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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To constantly think about an ex from many (many) years ago?

29 replies

Ijustlovethem · 07/08/2021 18:34

Over the past year (so likely coinciding with the monotony/difficulties of lockdowns etc) I just haven't been able to stop thinking about my ex boyfriend from when I was 15/16/17. We were together for over 2 years, he was very much my first love and was the boy I lost my virginity to. We broke up before we both left for uni, but met up/had sex a few times over the next couple of years/flirted over text constantly during my year in Spain.

I'm currently 38 and have been happily married for a decade with 3 young children, all under 8. I've been with my husband since uni and he was my next serious relationship after my ex. We are happy I love him - though things are a little dull at the moment.

I just cannot stop thinking about my ex - both sexually but also just imagining a life that could've been, to the point i think it is impacting my real life. I chose to move to London with my now husband post-uni, but just can't help but feel if I'd moved back to the city I'm from, I'd have ended up with him eventually. I've always been someone who daydreams and lives in my head, but at the moment I'd sometimes rather be in my head than in the real world. He isn't a user of social media really, but I cant stop searching him, just to find out what he is doing now. Does anyone else do this? How do I stop - when I'm not even sure i want to?

OP posts:

HideousKinky · 07/08/2021 18:47

I think it is easy to romanticise about "what might have been" when real life is feeling a little dull and flat. In your head it can be just perfect because it never happened, reality never crept in!

Perhaps you should consider why you are having such thoughts and why your current life feels less than satisfying?

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 18:49

Most of us have phases of thinking about an ex in the way you describe. You are not going to act on it, ie initiate a meeting, it is just in your head.

It won't last forever, is merely a bit of escapism and you cannot help your thoughts.

It would be far more dangerous if you were fantasising about someone you know now such as a colleague or friend.

The past and what might have been can often seem attractive.

The chances are if you bumped into the guy you would no longer find him attractive.

You haven't actually done anything wrong and maybe talking about it on here will help you to see it in proportion.

notanothertakeaway · 07/08/2021 18:57

It's one thing to idly wonder "What if?" from time to time. I expect most people do that.

But I don't think it's healthy to have it constantly on your mind. That's not fair on your DH. Stay committed to him, or move on. But it's not fair for him to be second best

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 07/08/2021 19:01

I wouldn't say that my first love is constantly on my mind, but I do think about him a lot. We are back in touch, sporadically as our paths don't really cross, but share the occasional update on life or joke about current affairs.

Original poster

Ijustlovethem · 07/08/2021 19:29

Thanks for the comments. I think if feels unexciting because we are knackered, working stupid hours because we've constantly had at least one child (often 2) at home isolating since last October (plus all of the lockdowns before that), and it is all just a bit relentless. But we have a decent sex life, we are really close and there is nothing particularly wrong in our relationship - we talk to each other a lot, we are affectionate outside of sex. I guess it is just easy to escape in to the relationship of carefree 16 year old me during my first love. And my feelings for my ex feel real - even though I don't know him know. I think what is on my mind more is knowing it was my decision not to go back there with him all those years ago, when he made it clear it was what he wanted.

@JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue - do you still think about your ex in the same way even though you are still in touch with him now?

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Original poster

Ijustlovethem · 07/08/2021 19:31

@Plumtree391 - he is an objectively very attractive man, so I would definitely still be attracted to him. Weirdly he looks quite similar to my husband so I clearly have a type

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LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 07/08/2021 19:37

Exes are exes for a reason.

Maybe it was a question of timing but you still split. You can daydream all you want, but is it helping? I suspect you're remembering something that isn't accurate.

I've certainly done it. When l saw one of mine unexpectedly l couldn't see the attraction at all. The fact he was a platform guard didn't help.

Original poster

Ijustlovethem · 07/08/2021 19:51

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 no it isn't helping at all, I think it is just making me distracted from my actual life. But it is nice to dream. I have always done this about different things - I can live whole, very specific scenarios in my mind and just carry them on for ages. What I'm remembering about our relationship won't be accurate (erm...the sex we had at 16/17 certainly won't have been that great..) but in my imagination we are so much further on than the relationship we had then. I'm not just wistfully looking back, I've weirdly created a whole life we haven't had in my mind.

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dina10 · 07/08/2021 19:55

I think it's normal. Some feelings just come back. I think it's ok to give yourself time to feel what you're feeling and remourn the loss of the old relationship. Feelings aren't linear or under our direct control, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over having them.

Over time you will probably eventually stop thinking about it so much. See how you feel in a year. Things aren't going badly in your current relationship, so it's likely more about your latent or existing feelings for someone else than a reflection of your current relationship.

Maybe you should think more about the other parts of your life this person represents for you, like the chance to live in your home town or not live in London, because your feelings about the ex may be tangled up in feelings about the kind of life you think you would have had with him.
Maybe there are parts of your old life that you miss that you don't have to miss, like being closer to home or family or whatever else the idea of him might represent to you.

MrsBobDylan · 07/08/2021 20:10

It's a sliding doors thing isn't it? What if I had stayed with him, where would I be living, what would I wear, would I have kids?

I think you are just giving yourself a chance to explore who else you might have been and inject some excitement into your life.

I daydream a lot about being a version of me who is quiet and mysterious. It's enjoyable to try out an unachievable version of me (I am chatty and smiley).

In my daydreams I become a spy who has hot sex with hunky one night stands who fall in love with me . I am a heart-breaker who will never settle down.

Just enjoy your dreams op.

Original poster

Ijustlovethem · 07/08/2021 20:22

@dina10 - you may have hit the nail o the head. I've been talking to my DH for the past 2 years about moving to my home city (or his, they are really close) for the past 2 years and he won't entertain it. He loves London and his job here.

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Original poster

Ijustlovethem · 07/08/2021 20:23

@MrsBobDylan - maybe I need to focus on daydreams that don't involve people I know/have known!!

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EstuaryBird · 07/08/2021 20:29

I’m 66 and constantly think about the boy that I dumped in 1972. I have no idea why I dumped him because he was a great boyfriend…..I guess it was just being 17 and a bit stupid.

I guess it’s just thinking back to being young and happier times 😔

iZombieMom · 07/08/2021 20:49

I could have written that post word for word almost!! I used to have such vivid dreams about my first love when I was pregnant. It would be like mourning the relationships end every time I woke up.
It use to occupy my thoughts constantly. My ex was never on social media and I would like you still search.
I even kept my mobile number the same for years just incase he’d ever get in contact again. It sounds so lame now and I don’t even think I would have been that happy if I stayed with the ex. I guess it was all a bit more exciting and life was relatively easier when we were 16, life gets a bit relentless with young children and mortgages etc.
I do occasionally think of him now but never ever as all consuming as it was. Much more melancholic thoughts.
Enjoy your daydreaming if it makes you happy

Chickoletta · 07/08/2021 20:58

@dina10 has given really wise advice here.

I sometimes find myself thinking about things and people from my past wistfully but have realised that it generally happens when I’m in a bit of a rut for whatever reason. I just go along with the thoughts without worrying about it and know that it will pass.

BashfulClam · 07/08/2021 21:18

Yes a boyfriend from 17 years ago who broke my heart. I’m married, he’s married (went a a bit of a Facebook stalk) my husband is lovely but I can’t stop thinking about it and even cried a bit a few months ago which is weird as I have definitely moved on. I don’t want to think about him as he doesn’t deserve my time.

Original poster

Ijustlovethem · 07/08/2021 21:42

I think maybe the rut is right. I enjoy the dreaming but fear it is stopping me getting out of the rut. But maybe it will just calm down over time and I should enjoy it for what it is

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Original poster

Ijustlovethem · 07/08/2021 21:44

@EstuaryBird I think easier times rather than happier times. My happiest times have absolutely been with my dh, not my ex

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Original poster

Ijustlovethem · 07/08/2021 21:48

@BashfulClam isn't it weird how things just hit you? I wasn't actually massively heartbroken at the time we broke up, and there was no animosity. It just came to an end as we got busy with a levels and seeing friends and knowing we'd be in totally different places. It was a natural but very friendly end, and actually I supposed just phased out a bit over a couple of years after 'the end'. Right now though, if I could visit my former life, I would be there in a second. Though that is more about my life then, rather than just him. I think @dina10 has really nailed me down!

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dustofneptune · 07/08/2021 21:49

It's likely you're just bored. I'm a dreamer too. I live in my head a whole boatload. And I've never had more crushes than I've had over the last 18 months of lockdown. Right now I have a crush on someone, and today we hung out. I looked at her body language - normal, friendly, feet in a neutral position, neither towards me nor away from me. And I thought... yeah, she just sees me as a friend. But when you have a fantasy in your head, it's way too easy to fabricate an entire story about it.

Most likely scenario is that you'll eventually get busy and caught up with life again, at some point, and you'll realise the fantasy has slipped somewhere. It will just pass.

You can also use it as an opportunity to reflect on your current situation and determine which areas you're happy with, and which you aren't.

mindlingwire · 07/08/2021 21:53

Do you have any idea what became of him OP? Have you searched him up on Facebook? Is the curiosity part of why you're thinking of him now.

mindlingwire · 07/08/2021 21:59

Oh and by the way I'm not suggesting to search him online, that's probably not a good idea.

Frazzledmummy123 · 07/08/2021 22:11

"I guess it is just easy to escape in to the carefree 16 year old me during my first love".

I was just about to come on here to say something to this effect. I think as much as you love your husband and it is him who you want to be with, it is also with him you have all the adult responsibilities and all the joys of getting older, etc. Whereas you were with your ex when life was more carefree and you were younger with more energy and less responsibilities, so it is perfectly natural to reminisce and in your thoughts revisit that part of your life again as a form of escapism.

I confess to thinking of my ex too from my carefree uni days of partying and going out with him, however I find I do it when I am stressed. When I do think about him, I don't do it in a 'I want him back' type of way, I think I more enjoy the release from the stress of every day life in my thoughts.

I would advise maybe trying to destress as much as you can where possible, and keep yourself busy. I try to do this and it does help.

EstuaryBird · 07/08/2021 22:51

[quote Ijustlovethem]@EstuaryBird I think easier times rather than happier times. My happiest times have absolutely been with my dh, not my ex[/quote]
@Ijustlovethem

My times aren’t particularly great at the moment and I think that’s part of the reason. I was much, much happier then than I am now 😔

Original poster

Ijustlovethem · 08/08/2021 08:04

@midlingwire I have absolutely searched for him Fb is his only social but he doesn't really use it (he actually unfriended me years ago, around the time I got married). But from his friends pics/posts (I'm still online friends with some of them so they pop up on my feed), I do know the town he lives in, but nothing else really, like if he is in a relationship or anything. I wish I did though!

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