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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I being overly sensitive tonight?

34 replies

Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 08/08/2021 22:54

I don’t drink at all, I don’t think it’s that uncommon but some people seem to find it surprising or odd, but doesn’t matter what they think.

Apparently a colleague of my partner’s, she was saying to him, “Really? She doesn’t drink?! So you’re the only one who gets drunk?”
Then once I ordered a non alcoholic drink from the bar they worked at, and she said “here’s a cocktail’ and laughed.

I went to the bar with my partner tonight where he works, he got quite drunk. I was drinking coke, at one point he came over with something alcoholic in a small glass and said ‘here you go, try this’ and I could see the colleagues looking at me and laughing. I asked what was funny and didn’t really get why they were laughing and looking at me but my partner said they weren’t.

I am quieter than him and he’s very outgoing, especially when he’s drunk he can get quite ‘lairy’

There’s someone who’s a writer there who’s quite successful and I write as a hobby. My partner has said in the past I should talk to him and he’s right. He says I should talk to people more in general which I agree with.

This writer was there and my partner and his two colleagues were at the bar. My partner was gently nudging my back and saying ‘talk,talk!’

I felt embarrassed, he was then trying to push me in the direction of the writer and saying ‘go on, talk to him’

He was saying the ‘talk’ in front of other people and I felt a bit embarrassed and like some sort of puppet.

Outside I told him that I understood but that I’d appreciate him not doing that. He said he knew it was forceful but he was trying to help.

It’s a separate issue from the drinking thing but maybe I’m embarrassed about that too.

Once at a waffle bar I said to my boyfriend I wonder how they make the bubble ones. He said, you should ask the waitress. Again it became the same thing, go on, ask, ask, go on. Not stopping until I did.

I find when people do that it just puts me on the spot. I think with regard to the talking thing, I was stood at the bar too, trying to join in and I was maybe quiet, but there’s nothing stopping his colleagues from talking to me either.

OP posts:
yacketyyak · 08/08/2021 23:00

Yanbu
I fucking hate how so much of our culture revolves around drink.
Baby is born... wet it's head
Christening... get pissed
Holy communion.... get pissed
Wedding.... get pissed
Funeral.... get pissed
Birthday, Christmas, Easter, new year.... it's all so tedious and what's worse is the attitude that there is something wrong with you if you're the one not drinking. No!! There's something wrong with you Janet if you can't go to the opening of an envelope without having a bloody drink!!!

LawnFever · 08/08/2021 23:01

Your BF sounds irritating tbh, I’d have been annoyed being told to ‘talk, talk’ too.

You’re a grown adult, you don’t need telling who to talk to, and it’s really not that unusual not to drink alcohol, they all sound very childish.

CeceJoyce · 08/08/2021 23:12

I don’t really drink, it doesn’t bother me what other people think about it but everyone does seem to have an opinion on those who don’t drink. As if it’s the only way you can have fun.
I think your boyfriend is acting a bit childish after a few drinks, he obviously wants you to speak up a bit more but that’s not for him to decide. If you’re a shy and quiet person then that’s who you are. Maybe when he’s properly sober tell him not to do that anymore. As for the colleagues they sound so immature..

PinniGig · 08/08/2021 23:14

Your boyfriend sounds a bit of a dick. It's not a you problem.

My daughter is 23yrs old and doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs and has never been in the least bit interested. She will at best if she's going wild and stir crazy maybe have a couple glasses or Rose or Pimms and lemonade but otherwise she's soft drinks and cappuccino in pubs and restaurants.

It's amazing how many people seem unable to grasp that she doesn't drink and she's just finished a late shift at the local shop pissed off because of customers getting a bit arsey with her for not knowing certain brands of cigarettes, alcohol and even her colleagues do that stand back, head tilt and smirk “You don't even do the lottery???”

She is also a quiet, reserved – not so much shy but not one that enjoys or appreciates being pushed into the limelight and made to look and feel centre of attention.

With age and experience she has learned to handle people pestering and badgering her to be more forward just by eventually getting annoyed enough to huff and say “Will you get fucked and leave me alone?”

Far too much does revolve around drinking and doing what is deemed socially the thing to do. If it's not for you and you're happy to be out socialising minus the drinking then fair play and all credit to you for at least not feeling the need to be in with the crowd and do what you'd rather not.

Your boyfriend is the one person that should have your back and not make you feel even more pressured whether he's drunk or not.

So no you weren't being overly senstitive.

phishy · 08/08/2021 23:19

I can’t quite tell if you partner’s intentions are genuine, but he comes across as pushy and a bit of a buffoon. You need to have a chat with him, just be short, sharp and clear that he needs to stop.

ThinWomansBrain · 08/08/2021 23:25

Is he a dickhead when he is sober as well?
even if he is, why stay with someone who appears to have so little respect for you?

LittleMowf · 08/08/2021 23:25

@yacketyyak

Yanbu I fucking hate how so much of our culture revolves around drink. Baby is born... wet it's head Christening... get pissed Holy communion.... get pissed Wedding.... get pissed Funeral.... get pissed Birthday, Christmas, Easter, new year.... it's all so tedious and what's worse is the attitude that there is something wrong with you if you're the one not drinking. No!! There's something wrong with you Janet if you can't go to the opening of an envelope without having a bloody drink!!!
Totally agree. For my last birthday I got three or four ‘gin o’clock’ or Prosecco-themed birthday cards (and I don’t drink!) It’s always a nice gesture to send a card but there’s so much merchandise around alcohol it’s ridiculous - cushions and prints with gin or wine slogans, so weird.

And YANBU, your boyfriend sounds annoying and his colleagues sound immature. It’s none of their business what you do or don’t drink

phishy · 08/08/2021 23:27

@yacketyyak

Yanbu I fucking hate how so much of our culture revolves around drink. Baby is born... wet it's head Christening... get pissed Holy communion.... get pissed Wedding.... get pissed Funeral.... get pissed Birthday, Christmas, Easter, new year.... it's all so tedious and what's worse is the attitude that there is something wrong with you if you're the one not drinking. No!! There's something wrong with you Janet if you can't go to the opening of an envelope without having a bloody drink!!!
Well said!
Whatinthelord · 08/08/2021 23:28

The drink thing is out of order. So he was trying to trick you into Sri king alcohol even though he knows you don’t drink it? Is that right? If so I’d be livid with that.

The talking thing is also annoying. To give him benefit of the doubt maybe he was trying to help, in a very misguided and annoying way.

Overall no it’s doesn’t sound like you were being Sensitive at all.

user1473878824 · 08/08/2021 23:30

I don’t really understand what you not drinking has to do with it, as in these are two separate issues. People trying to make you drink are arseholes and people trying to trick you into it are even bigger arseholes. What are they, 12?

With your boyfriend pushing you to talk to the writer, is the problem that he was pissed and being a prick about it? And did you talk to the writer!

That waffle thing… well did you ask and get your question answered? While I’d get annoyed about that very quickly I’d also put my foot down and say no, I don’t want to ask her. I’ll google it, please stop going on.

Suzi888 · 08/08/2021 23:34

Well he’s drunk, he’s then irritating. End of. I do drink, I love a drink! But if you aren’t drinking, then you realise how annoying drunk people are. You can’t reason with drunk, so there’s really no point trying to!
YANBU.

clpsmum · 08/08/2021 23:35

@yacketyyak totally agree with you. At a loved ones funeral
Recently and a family member "thought it was really bloody weird" when a young g man said he'd say a prayer for her. She didn't bat an eyelid when several
People told her they'd have a drink for the deceased/raise a glass for the deceased

HollowTalk · 08/08/2021 23:42

Go and talk to the writer next time you see him. It's always really nice if someone comes up to talk to you about your work, if they are really interested in it.

I'd get rid of the boyfriend then. He sounds a complete idiot and he mixes with Idiots as well.

Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 09/08/2021 07:02

Sometimes I wonder if he would prefer me to drink, even though I’m not going to.
He brought me over a can of low alcohol cider and was saying try this, I think you’ll like this, and kept jokingly making me try to drink it but I didn’t.

In the past I was cheated on for a girl who drank a lot, smoked, did drugs etc and was very into partying.
The thing is I hate being hungover, and I feel like some of these men expect you to be into partying then at the same time be a size 8 and look amazing etc but that wouldn’t work for me.

OP posts:
Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 09/08/2021 07:03

I did speak to the writer and he was very polite and kind.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/08/2021 08:15

@Stuffedcrustpizza1

Sometimes I wonder if he would prefer me to drink, even though I’m not going to. He brought me over a can of low alcohol cider and was saying try this, I think you’ll like this, and kept jokingly making me try to drink it but I didn’t.

In the past I was cheated on for a girl who drank a lot, smoked, did drugs etc and was very into partying.
The thing is I hate being hungover, and I feel like some of these men expect you to be into partying then at the same time be a size 8 and look amazing etc but that wouldn’t work for me.

By this boyfriend?

Anyway, he's childish and I think you could do better

StoneofDestiny · 09/08/2021 08:20

Dump the boyfriend.

Why does anybody think they are more interesting to be with when they are drunk?

Whatinthelord · 09/08/2021 09:02

@Stuffedcrustpizza1

Sometimes I wonder if he would prefer me to drink, even though I’m not going to. He brought me over a can of low alcohol cider and was saying try this, I think you’ll like this, and kept jokingly making me try to drink it but I didn’t.

In the past I was cheated on for a girl who drank a lot, smoked, did drugs etc and was very into partying.
The thing is I hate being hungover, and I feel like some of these men expect you to be into partying then at the same time be a size 8 and look amazing etc but that wouldn’t work for me.

Sounds like he treats you like a child. Very odd.
DinosaurDiana · 09/08/2021 09:04

Why are you putting up with a partner who seems intent on making you do something you don’t want to ?
He sounds like a knob and you’d be better off without him and his juvenile friends.

Stuffedcrustpizza1 · 09/08/2021 12:48

He insists they weren’t laughing at me but when he brought me this drink I saw the two colleagues watching me and laughing so what was I supposed to think.

I’ve never drank in the year and a half I’ve been with him, I asked him this morning if it bothers him that I don’t drink and he said no. However when we’re in pubs or the supermarket he points at alcohol and says he think I would like this or that drink, or asks if I would consider low alcohol drinks, then last night in the pub without me asking he bought me a flavoured cider as apparently I’d like it, even though he knows I never drink. I feel like he wishes I drank.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 09/08/2021 15:55

@Stuffedcrustpizza1 can you tell him you hate it and tell him you want him to stop or it will be a big issue for you? I feel like he needs to realise you won’t take it from him on an ongoing basis. You shouldn’t have to keep restating that. It’s not a big thing to respect someone’s choice not to drink.

DinosaurDiana · 09/08/2021 15:57

It’s bordering on abuse to be honest.

Ckzoaa · 09/08/2021 18:35

My best friend doesn't drink and we've been out together hundreds of times and always had great times. I've never pushed her to drink as I know she doesn't like it and I think it is really abusive what your partner is doing to be honest.

AlternativePerspective · 09/08/2021 18:50

This attitude to drink really pisses me off.

Even on here I’ve seen threads from posters saying they wouldn’t want to go out with a non drinker/would find it hard to be friends with people who don’t drink. It says far more about them than it does about the non drinker. Seriously if someone can’t have a good time unless all around them are drinking they need to take a long hard look at themselves.

I am teetotal, when I was younger it was because I didn’t like the taste. People used to say to me when going out that it would be cool to spike my drinks so they could see what I was like when I was drunk. Twats.

Now even if I wanted to I can’t drink because of my heart condition and associated medication. Even now I’ve had scathing comments from people talking about “the teetotaller,” etc. It’s pathetic.

But IME people who have a problem with people who don’t drink generally do so because of how much they do drink. If it’s only them who are drinking to excess, then they’re showing themselves up for the twats they are.

Youmightrabbityoumight · 09/08/2021 19:02

It seems like the issue is the people you are hanging out with rather than you not drinking. How old are you all?. The people laughing at you sound like 12 yr Olds & you boyfriend sounds like a drunken idiot. Find yourself a better circle & I bet you will find you not drinking is no longer an issue.

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