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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh needs to man up here right?

28 replies

Mumoftwoinprimary · 08/08/2021 23:42

PIL are nice. I get on with them and the kids adore them.

They live just over 2 hours from us. They have both been very ill over the last year or so meaning that we haven’t seen them since Xmas 2019.

Dh and I have a few days off work. We thought about going to see them but neither of them are really well enough to deal with having house guests. They said that when dh discussed it with them.

So we came up with a brilliant plan! Found a lovely hotel about half an hour away. Gorgeous restaurant, nice big pool (both kids are swimmers), lots of fun activities nearby. If in laws are well then we can go by and see them for an hour, a meal, a day, whatever. If they are not well then we will be absolutely fine swimming in the pool and eating posh afternoon tea. We have plenty of money so this isn’t a big deal for us financially.

Except silly dh decided to run it by them before we booked it. And now MIL is saying that maybe they are well enough for us to come and stay. (FIL was tellingly quiet during the conversation.) And of course we don’t need to spend our money on a hotel when they have 2 spare bedrooms.

And now dh doesn’t know what to do.

They aren’t well enough for house guests. Particularly two kids who they will want to play with. And, more selfishly, I was rather looking forward to the lovely hotel and afternoon tea.

Dh needs to act like the man in his 40s that he is and just be blunt here doesn’t he?

OP posts:
Jasmine11 · 08/08/2021 23:44

Just tell them you've booked it and it's non refundable?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 08/08/2021 23:44

Blame the dc!! Say you have promised them now and it's unfair to change the plans!! Surely they won't want to let them down?
Even if they don't care about pissing you off!!
Grin

Jasmine11 · 08/08/2021 23:44

No need for any drama or 'manning up'.

Suzi888 · 08/08/2021 23:46

A little context- Why aren’t they well enough? How old are your … children? Unless your taking goats Grin

54321nought · 08/08/2021 23:48

YABU to say "man up", totally toxic phrase

Original poster
Mumoftwoinprimary · 08/08/2021 23:52

@54321nought

YABU to say "man up", totally toxic phrase
Good point. He needs to “adult”. Because we are adults.
OP posts:
AntiHop · 08/08/2021 23:55

Stay in the hotel. Your dh must tell them this.

ThinWomansBrain · 08/08/2021 23:57

Two hours away - i understand not going for family visits, but have you /DH not offered any support if they are that unwell?
I agree with pps- say the hotel is booked, done deal, and carry on as planned.

Original poster
Mumoftwoinprimary · 09/08/2021 00:03

@Suzi888

A little context- Why aren’t they well enough? How old are your … children? Unless your taking goats Grin
The health thing is complex. They are both in the middle of treatment for unpleasant but (hopefully) not life threatening conditions. One of them is in pretty awful pain at times. The other has severe vertigo. They are both better than they were. There is light at the end of the tunnel. But on any individual day there is a good chance that (at least) one of them will not want to do anything more energetic than sit on the sofa.

The “children” are both primary age. They are pretty good but it will undoubtedly end up like this:-

Dd:- Nana, do you want to play monopoly with us?
Me:- I think Nana is feeling a bit poorly, shall we play?
Nana:- Don’t be silly - Nana is fine - of course I want to play.

Three hours later - Nana collapses with exhaustion after monopoly marathon.

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 09/08/2021 00:05

Tell them the hotel is booked for this time, but you'd love to stay with them soon if they're feeling up to it

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/08/2021 00:08

Book the hotel & invite them for afternoon tea?

MabelTheCow · 09/08/2021 00:12

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Book the hotel & invite them for afternoon tea?
This
Original poster
Mumoftwoinprimary · 09/08/2021 00:14

@ThinWomansBrain

Two hours away - i understand not going for family visits, but have you /DH not offered any support if they are that unwell? I agree with pps- say the hotel is booked, done deal, and carry on as planned.
We’ve tried! They said no. SIL lives 2 miles away and has also tried. Apparently she was being “very interfering”. (She dropped them off a casserole.)

18 months ago FIL was still doing 50 press ups a night. They were international umpires for a sport until recently. They can’t cope with the idea that they need help.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 09/08/2021 00:16

In 18mths neither of you have visited? I’m more surprised by that than your hotel dilemma.
Also, it’s up to you as the adult to say ‘we shall just play for one hour’ or that’s enough Nana is tired.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/08/2021 00:22

@HerMammy if parents have said no visits even SIL who lives nearby, then it is hard not to abide by their wishes, especially if they were concerned re COVID.

I would tell them hotel is booked, spend some time with them in their house, and invite them to dinner/afternoon tea at the hotel too

Summerbreeze4 · 09/08/2021 00:24

Have you considered that they might have felt obliged to offer for you to stay and it might be a relief when you confirm that next time you would love to stay but this time you all have been looking forward to a hotel treat.

notangelinajolie · 09/08/2021 00:29

How old are they? From your posts I'm thinking they are in their 80's and in which case I would not think YABU reasonable at all.
However, just saying ... I also have severe vertigo and it really isn't an age thing. Nor does it stop me from being a normal human being. Once I'm up and vertical I'm fine 😋

Sleepingdogs12 · 09/08/2021 00:49

What about each child having a night with grandparents as a treat?

TwoLeftElbows · 09/08/2021 00:53

Yup it's all booked, kids are looking forward to the pool, there will be other times. Thank you, yes we know we're welcome, but we've booked the hotel this time. DH could frame it as your holiday, or blame yourselves - oh I know you'd be fine Mum but this will save me worrying.

I'm not sure being blunt or "manly" is the answer. More firm, clear and positive.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/08/2021 00:55

@Sleepingdogs12

What about each child having a night with grandparents as a treat?
If they're not well enough for visitors, they're not well enough to babysit young children overnight. I don't think it would be a treat for anyone.

He can tell them that you and he got confused about who was doing what, and it's been booked now, so..

Suzi888 · 09/08/2021 05:20

Just visit them, say the hotel is booked now. Perhaps next time you’ll stay, provided they’re both up to it.

Original poster
Mumoftwoinprimary · 09/08/2021 13:06

Good news! The hotel is booked!

Dh hasn’t actually broken the news to PIL yet (and technically we could cancel until the day before) but this feels like we are doing the sensible thing.

Thanks for the advice - brain was churning with it last night but getting it all out really helped.

Now to book the “treetop adventure”!

OP posts:
justasking111 · 09/08/2021 14:03

Ah you will have less stress doing this the adult way

memememe · 09/08/2021 14:13

the hotel sounds amazing, can you share the details please? my kids would love it!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/08/2021 14:17

Oh yes I’d like to see the hotel too!

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