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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I as stupid as he has made me feel

40 replies

stupidasusual · 07/08/2021 22:36

Just followed a young lad on our way home for a few miles he had no back lights on his car at all was a dark blue colour so hard to see his car in the dark and quite frankly really unsafe, he finally pulled over so I could tel him and my Dp has made me feel really stupid about it, he said he's probably on drugs and he doesn't care for people like I do, it's stupid to follow someone like that etc he's made me feel absolutely stupid was I in the wrong ? The lad clearly has only just started driving and yes he should have noticed but he didn't

OP posts:

MotionActivatedDog · 07/08/2021 22:39

Does it matter what your DP thinks? You thought it was important to tell the driver about his lack of lights, so you did. Have faith in your own feelings and decisions.

Mosaic123 · 07/08/2021 22:39

I think you were very kind. Definitely not stupid. Maybe a bit too kind as he could have been aggressive.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 07/08/2021 22:41

You might have saved that boy’s life - a large vehicle could easily have ploughed into the back of him. Your DP is one of those people who’d rather not be embarrassed than be right. Dick.

I think a lot of these incidents are caused by cars having daylight running lights on all the time - drivers can see lights in front so forget they need to actually switch lights on at night.

Original poster

stupidasusual · 07/08/2021 22:41

It does matter what he thinks in a way because he was driving and I asked him to follow until we could tell him, he's made me feel so silly and like I'm wasting his time, had I of been on my own I would have still followed him to make sure he knew incase he didn't, to me that's somebody's human and I wouldn't have forgiven myself if something had happened ( car crash ) and I didn't tell him

OP posts:

Original poster

stupidasusual · 07/08/2021 22:43

@MrsTulipTattsyrup I get the impression I embarrass him quite a lot when I try and help others

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 07/08/2021 22:43

Why didn't you just flash your lights at him? Or flash, then turn your own off and on for a bit until he realised?

MotionActivatedDog · 07/08/2021 22:43

The fact your DP was driving and followed the car so you could tell them about their lights tell you what your DP really thinks about the idea.

Original poster

stupidasusual · 07/08/2021 22:45

@HollowTalk flashed several times with no luck
@MotionActivatedDog he didn't do it happily he was quite stroppy and said a few words that made me feel quite uncomfortable and like I was asking for the world

OP posts:

Original poster

stupidasusual · 07/08/2021 22:47

He has quite often said to me when I've asked if we can get a homeless person food " why would you buy them food they've clearly made themselves homeless and in that state " !

OP posts:

MotionActivatedDog · 07/08/2021 22:47

said a few words that made me feel quite uncomfortable

What did he say?

Sarahlou63 · 07/08/2021 22:48

What a prince among men! And his good points are??

MotionActivatedDog · 07/08/2021 22:48

Fwiw if someone makes you feel like this regularly- stop giving them the opportunity. By removing yourself from their presence. Permanently.

GCAcademic · 07/08/2021 22:48

@stupidasusual

He has quite often said to me when I've asked if we can get a homeless person food " why would you buy them food they've clearly made themselves homeless and in that state " !

I don’t think you’re the stupid one in the relationship.

Original poster

stupidasusual · 07/08/2021 22:49

@MotionActivatedDog things like " why would you want to tell him that, he's stupid not to know probably off his head on drugs " made the boy out to be scum rather than look for the good in someone who may have not realised

OP posts:

BetsyBigNose · 07/08/2021 22:50

I'd have done the same as you OP.

Your DP doesn't sound very nice, whereas you appear to be very kind. I know that I would be very unhappy if my DH laughed at me when I tried to help someone.

Sarahlou63 · 07/08/2021 22:50

BTW, you are not stupid. You are kind, thoughtful and a good person. Think you should know that.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 07/08/2021 22:52

Does your kindness and generosity also mean you might give crappy bfs too much of your time when it's actually time to look for better?

Eviethyme · 07/08/2021 22:53

I passed My driving test in December and bought a land rover some man had to stop me 2 mins from my house quite late at night and tell me I had no front lights on. I embarrassingly told him I didn't know where They were because I thought they came on automatically. Ruined my confidence a bit but he did a good deed as it was dangerous.

Notimeforaname · 07/08/2021 22:59

I've asked if we can get a homeless person food

Wait..why do you even ask him if you can?

Why do you not just decide you want to buy something and do it. Cant you say ''I'm just going to get some food for that homeless person''

Notimeforaname · 07/08/2021 23:00

But you were not being unreasonable for being kind and looking out for others! You sound lovely! But very unsure of yourself.

Original poster

stupidasusual · 07/08/2021 23:00

@Notimeforaname I don't have an income at the mo ( Sahm ) so if I want to buy something I'd need to ask for the bank card

OP posts:

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 07/08/2021 23:06

You sound like a really lovely, caring person OP, so please don't let your totally selfish DP make you feel silly in any way. To me, he sounds like the sort of person that you really don't need in your life, as he's obviously deflating you, and making you doubt your own instincts, which perhaps makes him feel superior, but is not a nice way to behave toward someone you're supposed to care about. Ditch him and find someone more on your wavelength, he's not a nice person.

cathcath2 · 07/08/2021 23:09

So you have no access to money of your own? What if you need anything for your LO when your DP isn't there? Where is your child benefit paid? Sorry OP I kno that is not the point of the thread but that really concerns me.

Original poster

stupidasusual · 07/08/2021 23:10

@cathcath2 child benefit goes into my account so I do have that, he never Denys me money and will always transfer it over if I ask for it and wil sometimes ask me if I need money

OP posts:

VenusTiger · 07/08/2021 23:13

@stupidasusual I'm a full time SAHM mom too - but that means I run the house too, which also means my husband trusts me with paying the bills and buying stuff for myself, the family, food shopping, spending on our son etc. - we have a joint account - it's called a partnership.
You should not be 'asking' for money/bank cards as that's basically him knowing what you're spending the money on - that's controlling OP.
He either trusts you to be the mother of his child and his wife or he doesn't - you need access to money so you can do your job - as that's what it is, a job, 24/7.

He sounds very selfish and in a bubble, that's not a great role model as a father, teaching your child to walk around with blinkers on judging ppl. I've seen many young drivers drive away from carparks without headlights on - they're just not wise to the car yet - your DH sounds like a twat tbh.

Stop 'asking' and start telling.

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