might help you see yourself more clearly.

For goodness sake, you can’t decide her calorie intake requirements without knowing her weight and height. And anti depressants isn’t the immediate answer.

Op, you’re bingeing because you’re not eating properly, you’re bingeing on carbs, so potentially moving to low carb to remove those cravings and feel full is the answer. You jist need to take some time and educate yourself on the different weightloss methods, and find one which works for you.

Bless you... Have you considered self referring for the NHS wellbeing service? There is a few weeks wait but you will be able to access through this some sessions with a practitioner working through your low self esteem issues.

Under 1k calories is starvation. So your brain and body have done exactly the right thing making you binge becuase they are trying to ensure your survival! You sound very unhappy though. I'd prioritise addressing that. Can you do some work on it? There are lots of self help books that could help, or try some counselling. Be kind to yourself x

1000 calories is fine actually but I wouldn’t worry about the blip Op. I know it makes you feel rubbish but we all do it. I have lost a lot of weight I gained over pregnancy / lockdown recently and this has helped me a lot.

Here is some info that may help you:

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This post is up there with one of the most important I’ve ever posted. I’d be so grateful if you’d take the time to read it and share with anyone you think may benefit.
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A couple of days ago I explained it’s important to realise why a person may see a very large reduction in scale weight in the first week of dieting. If you haven’t seen that post please do go and read it ♥️
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Today I want to talk about the flip side of that i.e. why someone might see a significant increase in scale weight within a short window of time.
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Many of you reading this will be able to relate; you follow your meal or diet plan all week... then at the weekend you enjoy a takeaway or a big roast dinner with pudding.
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The next day the scales show a gain of 7lb, you’re horrified and, despite the fact you get back “on plan” straight away, by the time you weigh in midweek you still record a 2lb gain.
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You’re left thinking “what’s the point? Why bother? I had one meal off plan and I’ve gained 2lb, how will I ever be able to eat normally again?!”
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And, because nobody ever explains that the gain in scale weight has absolutely NOTHING to do with the amount of adipose tissue on your body and everything to do with the glycogen stores which you’ve just topped up plus the weight of water you’re retaining because you ate a salty Chinese takeaway... well there’s a very good chance you’ll think “fk it!!” and give up.
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Please look at the figures in my earlier post. To gain 7lb of adipose tissue you would have to overeat by approx. 25,000 Calories. That’s your maintenance Calories PLUS 25,000 on top.
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The average calories in a spring roll starter, sweet and sour chicken and egg fried rice? Approx. 2000. Even if you ate that over and above your planned meals for the day... it’s unlikely to result in you gaining even half a pound of body fat.
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If you rely on scale weight to measure progress without any understanding of what’s going on inside your body... you’re setting yourself up for disappointment, which ultimately, may well lead to you abandoning your attempts to reduce your weight.
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I hope this all makes sense - any questions please don’t hesitate to get in touch, I’ll do my best to help

Your inner voice is with you until the end. So if you want to achieve anything in life it would be to get on with her better and recognise when she's being a critical bitch. Contentment in life is the ultimate prize and other good things will undoubtedly follow.
If you choose to opt for counselling recognise that there are many poor quality counsellors out there and it may take a few matches before you gel with someone. Wary of those who do it for a quick buck because they hate their normal job. Remember that it's nothing to do with you. Also prepare yourself if you go to NHS route you might be seen initially or have a telephone conversation but nothing happens for twelve months. Again not down to you.
Or pay £60 a session for a psychotherapist but make sure you research the type of therapist they are, avoid the dance therapists unless that's what your into.

9 days at under 1000 calories is a pretty big shock to the system - were you cutting out carbs a lot as well on that amount?

What is your life actually like right now? Do you have family, friends etc? Are you working? How did you do in education courses? How long have you felt this way? Seems like you really have a hugely negative self-image and this is causing you to feel extreme about minor issues. The binge last night meant you went over 1,000 calories but what about the week and day you made it before? Does that now mean nothing to you?

Its horrible feeling how you do so I do feel for you, but what you describe is ‘disasterising’ where the mindset is even a smaller mistake or small failure (breaking your calorie limit) is seen in very absolute terms as a reflection of you and your life as a whole and very negatively.

There are ways to start tackling this way of thinking by trying to make things a little more nuanced in the way you view ‘success’ and ‘failure’

I’m never considered for any promotion, I never get offered a job when I go for interview, not accepted if I apply for educational courses, not invited to places others are, you get the idea, the list is endless.

No advice on the diet front, but you sound really down, and maybe catastrophising a bit? After all you have a job and a family - 2 successes right there.

I second everyone who advised going to have a chat with your GP.

1000 calories isn't enough it's too low. I would suggest counselling. I am very similar to you, and the way i feel about myself. But counselling really helped and I'm now far happier in myself and able to manage my negative thoughts

Oh OP, you need to reframe your thinking. As a pp said, you've stuck 9 days to your diet (which is nowhere near enough calories BTW).

Do you have a job or ever had one? Then you have got a role and been offered a job - try and think of the mindset you were in then? Negativity breeds negativity - you need to be your own cheerleader.

You may need some help, have you ever thought about counselling or wellbeing coaching?

Out of interest OP how old are you?

@HeyDugeesCakeBadge

Oh OP, you need to reframe your thinking. As a pp said, you've stuck 9 days to your diet (which is nowhere near enough calories BTW).

Do you have a job or ever had one? Then you have got a role and been offered a job - try and think of the mindset you were in then? Negativity breeds negativity - you need to be your own cheerleader.

You may need some help, have you ever thought about counselling or wellbeing coaching?

"Be your own cheerleader"

I love that

This is not normal. Are you possibly depressed. Please speak to your GP.

Thanks everyone who replied. Feeling better today and will continue to embrace healthy eating. Hopefully I’ll lose some weight.

I think I find it difficult to accept not being anything special as I was raised amongst bright siblings who did well in school and are high achievers, I was always criticised put down and compared. I guess I need to accept it’s ok to just be average!

Are you me OP? I sometimes play a game where I think of people I know and think whether I'd swap and be them, or whether they'd swap with me. So far I'd swap with 90% of people, zero people would want to swap with me.

Well this is going to sound harsh. But don't flame me. I read this in a book and it was a lightbulb moment for me.

So your having a 'why me' period. Thinking you're the only person is very narcissistic, why wouldn't you gain weight if you eat a packet of biscuits, why wouldn't you get a promotion if you haven't got what's being asked for?

You already know the answers and don't like them and are having a bit of a pity party. Getting what you want involves determination, stubbornness and NOT beating yourself up when you have an off day. Baby steps is what it takes.

Think of yourself as a brand. Make your brand what you want. So with the job situation if your really good at ad hoc work sell yourself as a problem solver, no chance to prove it? Well find a problem at work to solve. Don't wait to get permission to learn.

Reflect reflect reflect. To make sure you are heading in the direction you want to go.

Volunteer if you have time. You could meet a potential new employer or meet people who can help you find that new career.

OP, I can really relate to what you're saying. I think one of the hardest things to accept as we get older is that the vast majority of us are just - and will only ever be - an average sort of person. We all have a few things we're good at to varying degrees, and we all, without exception, have failures and struggle to feel we can achieve enough to sit back and be forever proud. I think working to accept this in yourself and your loved ones is an ongoing struggle for lots of us. But think there are moments that come when you are content just "to be" and to take pleasure where you can find it, I promise.

Also, never forget that you don't see the whole picture of what happens with others. I've spent many years of my life looking up to others: relatives, teachers, bosses, doctors etc. And whilst the majority of them have been good - even impressive - people, I've come to realise that (like all of us), they pick their nose, can't take criticism and are ultimately self-centered. That pedestal is wholly illusory, and realising that is very bittersweet indeed.

You sound like you have a great job and you get interviews. Sometimes, like everyone else, you eat too many biscuits.

I am sure you are a wonderful human and not average at all.

💐💐for you OP, I bet you are lovely 🌸