Page 2 | AIBU to think contribution to child should be proportional to income?

Getawaywithit · 09/08/2021 11:24

you must cover half of the basic costs e.g. uniform, shoes plus their costs the days the child is with you e.g. school dinners, childcare

Must?

Says who? There is no legislation for this. Neither parent can be compelled to pay anything. I have split time with my ex on a 50/50 basis and paid 100% of childcare, uniforms, haircuts, shoes, school lunches etc etc etc .

Way too many people with absolutely no clue.

NoSquirrels · 09/08/2021 11:30

Two parents equally responsible for the children they have together.

50-50 care therefore equals 50-50 costs.

It might be nice if your ex picked up more of the incidental stuff to help you out- but they’re under no obligation to.

Splitting costs proportional to income would be riddled with pitfalls (one person earns less but has only 1 DC, the other earns more but went on to have more DC etc).

You had a child together, you now pay, support and raise the child together. That’s fair.

Kithic · 09/08/2021 11:39

@Aliceinunderland

Do you pay maintenance? If not, everything else is irrelevant. You and your ex partner are each 50% responsible for your child.

If the child is 50 50 then why would op pay maintenance?

Original poster

Ulltiger · 09/08/2021 11:48

@ReginaGeorgeIsAFuglySlut

Wow I am from Australia and things are quite different here, unless you have a private maintenance agreement. If you collect through the child support agency both parents income and care percentage are taken in to account when deciding on the cost of things. This is to maintain the child's standard of living as best it can. It is not perfect but seems a lot better for the kids.

This seems a much fairer way of dividing things and ensuring a more balanced experience for the child(ren) moving forwards in life, which is surely the most important thing here, is it not?

I'll be honest I guess I'm a little surprised at how many people are very insistent that everything should be 50/50 regardless of any circumstances but I guess that's why I posted, to get a feeling for what is the norm out there in similar situations.
Also I wasn't wishing to imply that her new partners income should be included in anything, I'm not that naive to think it would be, it was just added for context.

For additional context we were married but split was done more or less 50/50 upon divorce with little, to no, recognition of the fact that I effectively gave up my career to look after our son whilst she progressed hers. That was partly down to me wanting to extricate myself from an awful situation and put it all behind me as soon as possible. In hindsight foolish of me to agree to that and maybe in some way I'm looking to redress that a little now. Which I'm sure will be a red rag to a bull for some ;-)
My point I guess to those saying costs should be 50/50 is that she's in the stronger financial position now, because I helped enable her to be there during our marriage, if I hadn't it'd be more of an even footing now. Does that count for anything, or not? I'm guessing not :-)

OP posts:

sofiegiraffe · 09/08/2021 11:57

My point I guess to those saying costs should be 50/50 is that she's in the stronger financial position now, because I helped enable her to be there during our marriage, if I hadn't it'd be more of an even footing now. Does that count for anything, or not? I'm guessing not

It does when a woman posts about being your situation. I'm guessing you'll (wrongly) get different responses simply due to your sex.

I agree entirely with you. Like I say, I earn more than my ex and always have done, so my relative contribution to our child's upbringing reflects that disparity. Over the years, if I'd insisted on 50/50 for all costs, there are many things I'd have had to say to my daughter sorry you can't do that school trip / activity / hobby etc because your dad can't afford to pay half. Why would I do that? If I've got the affordability and it would enhance her life in some way, then I'll pay for it. Makes no difference to her which proportion is coming from which parent.

pianolessons1 · 09/08/2021 12:01

Your solicitor should have addressed that during the divorce. If they didn't, you may have a claim against them.

ChunkySloth · 09/08/2021 12:03

@Ulltiger

Hello all, I'm looking for advice and thoughts on the following scenario, me and my ex share care of our son 50/50. Despite her earning at least 3 times what I do (£75k last I knew and she's got another job since then, so likely more) she expects everything split 50/50 cost wise. The latest thing being school meals when he starts back in September. Am I unreasonable to think a more equitable solution would be for it to be even losely proportionate to income?

Not that im counting it into anything but for context she has a partner and I don't, so household incomes are vastly different. Also if relevant a little background, when we were together at one point we had a similar wage, she then did a degree, which I supported her in, running the household, looking after our son (feeding, getting ready, dropping off/picking up from nursery, bathing etc) so she could focus on that. After that her career took off, she worked away a lot, so again I was doing all of the above.
Even now I'm the one who regularly reads with him and helps him do his homework.
I also administer the childcare account, his swimming lessons etc and she's proposing I also administer the school meal account, which I feel almost obliged to do because if I don't our child will probably not eat! That's not sour grapes on my part, just a fact :-)

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If you were still together the line on here would be that you both contribute to the family pot proportionally, so that should stand now imo.

Were you married? Seeing as you supported her through education and did the bulk of the home work, presumably at a cost to to your career, can you get spousal maintenance from her?

NoSquirrels · 09/08/2021 12:03

My point I guess to those saying costs should be 50/50 is that she's in the stronger financial position now, because I helped enable her to be there during our marriage, if I hadn't it'd be more of an even footing now. Does that count for anything, or not? I'm guessing not :-)

It counted at the point you got divorced. Unfortunately, as you chose not to fight that battle then, these are the consequences now. Sorry.

FlyingRabbitsAtNoon · 09/08/2021 12:16

I don’t think there’s anything you can really do about it but I do agree with you actually. In any split, I think the focus should always be on doing the best for the child - it’s not about which parent wins or loses. If you have to split all other costs 50/50 the child loses out on other optional things that you could otherwise afford - for example having to pay 50/50 for swimming, school meals, etc means you potentially not having anything leftover for day trips out when the child is spending half their time with you.

Herja · 09/08/2021 12:20

I was a SAHM while ExH persued first a degree and then a professional career. I still think 50/50 is fine in my case - I gave up a job, not a career and could walk back in at the same (low paid) level whenever I choose (but it's badly paid, so I'm retraining). I do think things like that should be ironed out in the divorce settlement, rather than hanging over everyone until the kids are 18 though, regardless of each seperated partner's income at the start and end of the relationship.

I can certainly see that 50% payment to a high earning ex's choices would be galling. I make every decision I pay for and don't contribute to ex's decisions and the same for him. Would that work for you? Eg ExH feels DS needs a monthly haircut so he pays; I feel DD should go to a proper salon, so I pay. He feels they should have 1 to 1 coaching in a sport - he pays. He wants them to do a club - he pays, I want a different one so I pay. We each pay for/provide the kids school lunches as we see fit. I plan a birthday party, I pay; he plans one, he pays. The only cost we actually split and pay half each towards is school uniform, beyond that, each parent decides depending on their own budget. I admit I would be pretty unhappy with ExH arranging stuff and sending me a bill for 50%.

Herja · 09/08/2021 12:28

Also, check if these accounts can be split. My DC have 2 accounts with school for meals, clubs, afterschool payments. One for Ex and one for me. I direct them to him if I am chased for his payments. I also direct school to Ex if homework/reading is not done on his time and they complain to me. Direct medical things on his days to him. Once I had forced an actual, real split of the parenting drudge work, it felt much more fair. Forcing this split only worked when he realised I wouldn't cover for him, he would be blamed entirely and I would ensure everyone knew exactly whose fault it was.

Getawaywithit · 09/08/2021 12:30

It counted at the point you got divorced. Unfortunately, as you chose not to fight that battle then, these are the consequences now

When it comes down to it, whether the OP chose to 'battle' for more money at the point of divorce is neither here nor there. At best, it would put him on an equal footing housing/pension wise with his ex but it doesn't allow for long-term bringing up of a child. Spousal maintenance is rare and even rarer where a parent is capable to going out to work. What matters here is discrepancy in on-going income which is not something a divorce judge can account for on a day to day basis. It's more the longer term stuff after a long(ish) marriage.

I genuinely can't get my head round the 50/50 thing where there is a discrepancy in full time income (different if you make a choice not to work full time or can't work because of disability, illness etc.). If half of a married couple posted that her 4 x her income earning partner was demanding a 50/50 split of child related costs, there would be cries of abuse and LTB. That doesn't change because a relationship has broken down.

JustLyra · 09/08/2021 12:33

Have you spoken to CMS?

50/50 care doesn’t automatically mean no maintenance when there’s a large disparity in income.

Original poster

Ulltiger · 09/08/2021 12:35

@sofiegiraffe

My point I guess to those saying costs should be 50/50 is that she's in the stronger financial position now, because I helped enable her to be there during our marriage, if I hadn't it'd be more of an even footing now. Does that count for anything, or not? I'm guessing not

It does when a woman posts about being your situation. I'm guessing you'll (wrongly) get different responses simply due to your sex.

I agree entirely with you. Like I say, I earn more than my ex and always have done, so my relative contribution to our child's upbringing reflects that disparity. Over the years, if I'd insisted on 50/50 for all costs, there are many things I'd have had to say to my daughter sorry you can't do that school trip / activity / hobby etc because your dad can't afford to pay half. Why would I do that? If I've got the affordability and it would enhance her life in some way, then I'll pay for it. Makes no difference to her which proportion is coming from which parent.

Controversial comment regarding what sex I am ;-) It puts me in mind of during our divorce my solicitor telling me that if anything were to go to court in terms of our son then I would very likely be on the losing side, just because I'm male, despite the fact I was very much the primary carer in the relationship. So basically get what you can agreed out of court, not that either of us wanted to go to court of course!

Fair comments regarding your daughter being able to attend activities, hobbys etc. I think you've hit the nail on the head about what I'm driving at. It's at that point for me, I will always contribute as much as I can and go without myself for my son. I can't remember the last time I went out for a night out, for example. I don't have takeaways, only buy new clothes when others wear out, etc, etc, like many others. I wouldn't have it any other way to spend as much time with my son as I can and allow him to experience as much as possible.

OP posts:

Tiredlawyer · 09/08/2021 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Ulltiger · 09/08/2021 12:38

@JustLyra

Have you spoken to CMS?

50/50 care doesn’t automatically mean no maintenance when there’s a large disparity in income.

No I haven't, I was led to believe 50/50 care automatically meant no maintenance, regardless. I shall try speaking to them in that case.

OP posts:

Potatoy · 09/08/2021 12:39

Have you tried talking to CMS and going down the maintenance route.

Potatoy · 09/08/2021 12:39

Cross posted. Worth a try if you genuinely think the current set up is unfair.

FOJN · 09/08/2021 12:40

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to think that your ex would pay more towards your child's expenses given the large disparity in earnings.

I could be wrong but at least one poster has assumed you are male and I wonder if that is influencing the responses, I couldn't see anything in your posts which confirmed that.

MauveMagnolia · 09/08/2021 12:42

Are you claiming child benefit? She won't be eligible and that would help with costs?

Xenia · 09/08/2021 12:43

have you had a divorce financial "consent order" or are your divorce finances still open and not yet agreed? If you had one exactly what does it say about costs for children? Did you ahve a clean break as regards the marital finances/supporting each other such as spousal maintenance? There are are the crucial intial legal questions and whether the divorce was under English law.

Eg our consent order said I the wife earning 10x the lower earner but full time working husband had a clean break and I pay 5x sets of school fees and cost of full time childcare no matter who the children live with (the law is very unfair to high earners even when career NOT enabled by spouse)

Candydreamer · 09/08/2021 12:44

yeah I agree with you but my partner is pretty decent and if we split, if I was the higher earner, I wouldn't want to imagine him struggling to afford some school dinners just so I could say it was 50/50. Seems pretty petty and also a possibility our children could miss out because one of their parents couldn't afford to go 50/50 across the board.

Wolframhart · 09/08/2021 12:45

Another country, our split is based on both time and income. It also explicitly includes actual child care costs in the calculations since that is the biggest cost for a young child.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/08/2021 13:25

i can't understand why anyone would want there kids to experience such disparity depending on which parent they are staying with how far do you take that logic- should the richer parent subsidise the poorer parents holidays?

sofiegiraffe · 09/08/2021 13:28

@FOJN

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to think that your ex would pay more towards your child's expenses given the large disparity in earnings.

I could be wrong but at least one poster has assumed you are male and I wonder if that is influencing the responses, I couldn't see anything in your posts which confirmed that.

OP has confirmed he is male in his most recent post.