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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP invites people around all the time without telling me. AIBU to be annoyed?

38 replies

Justcurious93 · 09/08/2021 18:59

I live with my DP of 10 years. He's very sociable as am I, however he doesn't seem to understand that I might like some notice when people are coming over. I've just rang him now to see where he was (out with family) and he informs me that people are coming over at 8. We've not had anything to eat and I was just about to have a bath, AIBU feeling annoyed?

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 09/08/2021 19:02

If you have told him and he doesn't care about your feelings on this then you can only just carry on regardless Smile. Have something to eat and have a bath.

If you feel you want to just say "oh sorry guests, Jim didn't tell me you were coming round - I really need an early night. Night!" And off you trot to your bedroom!

Sounds like some sort of compromise is needed between you as I can see both sides.

MrsClatterbuck · 09/08/2021 19:11

I would hate this. Yes to having something to eat and then have your bath. Dh now knows to always have a discussion first before inviting people over. I'm case I am out or havevdomething else planned. Very rude not to discuss it first. Are you expected to do all the work ie feeding them and clearing up afterwards. Or actually you could justbgomout and not be there and let him do all the entertaining etc

phishy · 09/08/2021 19:12

YANBU. It’s rude and disrespectful not to ask you first.

Does he at least host/get them drinks etc himself?

ineedaholidaynow · 09/08/2021 19:14

When will you eat?

Notaroadrunner · 09/08/2021 19:16

You eat something before they arrive and go and have your bath. He can figure out what to give them and he can entertain them.

ParistoLondon · 09/08/2021 19:20

YANBU at all. I would hate hate hate this. Like another PP said, he can sort his guests out and entertain them then. He should have asked you first.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2021 19:21

This is unacceptable in my book.

Aprilx · 09/08/2021 19:25

Sounds like some sort of compromise is needed between you as I can see both sides.

What is the other side to this though?

“I want to be able to bring home groups of people without needing to provide my partner that I share a home with any prior notice”.

Garfunkle · 09/08/2021 19:26

Have your dinner, go in the bath, put your pjs on and go and chill in your bedroom. Let him do the entertaining himself. It probably won’t happen again

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 09/08/2021 19:27

I'd make myself something to eat and go have a bath then relax in the bedroom.

He wants to bring people round without notice, tough shit. That doesn't mean you have to play hostess.

pinkmoon18 · 09/08/2021 19:28

YANBU

I would hate this too esp after being at work all day

Original poster
Justcurious93 · 09/08/2021 19:32

He's not expecting me to do any hosting but I just fancied slobbing in my PJs watching trash TV after work Grin

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 09/08/2021 19:59

I wouldn't expect to ask my DH's permission if I wanted to invite friends round.

I wouldn't expect him to host, or change his plans because of it either.

I find it a bit worrying that so many people think that the other adult in the household has to ask permission to have friends round, like a child.

mrsm43s · 09/08/2021 20:00

@Justcurious93

He's not expecting me to do any hosting but I just fancied slobbing in my PJs watching trash TV after work Grin
If he's not expecting you to host, then what's stopping you doing exactly that?
LagunaBubbles · 09/08/2021 20:05

find it a bit worrying that so many people think that the other adult in the household has to ask permission to have friends round, like a child

Its not so much asking permission but actually having the common decency to say to your partner in advance.

BetsyBigNose · 09/08/2021 20:14

As long as you have a separate loo which the guests can use, then if I were you, I would say a quick hello to them, then disappear for a relaxing bath, followed by curling up in bed and watching whatever trash TV you had planned, on a laptop or tablet. I assume your DH will need to feed your his guests, so just ask him to bring your plate to the bedroom!

mrsm43s · 09/08/2021 20:18

@LagunaBubbles

find it a bit worrying that so many people think that the other adult in the household has to ask permission to have friends round, like a child

Its not so much asking permission but actually having the common decency to say to your partner in advance.

But why?

He's not asking her to host. She can carry on with her night as she planned.

Why does he need to ask permission tell his partner in advance?

If I bumped into friends, I wouldn't feel the need to ask my husbands permission, or even tell him in advance, before inviting them back for a cup of tea/glass of wine if I felt like it. Obviously i'd not expect DH to necessarily join us, if he had other preferences for how he wished to spend his evening.

DroopyClematis · 09/08/2021 20:22

@mrsm43s
OP's partner keeps doing this.
It's not the partner's house, it belongs to both of them.
She shouldn't have to go to bed early just because his mates are coming round.

Having guests round should be agreed between them.

Candydreamer · 09/08/2021 20:24

It's common decency to give your partner the heads up if people are coming round. Imagine if I had just gotten out the bath, totally naked, and in come DH and his friends.

Or if you had had a really rough day and were upset/angry and in no mood to socialize but equally did not want to feel banished to your bedroom. Then DH and co could go elsewhere without miserable face on the sofa souring the mood.

Woodmarsh · 09/08/2021 20:28

@mrsm43s she can't carry on as planned though, she wanted to slob on the sofa in her pjs watching TV. Presumably the guests will want to sit on the sofa and talk and OP may not want them to see her in her pjs

Elouera · 09/08/2021 20:29

I'd hate this! Had it previously and hate having 10mins to tidy, remove underwear from the drying rack thing in the lounge, check and clean the toilet and put a bra back on. Why can't he go to their house?

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 09/08/2021 20:29

No way this would happen in our house, the layout means that everyone walks past the bedrooms, so no one would get any sleep. DS 9 has ADHD and really can't have his bedtime fucked about with. They'd have to leave before 10, 9 in term time, or go to someone else's house.

Elouera · 09/08/2021 20:30

I'd eat, put PJ's and dressing gown on, then when they arrive, advice the guests you are off to watch TV in bed.

mrsm43s · 09/08/2021 20:31

[quote DroopyClematis]@mrsm43s
OP's partner keeps doing this.
It's not the partner's house, it belongs to both of them.
She shouldn't have to go to bed early just because his mates are coming round.

Having guests round should be agreed between them.[/quote]
It's also his house. He shouldn't have to ask permission to bring people back.

She doesn't have to go to bed early - she can do whatever she wants. He is asking nothing of her.

He is inviting his friends round which he is hosting. She doesn't need to be involved, or alter her plans at all.

If I bump into a friend on the school run - I don't ask my DH's permission to invite them in for coffee.
If my mum drops some post off for me, I don't ask my DH's permission before inviting her in for a chat.
If I bump into an old friend on the commute from work, I don't ask my DH's permission to invite them to come back for a glass of wine.

Obviously, if I was hosting a dinner party where I expected DH in attendance, or was expecting DH to cook dinner etc I'd arrange it in advance (or give him a quick call if it was impromptu). But for plans that do not involve DH, I don't ask his permission or run it by him before arranging. But OP is clear that she's not being expected to host.

Runmybathforme · 09/08/2021 20:34

@mrsm43s

I wouldn't expect to ask my DH's permission if I wanted to invite friends round.

I wouldn't expect him to host, or change his plans because of it either.

I find it a bit worrying that so many people think that the other adult in the household has to ask permission to have friends round, like a child.

Surely it’s about consideration for the person who shares your home ? We’re all entitled to relax and slob out in the evening. This was a huge part of my DH’s first marriage break up, she would nearly always have family or friends in the house when he got home exhausted. He’s not at all unsociable, just wanted to chill at the end of a long day.
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