Sister wanting to stay in our house

[Emrew05]

So my sister lives 100 miles away, moved away when she got with her husband. We get on well and what not but don't spend a massive amount of time together. We just don't gel together for long periods, our parenting views differ etc. Quick bit of a back story. My sister isn't known for a well kept house and things often mysteriously break when she borrows them... so we recently moved house. Our new house has a bigger garden and more living space. When my sister and her family came to see the new house one of the first things she said was that they had been talking about us and them doing a "house swap for a weekend". She described it as an air B&B style scenario. It felt a bit on the spot ish and after they left DH and I both agreed we don't really fancy it and it just felt odd. She now knows that we are going camping for the weekend and is asking when we are going (I'm guessing so she can ask if she can stay in our house while we are away). DH said he'll happily just tell her straight that he's not comfortable with it but they are more than welcome to stay to spend time with us. AIBU to want to make up an excuse to avoid the awkwardness of that (is it awkward or am I over thinking it?!)

Thanks for taking the time to read! 😊

I don't even have people stay when I AM there lol!
Too much hassle cleaning and changing beds, buying in food, staying awake talking shite for hours etc. etc., plus selfishly it interferes with my private ways. So I don't anymore. Close family all live around, for close friends I pay for a night or two in the little hotel down the road for them. Win win.

I would personally be horrified to have someone in my home when I was away. Too much opportunity for snooping and messing the place up. No one has had the cheek to ask though!

I might sound odd or selfish, I don't really care anymore.

Don't be fucking Ridiculous would be my response. The End

I don't even have people stay when I AM there lol!
Too much hassle cleaning and changing beds, buying in food, staying awake talking shite for hours etc. etc., plus selfishly it interferes with my private ways. So I don't anymore. Close family all live around, for close friends I pay for a night or two in the little hotel down the road for them.

Same here OP. I don't do sleepovers in my house. There are some good hotels in my village.

speakout,

Glad to see I am not alone! I refuse to stay with friends when in their area either, although they are much more hospitable and welcoming than I am!

Much prefer to do my own thing and not to have to worry about dribbling on their pillows or waking them up going to the loo in the night, or sleeping late and not realising the rest of the house has been waiting for me to surface for ages ha ha.

They know what I am like, and are probably secretly delighted too!

My SIL stayed while we were away once. Her carpenter DH "fixed" the dining room door. It's never shut properly since. On those grounds, say no

Going to go against the grain here, but I would happily let my equally messy sister use my house for a weekend. We have a lovely home, but just because my sister is messy in her own home, I don't think she would come and trash mine - particularly within the space of a weekend. I'm finding your argument that stuff she borrows mysteriously breaks a bit thin as a reason not to let her use her house.

Ultimately it's your house so your right to say no, but just seems a bit mean to me.

veeeeh

Absolutely- when we visit family some distance away I also prefer a nearby hotel.

Nope

You tell her "No" and that's all you need to say. All these pp suggesting ridiculous excuses, just ignore that nonsense. You're an adult, you don't need to make excuses for anything.

@MBM18

Definitely don't make excuses otherwise she'll keep asking and you'll run out of them. Just say no and be honest with your reasonings, however awkward it'll be 😬

Always makes me laugh how some of us feel awkward saying no to cheeky requests but the person asking has no shame! (Don't worry OP, I am the person who feels awkward saying no too!)

I'm a shameless people pleaser that hate confrontation....totally right about the irony of the situation!

Thanks for the replies everyone, I think I just need to toughen up! I know she will take offence at anything that us honest so I'm essentially just trying to passify everyone!

‘No, I don’t want to’, is a good enough answer.

I wouldn’t try to pacify anyone trying to stay in my house!

Very true! 😊 thank you

Oh and those who mentioned a spare key, not to worry there isn't one. Only me and DH have one! Phew! 😄

@Emrew05

Thanks for the replies everyone, I think I just need to toughen up! I know she will take offence at anything that us honest so I'm essentially just trying to passify everyone!

Glad PPs replies have been helpful. It doesn't matter if yourDsis takes offence. She is asking for something that you don't want to do. It's your house, your family hole and your stuff and leave of mind whilst you are away . Just because Dsis thinks up something in her head, it doesn't mean you have to go along with it! If she "takes offence" then she has issues nor you. You are allowed to say "no thankyou" anytime you want. I'd encourage you to do it more,

@HilaryBriss

I don't think you need to make up an excuse, just say no and explain that you don't want anyone staying in your house while you are not there.

This.

Don’t give a reason or “excuse”. You don’t need to justify why you don’t want someone in your house when you’re away.

Don’t avoid it by making up excuses because she’ll just pressure about another weekend. It’s good for her to know you have and can hold boundaries.

Ultimately it's your house so your right to say no, but just seems a bit mean to me.
Don't be ridiculous, it's not 'mean' to not want folk staying in your house when you're not there.

Ultimately it's your house so your right to say no, but just seems a bit mean to me.

Define 'MEAN' ?

My sister isn't known for a well kept house and things often mysteriously break when she borrows them

OP stated clearly ... so would you seriously let someone who lives like this... carte blanche in your new home.. because I call bull shit.. It always amazes me how generous people are with 'other' people things... 😳

You sound nuts

Yanbu - i wouldn’t let anyone stay in my house if I wasn’t there. I never understand it when people do house swaps. Couldn’t stand people snooping through my stuff ! I’d tell her straight.

Many years ago my BIL was going through a rough patch with my SIL who lived in NZ. We offered for BIL to come over and stay with us if he was going to end the relationship and wanted a break. He ended up patching things up with her but then asked if he could bring her over so they could have a working holiday whilst living with us. They expected us to discount their board for 6 months so they could fund trips and getaways. For context we don’t get along with SIL (the whole family have a strained relationship with her) . We politely declined and said that if they wanted to come over together they needed to fund their own place (just like we had) and we would let them stay for 2 weeks whilst they found a place. The offer was only extended to BIL to help him out in a time of need.

Moral of story is that although it can be socially uncomfortable or awkward to be assertive you do have to suck it up and just say no. If the person reacts rudely to you declining then they didn’t value or respect you as a friend or family member.

YABU to want to make up a pathetic excuse that she won't believe anyway.

Leave it to DH, as you're too much of a wimp.

@Emrew05

I'm a shameless people pleaser that hate confrontation....totally right about the irony of the situation!

That's why she's asked you! She's got a tougher skin than you think so say No clearly, however nicely, so there's no room for her to negotiate.

BTW saying "no" is a useful life skill and gets easier the more you do it. 🌹

@WeightlossBarbie

Many years ago my BIL was going through a rough patch with my SIL who lived in NZ. We offered for BIL to come over and stay with us if he was going to end the relationship and wanted a break. He ended up patching things up with her but then asked if he could bring her over so they could have a working holiday whilst living with us. They expected us to discount their board for 6 months so they could fund trips and getaways. For context we don’t get along with SIL (the whole family have a strained relationship with her) . We politely declined and said that if they wanted to come over together they needed to fund their own place (just like we had) and we would let them stay for 2 weeks whilst they found a place. The offer was only extended to BIL to help him out in a time of need.

Moral of story is that although it can be socially uncomfortable or awkward to be assertive you do have to suck it up and just say no. If the person reacts rudely to you declining then they didn’t value or respect you as a friend or family member.

wow... good on you for saying No .. ☺️

I know PPs are right that no is a complete sentence etc.

IRL I would be tempted to go with something like "absolutely not, I'd have to do a tonne of cleaning and tidying to make it guest ready, I really can't do all that extra work on top of camping." She'll say oh but you don't need to, you say you would inevitably would for any guests, and it's just not an option on top of prep for camping. Point out and reject the extra work, rather than her. But then, I am a sap.