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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - video contact with dd3

26 replies

Onestepawayfrom · 10/08/2021 00:16

Dd3 has recently come back from a week away with exp, she came back completely regressed - potty training, speech (although this was already delayed since contact started again), sleep with him admitting it was while in his care! She is back with him for another week and I suggested that instead of only one video call we increase this to two or three in order to help with any anxiety she may feel and to ensure there isn’t further regressions, even spoke to the health visitor whom suggest more than one phone call would help mitigate such behaviour.

Ex said no he isn’t considering more phone calls, he isn’t going to suggest other ways to support her development.. simply put she has to put up and deal with it and if I raise any concerns he will take me back to court, not the first time he has threatened this.

Am I being unreasonable in even suggesting anything to help dd? At no point did I suggest stopping contact or reducing just that we both help support dd, but his decision is still no it will be one

OP posts:
Original poster
Onestepawayfrom · 10/08/2021 06:25

Bump

OP posts:
FirmlyRooted · 10/08/2021 06:36

You are definitely not unreasonable in wanting to support your child who is going through a tough time, especially when she is do young. Your ex sounds absolutely awful. What do the contact arrangements look like?

Apeirogon · 10/08/2021 06:39

You are not unreasonable to suggest it, but unfortunately if he refuses there is not a lot you can do without going back to court.

girlmom21 · 10/08/2021 06:40

Let him take you back to court if his 'care' is impacting her development.

MargaretThursday · 10/08/2021 06:42

You don't say how old she is, but I'm guessing about 3yo when being away for a week is a long time.

But my experience of my dc is that phoning back home when they're away can be very unsettling for them, so you might find that more phone calls don't help.

MyOtherProfile · 10/08/2021 06:45

It must be very stressful letting go and watching her go off with her dad when you don't feel he is doing what she needs.

However this sentence made me wonder if you're overthinking a bit:
speech (although this was already delayed since contact started again)
I don't know how just starting contact with her dad would delay her speech?
You mentioned the health visitor, and I wonder if you have looked at speech therapy? I wonder if it is worth involving him in any of these appointments so that he can see her needs better.

Original poster
Onestepawayfrom · 10/08/2021 07:03

@MyOtherProfile, dd had been speaking, ex disappeared for 3 months and when he returned dd regressed massively in speech from about 30 words down to 3 or 4, that was a year ago and we are currently not back to those 30. Ex has been invited to such meetings that have included her nursery, but he refuses to believe there is an issue when professionals tell him there is an obvious delay he says that they’re throwing a kitchen sink at the issue. But yes speech therapy, an assessment for ASD too.

@MargaretThursday yes dd is 3, the phone calls may not work but I thought it’s at least worth a try to see if it helps. My sister moved abroad last year and video calls with her have greatly helped her understand that for now auntie isn’t here and this is someone she had lived with prior

Dd sees her dad very often now - 3 out of 4 weekends.

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Jossbow · 10/08/2021 07:04

How is video calling Mummy more going to help with Pppy training & Speech?

Who is anxious you or her?

3 year olds wax and wain with develoment- you may have a good potty few days then rubbish few. Its just the way it is.

Original poster
Onestepawayfrom · 10/08/2021 07:13

@Jossbow I would say dd when returning home being in emotional distress when even out for a few hours in addition to being fully potty trained would demonstrate that she is highly anxious. And by fully potty trained I mean was out of nappies entirely and moving onto nighttime training.

Yes, they wax and wain, but all at once in addition to the behaviour. As I’ve said above I’m unsure if it will help but at least trying to see if it’ll help ease things isn’t too much to ask for

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Original poster
Onestepawayfrom · 10/08/2021 07:16

Also I’m sure we can all agree every 3 yr old is different, some are more anxious etc video calls may work for some and not others. Not disputing the calls may have no affect but the fact ex isn’t even suggesting other ways in which to help support dd and her development, we are on week 3 on her not using the potty, so I’m just asking was I unreasonable to even suggest it and was it worthy of him threatening court for me suggesting it

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MauveMagnolia · 10/08/2021 07:46

Starting potty training a couple of weeks before a week long visit seems unusual timing? How has she regressed with potty training- generally when the time is right they get it. Sounds like the time isn't right, a child with speech delay may also have comprehension delay.

Unsure about speech regression. That seems very unlikely after 1 week. Maybe she is just quieter and talking less- that isn't speech regression.

With 30 words at 3 she clearly has delay as you have described and on an ASD pathway. Maybe go back to her speech therapist or paediatrician and get more advice?

Original poster
Onestepawayfrom · 10/08/2021 08:05

@MauveMagnolia no, potty training started back in late may/early June, since then dd has been without nappies during the day including at nursery. So I guess you could say she was fully trained for daytime, however not at night.

Speech is regressed in the sense of she won’t form words, just squealing, much like a younger infant.

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m0therofdragons · 10/08/2021 08:13

Video calls might be more disruptive then exp will have to calm dd after each call. I can understand the resistance. Your post reads much more about your anxiety (understandable) but dd will pick up on that. I’d really suggest you being very calm openly about the visits so dd can take your lead. Blaming exp for a dc regression is never going to land well.

MyOtherProfile · 10/08/2021 08:19

Maybe it needs to go back to court, or to some kind of higher power or mediation, if time with him is so detrimental. It sounds like there's a lot to look at.

Original poster
Onestepawayfrom · 10/08/2021 08:32

@m0therofdragons, as I’ve said it isn’t about me saying the phones will or won’t work.. it’s whether I’m unreasonable for asking in the first place as his threat of court would suggest I have been.

And my anxiety comes from being threatened with legal action and apply for full residence every time I try and have a conversation with this man.

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Original poster
Onestepawayfrom · 10/08/2021 08:35

@MyOtherProfile problem is I’m not trying to say it is detrimental, a week away for any 3 yr old is a long time, so I’m trying to find a solution. Maybe my suggestion isn’t the right one but he should at the very least help make suggestions especially if she is as unsettled in his care as he says she is rather than putting it down to she will have to get over it.

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MyOtherProfile · 10/08/2021 08:36

You are saying contact with him is detrimental though. So maybe this needs looking at?

Original poster
Onestepawayfrom · 10/08/2021 08:40

It appears to be affecting her development, yes.

Next long week stay isn’t until Christmas hopefully by then she will make some headway with those regressions and be able to tolerate the stay a bit more.

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Hercisback · 10/08/2021 08:41

I video called my H daily when we went away for a week. After 3 days I stopped because they were so upsetting for LO. He couldn't understand why he kept seeing daddy but not seeing him. Out of sight and out of mind was less distressing.

You won't maintain speech etc via video calls.

lanthanum · 10/08/2021 08:45

I went away for a week when DD was 3; she was at home with DH and in-laws. She didn't want to speak to me when I phoned, and every time I was mentioned she changed the subject. So in her case, it was clear that she found it easier to not be reminded of me while she couldn't see me.
(I'd never seen her jump so high as when I returned!)

Your DD may work differently, of course, but I thought I should say that more video calls isn't necessarily going to be better.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/08/2021 08:52

Sadly I would imagine a court would say 3 calls would be intrusive of his right to enjoy his time with dd.. My exh tried to demand daily calls and he was told this..
Have you seen a GP to back up your thoughts? Even on paper their support can help if it goes back to court... Sounds like you will be a frequent visitor dealing with such a man..

icedcoffees · 10/08/2021 09:12

I think multiple phone calls would be more upsetting for your DD at that age.

Original poster
Onestepawayfrom · 10/08/2021 09:24

Really isn’t about whether or not more calls would be right but whether I’m unreasonable for suggesting, I’ve asked that we work together to support dd and he isn’t interested. Not much more I can do.

@30degreesandmeltinghere we have the health visitor, whom has concerns about exp anyway, and nursery. At the moment it’s a process of elimination, obviously there’s the possible ASD which needs to be looked into but the main concern is each regression has corresponded with contact. I do think with the potty training my concern is that’ll be like with her speech and it takes dd ages to regain that skill, which is heart breaking, and to have a co parent that will not help support such needs. Nursery, hv and a social work have all said how challenging exp is and documented it, which is great but dd and I are the ones having to live with it. I just keep thinking to myself once she gets to an age where she can make sense of it and I can have less contact with exp the easier it’ll be.

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Original poster
Onestepawayfrom · 10/08/2021 09:25

On another note dd after this week will not see exp for 18days, then stay with him for a weekend then a further 12 days before seeing again (his choice not mine) anyone think this will also be very upsetting for dd?

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EverdeRose · 10/08/2021 09:37

What are the court arrangements for contact? A full week away at 3years old seem a huge amount especially when there are concerns from professionals about him.