In not wanting to look after my Mother who has Dementia?

[Ripeberry]

Sorry if i seem callous but i'm seriously worried about my Dad's health.
He has not been getting any sleep for the last few months..not a proper night's sleep because of my Mum.
She wanders around all day and night and wants him to pick things up for her and basically wants him running around after her 24/7.
He has massive debts, due to her spending like mad 3 years ago when she was starting to get ill and he can't get a loan at all although he is self-employed.
Thats another thing, he can hardly work (works at home). If he manages to lock himself in his office she threatens to burn down the house.
I can't help as i've got two young children under 6yrs old and only one is at school and frankly my Mum scares me and my kids.
Would you think i was failing in my duty as a daughter to look after my Mum if my dad..God forbid it had a breakdown or got ill?
I live over 50 miles away and my DH does not want her in our house...he does not like visiting her, can't blame him.
She is a danger as she chain smokes, drinks like a fish (cider), becomes violent and as i said before hardly sleeps.
The doctors say they can't do anymore and that we just have to get on with it.
Can they force me to look after my Mum? If she was like a little old lady and just needed some care then there would be no problem, but i can't have her under my roof as it would destroy MY familly.
I'm so worried about the future.
AB

What a difficult situation for you all.
They can't force you to do anything.
But the GP's surgery should be giving you access to some support, surely?
It might be worth contacting them to see why the doctors have said they can do no more, and that you just have to get on with it - that's terrible.

My Dad is at fault as well as he does not trust the Doctors and the NHS in generall and has been quite nasty towards them.
This is a life long thing. My mum has always had Manic Depression and she has been in an out of hospital all her life.
Its just that 5yrs ago she got really bad and they found out she was developing Dementia.
They have offered respite care and the like but of course he can't afford any of this and for some reason he can't get any financial help but that's another thing.
I've just got a feeling that everything is just going to come crashing down.
AB

What a terrible situation to be in. Dont think YABU at all. I know she is your mum, but you are a mum too and have a duty to your own children.
Are there any facilities locally for any sort of respite care, just to give your dad a break? Is your mum under the care of her gp and if so, how involved are they? Sounds like your mum needs a lot of input, which surely your dad should get some help with.

Sorry, x posted with you there. There are respite services available on the nhs too though arent there? I know you say your dad has been nasty before, but maybe he needs to just bite the bullet and look for help. For his own sake he cannot carry on like this.

Surely your father can apply for carer's allowance?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, especially with small children to look after at all.

Surely the health authorities or social services can help. Can you override your dad and get someone in to see her.

It might be worth speaking to one of the dementia charities or carer's charities and see just what is available.

Even if she was at a day centre once or twice a week it would allow your dad to do some work and help their financial situation.

also, does she get DLA? and your dad will surely qualify for carer's allowance.

My DHs aunt has dementia and it is such a cruel illness. Coupled with your mum's MD, I can only imagine what a nightmare that is.

What about any social work input? They should be able to put you in touch with agencies that could help your mum.

YANBU but it is clear your father needs more help.

as terrifying a step as it is you should contact your local social services dept and ask for an assesment.

Im sure your father would hate the idea of having your mother sent away but it is possible for him to get some help for a few hours. that way A) he cuold take a break and feel less pressured and B) it would give him a chance to get on with some work.

But please try and recognise it is your mother's illness that is causing this behaviour. It isn't her fault she acts this way as im sure you are aware but often we confuse the behaviour with personal traits.
you begin to lose sight of the real person underneath teh illness and that would be a shame.

good luck.

You cant be forced to look after her.
Presumably when your father passes away, or if he becoes too ill himself to look after her, she will need a place in a care home.

I see your dad has no trust in the NHS/authorities but it might be a really good idea for him to look into respite care, even just local day centres your mum could attend so that he can get a break.

It must be truly awful for him and it sounds like he is coping with your mother single handed.

I do visit as much as i can and at least she lets me give her a bath and wash her hair, she won't let anyone else do that, even my Dad.
I do have a brother who is unemployed and he lives 10 mins walk away and he does help out when he can but my Mum is perticularly vicious with him and he can never stay more than 1hr, not enough time for my Dad to go anywhere.
Latest news from my brother is that my Mum just sits in front of the T.V on a stool (fabric covered) and wets herself constantly, she does use pads but she seems to think they are a nappy and the living room carpet just stinks..i'll let you use your imagination.
Doctors come but they never stay long enough.
My Mum can be quite devious and she will seem quite normal and she can keep it up for half and hour, but if these so called health professionals could stay at least 2hrs THEN they would see what she is really like.
My Dad loves my Mum a lot and he does not want her to go into a Home but what can be done? He is going to go before her i know it and frankly at the moment i'm much more worried about my Dad's health.
AB

Ripeberry you really need to get some proper advice on what help there is available. Ageconcern are really good - we got some really good financial advice from them (for free) when my FIL had to be admitted into a Care Home (with Alzeimers + a fall which resulted in him fracturing his neck).

Is your mum on any medication for her dementia (Aricept worked for my FIL and definetly delayed the progression of his dementia).

Your father should be eligible for carers allowance - but your mother may have to be assessed by the Mental Health Team. There may also be day units around where your Mum could go in the day so your father can get his work done / have a well earned break.

No-one who has known a family member with dementia can possibly think you are being unreasonable to not want her to live with you.

MIND are fabulous at offering practical advice and support for anyone affected by mental health problems - have a look at their website.here

Your first and foremost duty is to your own children so YANBU, not at all. It sounds like a very difficult situation for you all.

My mum has invited her big sister over to visit next week and she is going to be so SHOCKED by all this.
Just hope that my Auntie can knock some sense into my Dad and get him to look for some help.
Regarding the financial thing, its to do with unpaid income tax for the last 25yrs as my Dad moved back to the UK from abroad and FORGOT!! to pay the tax.
He's worried that if he claims for things he will be found out.
Could not make this up. They only told me about this last year. Does this mean they are totally f*ed up? when it comes to getting help? I'm crying now.
AB

She is probably at the early stages of dementia where she has periods of lucidity.
she may not have control all of the time but when she does she finds it all very frightening.

she is probably incontinent most of teh time but when she is "herself" she realises that she has a pad on and doesn't understand why.

it does sound like a very stressfull situation for you all and my heart goes out to your dad for struggling to care for her as well as he is.

but you do need professional help.

speak with your father about getting some help from a care assistant. if he is agreed then why dont you both arrange an apointment from a social worker to come and asses your mother.
social workers will be more inclined to hear what it is like on a daily basis and hear what its like from your pov. Dr's are just worried about the patients problems whereas the SW will take into account teh stress it is putting on your father.

That is why it is so important your dad finds out what help is out there.
He needs help. This is too much for one person to deal with.
I'ts heart breaking, he has to deal with losing his wife (which is effectively what happens, the real person you know and love slowly shrinks away) at the same time as being under immense pressure coping with her moods and behaviour AND being solely responsible for her welfare.

For his own health he needs help.

(Btw, your mum is not being devious - people with dementia, especially at the start, still have very lucid periods and at those times they may be unaware of their dementia or they choose not to believe it - and who could blame them?).

Does your father know how much he owes in tax and when did he return to the UK?

It sounds as though he needs some proper financial advice anyway, I would have thought either age concern or MIND may be able to help - the revenue will find out at some point about the unpaid tax but there may be a compromise/ settlement they could come to; what is he doing about his pension?

He has a private pension and is making sure that it is still paid up. Luckily the house is owned outright but it's in a right state.
No way you could have people coming to view it even if he wanted to sell it as every room is crammed with books and magazines and quite frankly JUNK!.
The loft is so full that they can't get into it anymore.
My Dad is just too proud to accept any help from anyone. He has started DIY jobs in the past and if he can't do it he NEVER gets help in, so the kitchen is half done and has been like that for 15yrs.
Sometimes i think my Dad is worse than my Mum and he is making a bad situation much worse than it needs to be.
AB

Does your father know how much he owes in tax and when did he return to the UK?

Can i add also that they are quite young, my Mum is only 63yrs old and my Dad just turned 60 this year. I work as a Care assistant anyway and i've not met anyone YET as bad as my parents.
AB

Wisteria, he has not paid Tax since 1981 so i've no idea how to work it out...anyway he has over £40,000 of debt so what to do? Going to live in a cardboard box at this rate.
AB

You could also try the citizens Advice Bureau - they have a helpful website with advice on where to go for help
www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/family_parent/family/community_care.htm

I think you nee to have a serious chat with your Dad - I'm sure he is burying his head in the sand (understandably) about how ill his wife is. You need to start getting things into place as soon as possible as it all takes time.

Help is out there though and as other posters have said - regarding the income tax - they wouldn't expect it all tyo be paid back at once. Speak to someone who knows the system please - worrying about it just makes a big problem seem even bigger

Sounds like your mum (and dad) need professional help.
My mum has early onset dementia and has been prescribed tablets to delay its progress (though lately she's deteriorated quite quickly). She has her own psychologist who visits her in her own home and assesses her at intervals as he sees appropriate and her own Community Psychiatric Nurse who visits regularly. When she had a fall last Christmas social workers got involved (following a request by her psychiatrist and she got morning and evening visits for up to an hour by carers to check she was okay and help out in any way they could (wash her hair, pop to the shops etc.) and she was offered meals on wheels twice a day (she declined them). The impression we got was that there is a lot of help out there if they know about you - which is quite comforting for the future (we all live hundreds of miles away).
Anyway my mum has always had quite an abrasive character and the older she's got the more cranky she seems. She is definitely a grumpy old lady, and quite a proud one too who feels qute patronised at times. Alzheimers can eventually make you quite paranoid and that's where the violence comes in I think (certainly it did my Gran and then she was quite scary to be around). Given my mum's nature I think she could quite easily become this way too. I definitely wouldn't want to have responsibility for her if/when she gets to this stage and am glad we've tested the waters in a way.
She lives on her own, so the situation is simpler for us, but if I were you I'd go and talk to her gp on her behalf. My understanding is that the NHS puts the patient's needs first. Just don't mention the financial shenanigans - though I can't imagine who would ask. I'd think it was one for the Inland Revenue.

Thank you Sundew, yes he is burying his head in the sand about a lot of things, i'll have a look into all of everyone's suggestions.
Sorry about the serious topic, but its been bugging me for ages and i actually woke up crying about it this morning.
Thank you all for your help
AB

Ripeberry, I hope you can talk to someone who can help, and that your aunt can help your dad see he needs help. Can you speak to your aunt ahead of her visit to tell her your concerns? or does she know them already?

and you know that there is always someone aroud on here just to listen if you just need to talk about things

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