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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Avoiding the bloody competitive parent trap on holidays...or at least trying!

70 replies

Upsidedownworld2021 · 08/08/2021 18:45

Am I a lazy parent for just wanting to hang out at home with my daughter??
Do you take your children out everyday?

I'm a single mum and she's is a lovely girl, 13 years old and happy to stay at home with me. She reads, plays with the dog and computer games with friends online. We cook together and she does some chores too. She also goes with her dad too but she is mainly with me at home.

Overwhelming pictures from friends showing everyday activities or expensive trips make me feel guilty, selfish, etc.

And I'm sorry but those dull walks under rubbish weather doesn't sound appealing to me and yes we did that too.
Aibu or it seems like mostly everyone is always doing things and never wants to admit to letting their kids just stay at home?
I'm glad if I'm not the only one so please tell me what to do with your teens these days?
Some days it's just hard to find the motivation to go out. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
naughty40me · 08/08/2021 19:31

I'm feeling rubbish today. I'm on a very low income and have no transport.

I'd love to be able to book a caravan somewhere but it's just not possible.

I'm hoping to do a day trip this week on the train, and a few more local things like cinema etc over the rest of the holidays.

The first week I was skint, last week we were isolating.

Teen daughter has tried to meet up with friends today but they are all away on holidays.

I avoid looking at Facebook, it makes me feel crap.

thecatfromjapan · 08/08/2021 19:32

I like hanging out in the house with my children.
I like days out when they're organised for me.
I don't really enjoy organising things for the family - it's hard work and stressful. I have a great deal of respect for those that do organise things.

So, my conclusion is that you should just be happy that you get on well with your daughter, that the two of you enjoy the relaxed pleasure of interwoven time and being-together.

And you should be happy for other people and their ways of finding pleasure and togetherness.

The world glitters with difference - that's part of its glory. Let the difference be;don't annihilate your happiness by trying to force sameness, and likewise, don't diminish the joy of others by judging it as less than yours.

Just exhale in the knowledge that you have something treasurable in the comfortable amity you and your daughter share. 💐

Di11y · 08/08/2021 19:34

We've done pretty much all free stuff so far (except childminder 2 days a week), apart from swimming.

My girls are only 4&7 so I do try to get them out to the park etc but they're happiest at home pottering, baking, craft etc.

I did feel I wasn't doing enough when spoke to a school friend who'd done two theme parks and various soft play etc. But happy not to spend the money.

likeafishneedsabike · 08/08/2021 19:35

But what happens about physical exercise, OP? It all sounds nice and low key, but how are you making sure that she has enough fresh air and physical exercise?
I mean, with certain kids you have no choice but to wear them out or your life as a parent will be a misery. But even with the ones who are happy and content at home, isn’t a minimum of an hour per day of physical exertion essential for their health?
This is the bit I don’t get about parents who say that their kids don’t leave the house every day.

User135792468 · 08/08/2021 19:38

Whilst pottering at home is nice, I do think it’s lazy if you don’t bother to take her out a couple of times a week for something fun (money permitting). You can go shopping, for lunch, cinema, theatre, coffee, swimming, theme parks, beach, museum etc. There’s so much to see and do in the world. Nobody is saying you should be out all day every day but come on! Your daughter doesn’t know any better/different. You do!

kaleidoscopeheartless · 08/08/2021 19:38

I think it depends what kind of kids they are. My eldest is a home body but my youngest two love being out and about socialising. We have done some days out but they are also happy to play with the kids on the street.

dustofneptune · 08/08/2021 19:45

I think it totally depends on what your daughter actually WANTS. Have you asked her? :)

When I was growing up, and even as an adult, my mom never took us anywhere (I didn't care), but my Dad had this idea that he needed to constantly force us to go on days out. And they were/are always to places we have zero interest in going. Historical sights, because he thought we "should" learn history. Computer stores, because he wanted us to share his interest in computers. Sightseeing, when all we wanted to do is go shopping and sit outside cool cafes.

Forget what other people are doing. What about if you ask your daughter IF she wants to have a special day for just the two of you, say once a month, or once a fortnight, or whatever? And ask her what she'd like to do, if anything?

Honestly, I'd way rather have had an actual meaningful relationship with my parents growing up than forced days out. Being able to have real conversations and really know each other, share openly, communicate openly, etc., is really what makes for a strong parent/child relationship.

Howmanysleepsnow · 08/08/2021 19:47

So far we’ve been to the beach twice, the water park, lake swimming, canyoning, a fort, kayaking and out for lunch 5 times, dinner 3 times. But… those were all on holiday.
Before our holiday we went paddle boarding once and on several dog walks.
All that’s planned for the rest of the holiday is a fast boat trip and 2 birthday parties for younger family members.

Turnitoffandon · 08/08/2021 19:50

Your DD is super-lucky. My 13yo struggles to entertain himself when not on his laptop, and I think it's because I forced so many activities onto him when he was younger.

Bin85 · 08/08/2021 19:53

Growing up in the Sixties and with a disabled sister we didn't do much outside the annual holiday - first went to a swimming pool age 7 .

Neverrains · 08/08/2021 19:53

We go out most days but I never post it on social media so people probably think we never do anything Grin. My 3 kids are young though and staying at home is neither relaxing nor pleasant (DH still having to work from home which doesn’t mix well with a 7, 6 and 2 year old) so we don’t have much choice. I’d love a few days pottering at home, enjoy it OP!

Hankunamatata · 08/08/2021 19:54

Meh. I have loads photos during our two week holiday that probably look swanky. But home now for the rest of the time

theleafandnotthetree · 08/08/2021 19:56

@dustofneptune

I think it totally depends on what your daughter actually WANTS. Have you asked her? :)

When I was growing up, and even as an adult, my mom never took us anywhere (I didn't care), but my Dad had this idea that he needed to constantly force us to go on days out. And they were/are always to places we have zero interest in going. Historical sights, because he thought we "should" learn history. Computer stores, because he wanted us to share his interest in computers. Sightseeing, when all we wanted to do is go shopping and sit outside cool cafes.

Forget what other people are doing. What about if you ask your daughter IF she wants to have a special day for just the two of you, say once a month, or once a fortnight, or whatever? And ask her what she'd like to do, if anything?

Honestly, I'd way rather have had an actual meaningful relationship with my parents growing up than forced days out. Being able to have real conversations and really know each other, share openly, communicate openly, etc., is really what makes for a strong parent/child relationship.

I agree with much of what you say but the point of actively doing things with our children is not JUST to build relationships, it's also to expose them to things like history/social history, nature, etc. to give them a chance to try a new activity maybe like kayaking, to give them a broader perspective, etc. I don't think we should only do things within our children's confort zones or in response to pre existing interests. I dread to think whaf we would do (or not do) with my 14 year old son if it was based only on what he wanted to do.
Starlightstarbright1 · 08/08/2021 19:57

I think age is very much context- much younger yes

Now- he is 14- i made him leave the house with me to go to the library and Aldi one day , i have sent him out on a couple of bike rides, and he has been out with friends twice. That is in two and a half weeks

GiveMeAUserName123 · 08/08/2021 19:57

You might like staying at home but I doubt your teen does.

Nothing wrong with not going out everyday, but staying in all the time is also not great.

Balance is key, we go out 3 times a week on school holidays and once a week when at school.

Philandbill · 08/08/2021 20:19

I don't think that you are at all unreasonable. We do lots of days at home, it's too expensive to be out all the time unless you go to the park or for a walk constantly. DD1 is an older teen and organises meets with her friends and is dressmaking and making things for her Etsy shop. DD2 is the same age as your DD and has spent the last few days designing and making a board game from scratch, listening to audio books, practicing her piano pieces and reading. Her two sports go on through the holidays so she's done those too. Teens need some down time too, they've had a hard year.

Philandbill · 08/08/2021 20:21

And I removed myself from Facebook because I found it very depressing and I felt inadequate. Comparison is the thief of joy etc

gogohm · 08/08/2021 20:26

I took mine out a lot because they did my head in with the non stop bickering and fighting at home, by 13 though I went out with the dog and left them to squabble at home alone!

Upsidedownworld21 · 08/08/2021 20:34

True. I think she needs more exercise although is slim girl but anyway lack of exercise worries me...

EinAugenblickBitte · 08/08/2021 20:35

Your daughter sounds lovely OP Smile

billy1966 · 08/08/2021 20:36

My teens wouldn't entertain outings.

They would meet friends.
They would be taken to lunch.
They really like to hang out.

We have a lovely holiday home and they would rather stay at home and have a free house with friends over, than join us most of the time.

They are goid kids, I don't push it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/08/2021 20:38

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship. As long as you both get out for a while each day for a bit of sunshine (🤣), what you’re doing is fine.
I never looked at social media and we were happy at home with the occasional day out too.

Upsidedownworld21 · 08/08/2021 20:40

Thank you. She is a lovely girl and my best companion 💕

I've just book tickets for the cinema.

It so helpful to read all the comments and have some feedback.

Sootybear · 08/08/2021 20:52

I used to drag my two teens camping every year just for a few days. Luckily SM wasn't a massive deal then, but if I had posted photos I might have got one when they were both smiling! They probably would have rather stayed at home but I was determined to enjoy my break awayGrin We laugh about it all now. Don't worry, if you are both having a nice time, you are definitely doing something right.

thecatfromjapan · 08/08/2021 20:56

Honestly, if you have that kind of close relationship with your child, it's just a joy.