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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law excluding me

38 replies

Dadothree · 09/08/2021 18:52

Hey, first time posting here but wanted to get your opinion on an issue that has been ongoing for years and now I feel is starting to overflow in to my children.

So myself and my partner have been together for 11 years, my mother in law didn't like me at the start of our relationship, I was not a great kid at school and she happened to be my headteacher, so not the best first impression! Any way, early on in the relationship I noticed me mother in law excluded me from things, small at first, when she use to ask if my SO wanted a drink she didn't ask me, the same with her opinion on things. I initially thought she didn't like me and after speaking to my SO she had a chat with my MI and noted it was just because it has always just been them, therefore she never thought to ask. Over the years this kind of thing improved, only a handful of time I really noticed she would ask or comment on something and not include me and I would have to say "I'll have one too" or "can I see too?". In the past few years, since my oldest has started speaking and spending time with my MI that I've noticed the excluding happening again. It would be things like"what does mummy think?" When my oldest would ask for something or "show mummy this", "give this to mummy". I didn't really see it as a problem until today. My oldest and my MI went away on holiday and came back today and I immediately noticed it happening again; the first thing MI said was "show mummy what you got", it was a rock in the shape of a heart, fair enough, he likely found it and thought to give it to his mummy. Then, sat on the sofa, she says "here show mummy the photos we took" and "what does mummy think of those?" And my child is following this narrative. Maybe I'm being too sensitive to it and I should pipe up and involve myself, it seems easier to do so after the fact. Am I being unreasonable for commenting on it and am I being over zealous?

OP posts:
FlorenceNightshade · 09/08/2021 18:55

So she’s talking to you through your kid is that what you mean?

SpringSparrow · 09/08/2021 18:57

I don’t get this. What’s wrong with her saying “show it to mummy”?!

AppleKatie · 09/08/2021 18:58

Are you not mummy?

FlorenceNightshade · 09/08/2021 19:00

Oh!!!! “Looks at user name and penny drops” Blush

MauveMagnolia · 09/08/2021 19:00

Are you Daddy and not Mummy?

BaronessBomburst · 09/08/2021 19:00

I'm a bit confused too. She's including your toddler in the conversation, not excluding you.

Original poster
Dadothree · 09/08/2021 19:02

@Dadothree

Hey, first time posting here but wanted to get your opinion on an issue that has been ongoing for years and now I feel is starting to overflow in to my children.

So myself and my partner have been together for 11 years, my mother in law didn't like me at the start of our relationship, I was not a great kid at school and she happened to be my headteacher, so not the best first impression! Any way, early on in the relationship I noticed me mother in law excluded me from things, small at first, when she use to ask if my SO wanted a drink she didn't ask me, the same with her opinion on things. I initially thought she didn't like me and after speaking to my SO she had a chat with my MI and noted it was just because it has always just been them, therefore she never thought to ask. Over the years this kind of thing improved, only a handful of time I really noticed she would ask or comment on something and not include me and I would have to say "I'll have one too" or "can I see too?". In the past few years, since my oldest has started speaking and spending time with my MI that I've noticed the excluding happening again. It would be things like"what does mummy think?" When my oldest would ask for something or "show mummy this", "give this to mummy". I didn't really see it as a problem until today. My oldest and my MI went away on holiday and came back today and I immediately noticed it happening again; the first thing MI said was "show mummy what you got", it was a rock in the shape of a heart, fair enough, he likely found it and thought to give it to his mummy. Then, sat on the sofa, she says "here show mummy the photos we took" and "what does mummy think of those?" And my child is following this narrative. Maybe I'm being too sensitive to it and I should pipe up and involve myself, it seems easier to do so after the fact. Am I being unreasonable for commenting on it and am I being over zealous?

Sorry, no I'm dad
OP posts:
MissyB1 · 09/08/2021 19:02

I think OP is not mummy. The clue is in their username!

OP what does your partner say about this? Have they noticed? Would they be prepared to say something to their mum?

WhenwillSleephappen · 09/08/2021 19:02

She’s trying to involve and encourage your child. Normal I’d say. It wouldn’t be a problem for me at all.

phishy · 09/08/2021 19:03

I think ‘mummy’ is OP’s partner, and MIL’a daughter.

YANBU, OP, sounds like MIL is excluding you.

I would have a chat with your partner about how it’s making you feel and how Parker can help tackle it. Sorry, sounds crap Flowers

OaxacaChihuahua · 09/08/2021 19:03

OP is dad, not mum - so he’s not being included at all.

Sorry OP - that’s rude and it is a shame. It’s hard to pull someone up on what seems like a small issue at the time though. The cumulative effect is obviously the issue, but that’s hard to address.

If it starts to affect your relationship with your child I think you would be well within your rights to withdraw from the relationship and not put yourself through any heartache.

FlorenceNightshade · 09/08/2021 19:04

Just add yourself on like you’ve done in the past. “Oh let daddy see too sweetheart” If she doesn’t stop doing it your DP should pull her up on it

WhenwillSleephappen · 09/08/2021 19:04

Sorry just seen you are Dad.

Yeah that’s a bit odd then. My in laws would try to involve both of us and don’t just direct to one parent. However, if they did and I wanted to know I would also say “ooo show me” to the child

AlternativePerspective · 09/08/2021 19:05

Fgs if you’re the dad why not just say so instead of expecting people to give a shit about your username?

I don’t even look at usernames so it wouldn’t twig apart from that PP pointed it out.

If you’re daddy then just interject.

But if you’re mummy then you’re being over sensitive. “Why don’t you show mummy x/y/the pictures” is a perfectly normal thing to say to a toddler.

AlternativePerspective · 09/08/2021 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

AppleKatie · 09/08/2021 19:07

If you don’t like it OP, then interject more and insert yourself in the conversations.
If she doesn’t improve limit the time you and the DC spend with her.

Original poster
Dadothree · 09/08/2021 19:15

Hey sorry, I am dad, I didn't even think to include it in the post!

OP posts:
Bluejeanjen · 09/08/2021 19:16

Don’t worry op. I completely get what you’re saying and only took a second to realise you’re the Dad. Some people just don’t read stuff properly or question as they read things.

I think whilst it’s not right, MIL probably isn’t doing it on purpose. Like when people say thank you to their relative for a gift but not the partner etc. That happens a lot in my experience. It’s more thoughtless than malicious.

MissyB1 · 09/08/2021 19:16

Just tel Mil, every time she does it say “mummy and daddy I think you mean”

stepupandbecounted · 09/08/2021 19:26

I would speak to your dp and ask her to have a word. It is unkind and manipulative. Does your dp notice it?

If you have told her, and she continues then perhaps it is time there was more distance. She can't hold grudges against you, as you were just a child when she first knew you, that would be grossly unfair.

Ultimately your child will love you regardless of your MIL, focus on building super strong bonds with your child and partner. Your MIL is like many others, a pain in the rear end at times.

username34512875 · 09/08/2021 19:39

@AlternativePerspective

Fgs if you’re the dad why not just say so instead of expecting people to give a shit about your username?

I don’t even look at usernames so it wouldn’t twig apart from that PP pointed it out.

If you’re daddy then just interject.

But if you’re mummy then you’re being over sensitive. “Why don’t you show mummy x/y/the pictures” is a perfectly normal thing to say to a toddler.

When did he say anything about people caring about his username? Irrelevant comment 😂
ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 09/08/2021 19:41

You need to have a chat with DP about this and get her to challenge MIL on this behaviour. Must feel shit though Flowers

Thehop · 09/08/2021 19:48

Interject every time

“Ooh show daddy too, I’m excited to see!”

LuxOlente · 09/08/2021 19:52

My MIL did this. Didn't like me on sight so just talked over me, ignored me and acted like DH was there by himself. Set the table for one setting less so he had to go and get me cutlery. She poured everyone a drink but me, so he pointedly did it.

Anyway I said I wasn't visiting again, and my DH was so annoyed at her he said the same. We didn't see them for 7 years.

Relaxing solution, everyone wins!

Can you just stop visiting? She isn't going to get any better.

Justme10 · 09/08/2021 20:02

Regardless of if OP is dad or mum as well, the content of the post is still the same and easy to understand Confused

I would worry saying something to MIL may come across childish and then you wouldn't be taken seriously.
I think the best thing to do would be to involve yourself 'I would like to see come show daddy as well' etc.
Or if possible stop visiting, you shouldn't have to put up with being disrespected in front of your child.

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