In not wanting to look after my Mother who has Dementia?

[Ripeberry]

Sorry if i seem callous but i'm seriously worried about my Dad's health.
He has not been getting any sleep for the last few months..not a proper night's sleep because of my Mum.
She wanders around all day and night and wants him to pick things up for her and basically wants him running around after her 24/7.
He has massive debts, due to her spending like mad 3 years ago when she was starting to get ill and he can't get a loan at all although he is self-employed.
Thats another thing, he can hardly work (works at home). If he manages to lock himself in his office she threatens to burn down the house.
I can't help as i've got two young children under 6yrs old and only one is at school and frankly my Mum scares me and my kids.
Would you think i was failing in my duty as a daughter to look after my Mum if my dad..God forbid it had a breakdown or got ill?
I live over 50 miles away and my DH does not want her in our house...he does not like visiting her, can't blame him.
She is a danger as she chain smokes, drinks like a fish (cider), becomes violent and as i said before hardly sleeps.
The doctors say they can't do anymore and that we just have to get on with it.
Can they force me to look after my Mum? If she was like a little old lady and just needed some care then there would be no problem, but i can't have her under my roof as it would destroy MY familly.
I'm so worried about the future.
AB

The whole debt issue is never as bad as you imagine; and there will still be ways they can lead a comfortable life.

He will undoubtedly be happier once it is all sorted anyway (the stress must be immense on him as well). They would not be declared bankrupt as there is equity in the house and given your Mother's mental health there may be an arrangement that could be made to release equity to pay off the debts without them having to move if it could be proved that a move would cause further deterioration..

Please try to speak to as many people as possible and urge your Dad to seek some advice.

Have you considered filming your mother (in secret) to show the health professionals if she does not portray the true picture when they are there?

I do wonder how much the tax issue is affecting everything else. A lot of help you can get is meanstested. My Grandad is 95 and lives alone but has homecare going in and he has to pay towards this due to his income/savings (not massive by any stretch). But it is hard for your Dad to declare his/your Mum's financial situation. I think the best help you could be really would be to get to the bottom of their financial position or engage with a charity/agency that will do that for them.

Ripeberry - have you asked the local authority for a community care assessment? Best thing would be to ask your GP to formally write to social services for an assessment of her care needs. Also, is your mother linked to mental health services for older people - i.e. psychiatrist or community mental health team? If not, ask GP for a referral - they can also arrange day services and respite although things do vary considerably from area to area. Also check out if there is an Alzheimers Disease Society near you - they will be able to support you and your dad, and also have a list of local resources. Get some help for all your sakes and - terribly difficult thing to have to face all round. Good Luck

Poor you, what a terrible situation.

Kammy is right though about how you need to start going about getting support in place for your mum and dad.

If your mum is diagnosed with affective bi-polar is she linked in with mental health services already? If she isn't then you need to ask her GP to do a referral to the local Community Mental Health Team for Older People so that they can do an assessment of her needs, the GP should also refer your dad for a carer's assessment so that his needs can be looked at as well and support offered to him as a carer. There is a legal obligation on social services to complete an assessment and complete an assessment document which your mum and dad can request a copy of, this should say what their assessed needs are and how the social services team intends to meet them.

If you are really worried about your mum and dad and think that they are risk of harm you could contact the Older People's Mental Health team yourself and do a Protection Of Vulnerable Adult alert, this means that you are raising their safety a serious concern and should prompt a more immediate investigation.

If your mum is involved with mental health services her psychiatrist could do this, and you could also ask if your mum can have a Community Psychiatric Nurse and/or a Community Support Worker.

MIND have a helpline and provide really helpful advice.

Lots of luck.

I don't think carer's allowance is income based therefore his tax position will not be looked at if he claimed this.

It sounds awful perhaps your Dad will have to accept that he will have to become bankrupt or similar and pay back the IT he owes. However if that is the case he will be able to get help in other ways, like residential care for your Mum or respite etc which costs thousands and thousands - probably more than your Dad owes & the value of their house. It sounds like a complete mess, I wish you the best in trying to get your Dad to face up to the situation and move forward with it. BTW no YANBU to not want to help look after your Mum under the circumstances they are in - it's a no-win mess.

Ripeberry - i just want to send you a big hug. My father died after two years of hell with dementia and i know exactly how you feel. I remember when it all fell apart and my mum just coudlnt cope anymore social services being pretty useless actually. The social worker came and said to me, can you have your father live with you. Well there was simply NO way, i could have coped with that. I had my Eldest DD living at home and another on the way and my poor old dad would get so frightened he would lash out. I stood firm and eventually they did find my dad a care home.

This is too much for your Dad, and its also not fair on your mum, she needs professional care. My advice would be to start looking now as there are some great care homes out there, but as i found to my horror, some really bloody awful ones. Does your mum have a CPN? She could possibly organise some respite and get the wheels rolling for a care home. My Dad used to go to a day centre as well, that was a god send. My parents had no money and luckily (as it turned out) lived in council housing so the cost was covered by social services.

Contact the Alzheimer's society as they can be a great resource.

I feel for you i really do, its shit. There is no way to pretty it up so i wont bother, but help IS out there, you just have to stamp your feet HARD.

Dont even feel guilty for a second for not having your mum with you, it will not be fair on your children and it will be bad for your marriage, and your mum (when her normal self) would hate that. Your Dad has done what sounds like a wonderful job up until now - but its time for him to let go, i know this is terribly hard for you all, but you need to be objective, your dad cannot cope alone and your mum is a danger to herself. I totally empathise with the wandering, that was the most difficult thing to cope with.

some great advice there from emskaboo - hang on in there ripeberry, you can get through this/

you could speak to social services about getting a carer to come in and also speak to doctor regarding medication maybe needs a sedative or a stronger one for a night

i worked close with people with dementia and nearly all had sleeping tabs and the ones that did go home had home help to take pressure off spouse or family

you can also ask them about seeing an incontinance nurse who could get the right pads thats needed

also make sure she is checked in case of urine infection as this can make her act out of sorts also and extremely difficult to tell in someone with dimentia so maybe just ask if her urine could be tested

You mother needs a care assesment and your father needs a carer's assesment (can't remember what they're called, & only know the child versions anyway).

CA (carer's allowance) IS means tested (you'\re allowed to earn about 80 odd quid a week) and you're not allowed to work for money for more than a certain number of hours a week (can't remember the amount). DLA isn't means tested though.

Ripeberry - sorry to hear things are crap for you and your family.

I am a social worker, and definitely think you might benefit from getting your mother assessed under the community care act. whilst a referral/supporting letter from GP would help with this, you can refer.

I don;t have much time to post now as am at work but feel free to CAT me if you want any advice on getting an assessment and what services you might get.

Sorry, haven't got time to read all the replies, but just wanted to say - it sounds like your dad needs some help with caring for your mum. Have you contacted social services and had her assessed? Perhaps she is eligible for some sort of respite care, so that your dad isn't so overwhelmed and alone in all of this. I understand how you feel - my grandmother suffered from dementia and her decline took years and was frightening and confusing for everyone in our family. Eventually she had to go into a nursing home, as my mum was working full time and bringing up us kids and couldnt look after her full time anymore (she also started to drink and smoke heavily and became a danger to herself and others).

You are allowed to feel angry and cinfused - dementia is a terrible thing and I think most loved ones of people who suffer from it go through a kind of grieving process. But she is your mum, and your dad's wife, and you all owe it to her to make sure she is getting the care she needs.

Thanks for all your suggestions and experiences. Fell much better now and hope we can get things moving along for the the better.
Don't know what i would do without MN, you are all wonderfull!
AB

I'm sorry for the awfl position that you have been put in.

Debt wise your father or you should talk to one of the free debt charities. There advice is totally free and they will offer impartial advice in confidence. They may suggest an IVA or bankruptcy with the extent of your fathers debts

www.cccs.co.uk/

www.nationaldebtline.co.uk

If they suggest bankruptcy get him on to the board on money saving expert

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.html?f=136

The guys there will be able to help you throgh it. It would probably be a good idea to get on to the debtfree wanabee forum on there anyway.

All the best with it. (((hugs)))

Hi Ripeberry, just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

My Dad was diagnosed with a form of senile dementia that is related to alcohol abuse about 3 years ago. There is no other family apart from me that could look after him. My dh and dd have a serious medical condition, so I could not cope with Dad living with me too.

There is help available, most of which you won't have to give any financial details for. For example, most local authorities offer a laundry service for people with incontinence.

Help the Aged are good for financial advice. If the debt is partly because your Mum was overspending in the early days of her dementia (my Dad did this), Help the Aged advised me to contact my Dad's creditors to make repayment arrangements.

Someone mentioned carer's allowance, but they DO look at your income to see if you are eligible for this, have a look at the DWP's website for more information. I think you have to be earning under around £95 per week to qualify for this benefit.

Your Mum MAY be eligible to claim DLA. Well worth a try. This isn't means-tested.

HTH

Hi, Just to say that Help the Aged and Age Concern have fact sheets on what the care assessment entails and how you can prepare for it. The fact sheets are very thorough and will help you understand the sorts of things Social Services might be able to do and how it might be funded.

As others have said, there are places like Citizens Advice where your dad can get financial advice. Hopefully he will start to realise that he has got to reach out for some help, because your mum's health is unlikely to get better.

I don't think anyone on here would think that you are failing in your duty as a daughter. A daughter who was failing in her duty wouldn't be on here asking for advice and support!! As you say, you have to think about your WHOLE family and that's not just your mum, but your DH and kids too. I have watched my mum go through this with her mother and the stress of her travelling 200 miles every week, actually made me feel very upset and in the end, compounded the problem.

Best of luck with everything.