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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think contribution to child should be proportional to income?

81 replies

Ulltiger · 09/08/2021 09:39

Hello all, I'm looking for advice and thoughts on the following scenario, me and my ex share care of our son 50/50. Despite her earning at least 3 times what I do (£75k last I knew and she's got another job since then, so likely more) she expects everything split 50/50 cost wise. The latest thing being school meals when he starts back in September. Am I unreasonable to think a more equitable solution would be for it to be even losely proportionate to income?

Not that im counting it into anything but for context she has a partner and I don't, so household incomes are vastly different. Also if relevant a little background, when we were together at one point we had a similar wage, she then did a degree, which I supported her in, running the household, looking after our son (feeding, getting ready, dropping off/picking up from nursery, bathing etc) so she could focus on that. After that her career took off, she worked away a lot, so again I was doing all of the above.
Even now I'm the one who regularly reads with him and helps him do his homework.
I also administer the childcare account, his swimming lessons etc and she's proposing I also administer the school meal account, which I feel almost obliged to do because if I don't our child will probably not eat! That's not sour grapes on my part, just a fact :-)

OP posts:

Auntienumber8 · 09/08/2021 09:46

Her having a partner is completely irrelevant.
Really 50/50 shared expenses should be just that. It’s just that her earning position and due to sharing expenses means she is far better off than you. It may stick in your throat a bit but do not dwell on it otherwise bitterness will consume you.

sofiegiraffe · 09/08/2021 09:59

I earn more than my ex partner. I also have a partner who earns similar to me whereas my ex is single, so our household income is a lot higher. I don't expect 50/50 split - I recognise that I'm in a stronger financial position so I provide more, eg I pay for all school uniforms, school trips, school dinners, school buses, and my daughter's mobile phone contract (she's a teenager). We don't have 50/50 shared care though - I'm the resident parent (she stays with her dad EOW and half of school holidays), so he pays me maintenance. But no, I don't insist on 50/50 of all costs.

honeylulu · 09/08/2021 10:08

If it's 50/50 shared care then it should be 50/50 shared expenses, sorry.

You're no longer a couple and you are no longer supporting/ enabling her career.

You don't say if you were married but if so your domestic contribution should have been reflected in how the joint assets were divided on divorce. If you weren't married, bad luck. Marriage is a way of protecting the lower earning partner who makes career sacrifices for the family.

The only way she will pay more is if you have more than 50% care in which case she will pay you CM. Is that an option?

mewkins · 09/08/2021 10:17

Yes if I knew you are earning 25k vs. me on 75k then I would suck up more of the expenses like school dinners. I know some people wouldn't and it would obviously be affected by things like whether you still had a decent coparenting relationship but I wouldn't want to see my ex partner struggle to afford stuff like trips swimming, etc just because I was insisting on costs being split straight down the middle while I could well afford to take on more of the costs.

sofiegiraffe · 09/08/2021 10:19

@mewkins

This is exactly why I don't insist on 50/50 costs.

Aliceinunderland · 09/08/2021 10:24

Do you pay maintenance? If not, everything else is irrelevant. You and your ex partner are each 50% responsible for your child.

SimonJT · 09/08/2021 10:27

If you were married your career sacrifice would have been taken into account during the divorce.

Unless incomes are wildly different it should be 50/50 and a new partners income shouldn’t be taken into account, they’re not the parent.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/08/2021 10:29

50/50 shared care so 50/50 on costs is fair regardless of income. Both parents are equally responsible not just the one with the better career.

Dragon50 · 09/08/2021 10:29

I think that’s fair enough.

Maybe point out that you’d like to do more with DC and would if a earnings split was taken into account?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/08/2021 10:31

I see both sides tbh- but I tend to come down on the side 50/50 care is 50/50 costs, Maintenace is a separate issue -8l if you were married when you put your earning potential on the back burner to care for the child then that I assume should be compensated in the split

tiredofthisshit21 · 09/08/2021 10:37

You're basically expecting your partner to subsidise your lifestyle because she has a better job. Her partner is irrelevant (and may have their own kids to support anyway?) I remarried but I don't expect my husband to pay anything towards my child.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 09/08/2021 10:38

You're both equal amounts his parents so you should be spending the same on him. You may have supported her while you were together but You're not anymore and if you didn't have a kid you'd have lost that contribution anyway. You need to draw a line between parenting and your relationship

DaisyWaldron · 09/08/2021 10:42

Suggest that she pays for all school meals when your son is with her and that he has packed lunches when he is with you.

I think if there is 50/50 care and a disparity of income, then the better off parent doesn't get to decide both to split all costs 50/50 AND what amount of money to spend. If you want to split costs equally, the costs have to be within the lower earner's budget.

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 09/08/2021 10:44

You administer the school meals account? - I do that too. I check what days they (x3 children) want dinners and I pay for it it’s not difficult it takes 5 minutes once a week. Same for swimming etc. My ex and I pay 50:50 for all children’s expenses. You’d be paying the same if you lived together so it makes little difference what she earns. I earn less than my ex. I went part time as childcare doesn’t operate at our shift pattern times but I still pay the same to make sure they have what they need sometimes you do just have to go without.

Outbutnotoutout · 09/08/2021 10:45

I guess the children belong to you both 50/50, you have them 50/50, so all finances should be split 50/50.

That said if I earnt a lot more, I would suck up more of the costs

ReginaGeorgeIsAFuglySlut · 09/08/2021 10:49

Wow I am from Australia and things are quite different here, unless you have a private maintenance agreement. If you collect through the child support agency both parents income and care percentage are taken in to account when deciding on the cost of things. This is to maintain the child's standard of living as best it can. It is not perfect but seems a lot better for the kids.

Herja · 09/08/2021 10:51

I think it's fair enough. I have my DC 60/40 in my favour. ExH would rather 50/50 (the children would firmly not, so I don't back down), as such I claim no maintenance (no maintenance is a major reason in his desire for 50/50 so this stops court...).

I am a student on student finance. He has a professional role and a very well paid partner. Their household income is around 8x mine. I pay for everything on my days, he pays for everything on his days. Uniform is split to the closest quid. School shoes we take in turns. Extra curriculars he picks he pays for, mine I pay for. Childcare he needs, he pays for and vice versa.

I make bloody sure that it is a pretty even split, but if he is paying half (or near half), then I really don't see it as an issue. It's my choice to be a low incomed student, my choice to have the kids with me despite a low income, my choice to be the only adult in my household and my choice how I spend my cash. His choices are his and I don't see why either of us should benefit from the other.

mewkins · 09/08/2021 10:58

@ReginaGeorgeIsAFuglySlut

This makes sense. I can't understand why anyone would want there kids to experience such disparity depending on which parent they are staying with.

Also I think some people who earn quite a lot more than 25k a year don't really understand that every month will feel like a juggle of budgets etc. He won't be 'maintaining a lifestyle', more like hoping another bill doesn't come in to wipe out any buffer he has. He should get to decide whether to provide a cheaper packed lunch. As many families get to decide.

MiddleParking · 09/08/2021 11:00

Am I unreasonable to think a more equitable solution would be for it to be even losely proportionate to income?

The thing about separating from a partner and having 50/50 care is that there’s no expectation of an ‘equitable solution’ as far as your disposable income goes. Lots of the information you’ve given in your post sounds like things that would have been legally recognised had you been married, but sounds like you weren’t - like lots of women do, you’re now seeing the consequences of that. I can understand the argument that you’d have more money available for things for the kids if she contributed more to the existent costs, but if I was her my response would be okay, as long as every penny you reduce your contribution by goes towards things to directly benefit the children.

sofiegiraffe · 09/08/2021 11:11

I can't understand why anyone would want there kids to experience such disparity depending on which parent they are staying with.

Me neither

maryberryslayers · 09/08/2021 11:12

YABVU, stop trying to get out of paying for your own child. 50/50 care equals 50/50 split of costs. It's completely irrelevant what she, or her partner, earn. Why shouldn't you do the admin for 3 things in his life, you are his parent.

Getawaywithit · 09/08/2021 11:17

I agree, OP. It’s totally unreasonable that where there is a discrepancy in income, both parents are paying the same. It should be in proportion. Unfortunately, this forum thinks 50/50 is the only acceptable way to bring up a child post-separation. I really don’t understand why. Makes no logical sense.

Isababybel · 09/08/2021 11:18

Nope, 50/50.

RedMarauder · 09/08/2021 11:19

OP if you can't afford the 50/50 cost split for extras like swimming lessons then you need to say so. However if you do, you can only talk about the other parent's income not their partner's. The partner's earning are nothing to do with your child.

However you must cover half of the basic costs e.g. uniform, shoes plus their costs the days the child is with you e.g. school dinners, childcare.

NothingIsWrong · 09/08/2021 11:21

Could you ask her to administer the school meals account and just send a packed lunch on the days he's with you? I find packed lunches to be significantly cheaper - mine have school dinners because they like them and it is much easier for me, but I can definitely make 5 lunches a week for less than the £11.50 the school ones cost.

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