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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Avoiding the bloody competitive parent trap on holidays...or at least trying!

70 replies

Upsidedownworld2021 · 08/08/2021 18:45

Am I a lazy parent for just wanting to hang out at home with my daughter??
Do you take your children out everyday?

I'm a single mum and she's is a lovely girl, 13 years old and happy to stay at home with me. She reads, plays with the dog and computer games with friends online. We cook together and she does some chores too. She also goes with her dad too but she is mainly with me at home.

Overwhelming pictures from friends showing everyday activities or expensive trips make me feel guilty, selfish, etc.

And I'm sorry but those dull walks under rubbish weather doesn't sound appealing to me and yes we did that too.
Aibu or it seems like mostly everyone is always doing things and never wants to admit to letting their kids just stay at home?
I'm glad if I'm not the only one so please tell me what to do with your teens these days?
Some days it's just hard to find the motivation to go out. Thanks for reading

OP posts:

irresistibleoverwhelm · 08/08/2021 21:57

It changes over time, too! When she’s an older teenager she might end up being out all the time with friends - why not enjoy her time with you at home now. 13/14 is a difficult age, especially for kids who like home and family and aren’t in a huge hurry to grow up just yet. If she wants to potter at home, why not?

I was a homebody but also spent a lot of my time reading and thinking, chilling out over the summer after all the forced activity and social interaction of school all year. Introverts especially need that downtime. (I remember a glorious summer holiday aged 14 when I just sat in the garden reading the complete works of Georgette Heyer - wonderful stuff, total fluff but why not!)

There’s nothing wrong with downtime and even with a bit of boredom. It’s good for us and gives us essential headspace. We don’t actually need constant stimulation. When she’s grown up and working and can’t spend an hour away from her phone without her boss emailing with some work, she’ll probably look back on quiet times pottering with you and chilling out with great fondness! All that lovely unhurried time!

PumpkinPie2016 · 08/08/2021 22:02

There's nothing at all wrong with staying home as long as you and your daughter are happy. Kids need down time as much as adults do - I sometimes don't want to go out every day either.

My son is younger and we were fortunate enough to be on holiday for the first two weeks (got back on Fri). The weather has been rubbish this weekend so we haven't been anywhere. He has enjoyed playing minecraft, playing with his toys and just chilling with us.

EllaPaella · 08/08/2021 22:03

My boys have always wanted to stay at home
in the holidays to play out with their friends. Eldest is 19 now but he was happy out on his bike or playing football on the field or similar from being 9 all the way through to the end of high school and my 10 year old is the same. They would much rather be playing out with their friends or round each others houses than having countless days out.
Of course we do have the odd day trip and we have a dog and live by the sea so we are out at the beach most days but apart from our actual holiday next week we haven't really done anything that costs money so far over the summer holidays.

Purpleweeks · 08/08/2021 22:06

There's a middle ground here. You don't have to go out every day and spend loads of money but equally staying in every day isn't really healthy

JustLoveYourselfALittle · 08/08/2021 22:06

I have a friend who posts online.. Wonderful day doing xyz. Manic as always etc
Relality is. 9/10 days she's at home and her boys and husband game and she sits on fb.
She openly admits that to me when we visit.
I do go out most days even if it's to local park for 30 min. Or walk to the sweet shop. Because if. I stay in more than a day my MH suffers. I need a focus..

ilikecheesecake · 08/08/2021 22:56

my two are younger but we do do something out of the house each day sometimes free sometimes not. We like days out. The kids thrive in the fresh air and enjoy walks and bike rides, at home all they want to do is watch Tv/ play on games which they still get lots of chances to do as there are many hours in a day but I hate having to sit in with them doing that all day and all they do is argue so we like to get out daily even if it's just a few hours.

ilikecheesecake · 08/08/2021 23:01

@EllaPaella

My boys have always wanted to stay at home in the holidays to play out with their friends. Eldest is 19 now but he was happy out on his bike or playing football on the field or similar from being 9 all the way through to the end of high school and my 10 year old is the same. They would much rather be playing out with their friends or round each others houses than having countless days out. Of course we do have the odd day trip and we have a dog and live by the sea so we are out at the beach most days but apart from our actual holiday next week we haven't really done anything that costs money so far over the summer holidays.

Oooo id love to live somewhere where mine could play out with friends all day. there the sort of kids who would play out morning to dusk if they could. Would save me a fortune on days out too.

EmeraldShamrock · 08/08/2021 23:04

My DD would prefer to stay in every day she is not very confident. I believe experiences outside the comfort zone helps we do about 8 day out activities over the summer holidays, not to cringe FB making memories but for genuine memories, we done nothing as DC each day rolls into another.
Don't let what others do upset you unless you're worried you're not doing enough.

MintyGreenDream · 08/08/2021 23:06

I make sure I take ds out twice a week minimum in the holidays.Seaside,playdates,go to the park etc.Doesnt have to be expensive.

Whatinthelord · 08/08/2021 23:20

I go out a lot because I find it hell staying ag home.
Mine argue constantly and we don’t seem able to spend a whole day at home in a relaxed way.

I’d love to be able to chilll at time. Maybe other find being out easier too? And some find being in easier.

LadyCatStark · 08/08/2021 23:25

@Namechangeforthis88

Oh aye, we went bowling the other day with another family, then the boys played the arcade games. Apparently the best bit of day was going back to the other family's house so their kid could help DS write a list of characters in Halo.

DS (12) just got back from an awesome camping trip with my parents to Scarborough. His highlight was seeing a middle aged woman ask to speak to a manager in McDonalds on the way home 🙄.

tttigress · 08/08/2021 23:29

I hate social media for this reason.

I have after catching myself "showing off" a few times, the only things I post are really important life events, and liking and positively commenting on other people's life events.

youdoyoutoday · 08/08/2021 23:42

Best sentence I ever read on this site is

"comparison is the theft of joy"

Are you happy? Is your DD happy? Deep down do you honestly really give a fuck about those posed, insta photos when you know the family in real life and know that's not how they are??

C'mon OP, you know better than that! X

pinknail · 08/08/2021 23:43

This reminds me of a friend in a what's app group (met when pregnant stayed in touch but rarely see each other).

The one mum only ever messages when she has been somewhere with Freddy and she wants to show off pictures of their day. Other than that- no messages! Sometimes there is an obviously can't be bothered half hearted response to another child's activity which her child obviously did last year...

I think it's about your daughters wishes. Does she want to go to a park with mum in tow? Is she quite content at home- she sounds it!

DeflatedGinDrinker · 09/08/2021 00:22

Yanbu. I know for a fact my family do more than my friends family I just don't post it on fb where as she has to tag herself in everytime she leaves the house. Think it's an attention thing and it makes her feel like a good mum for some reason.

ShitPoetryClub · 09/08/2021 06:40

My only concern would be if she is moving enough? Presumably you/she walks the dog? So she is getting some sort of physical exercise and fresh air?

Soubriquet · 09/08/2021 06:49

We can’t afford to go out even if we wanted to

So we’ve been spending a lot of time at home but we’ve done some baking, and gone to the park

LemonRoses · 09/08/2021 06:58

Defia middle ground to be had. Six weeks of bumbling around doing nothing much isn’t ideal for education or wellbeing. It’s fine sometimes. At thirteen there is a whole world to explore and learn from.
I would want some structure and balance in their lives at such a young age. Not hugely expensive tennis clubs maybe, but opportunities to learn, to exercise, to be curious, to enjoy the wider world.

theleafandnotthetree · 09/08/2021 11:31

@LemonRoses

Defia middle ground to be had. Six weeks of bumbling around doing nothing much isn’t ideal for education or wellbeing. It’s fine sometimes. At thirteen there is a whole world to explore and learn from. I would want some structure and balance in their lives at such a young age. Not hugely expensive tennis clubs maybe, but opportunities to learn, to exercise, to be curious, to enjoy the wider world.

Totally agree with this. It's about balance. And there is a subtle implication from some here that parents doing stuff with their kids are partly (mostly?) motivated by the the SM bragging rights. Some might be but mostly intentions and motivations are good in my experience. I for one am not on any social media and no one knows what the hell I do with my kids unless it comes up in real life conversation.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/08/2021 11:34

It's fine if you're both happy. But equally, some people are bored shitless at home and are going out because they enjoy it, not because they want to enter into some sort of 'competition' with you

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