To constantly think about an ex from many (many) years ago?

[Ijustlovethem]

Over the past year (so likely coinciding with the monotony/difficulties of lockdowns etc) I just haven't been able to stop thinking about my ex boyfriend from when I was 15/16/17. We were together for over 2 years, he was very much my first love and was the boy I lost my virginity to. We broke up before we both left for uni, but met up/had sex a few times over the next couple of years/flirted over text constantly during my year in Spain.

I'm currently 38 and have been happily married for a decade with 3 young children, all under 8. I've been with my husband since uni and he was my next serious relationship after my ex. We are happy I love him - though things are a little dull at the moment.

I just cannot stop thinking about my ex - both sexually but also just imagining a life that could've been, to the point i think it is impacting my real life. I chose to move to London with my now husband post-uni, but just can't help but feel if I'd moved back to the city I'm from, I'd have ended up with him eventually. I've always been someone who daydreams and lives in my head, but at the moment I'd sometimes rather be in my head than in the real world. He isn't a user of social media really, but I cant stop searching him, just to find out what he is doing now. Does anyone else do this? How do I stop - when I'm not even sure i want to?

@EstuaryBird

I've done this in the past but eventually I grew out of it. I came to realise that I was romanticising this idealised version of my ex and that in reality he had plenty of flaws, and wouldn't have made a good long term life partner. Even if that wasn't the case ,and he had been "Mr Perfect", no one is perfect when you've lived with them for a few years. Eventually there would be all the same little minor irritations and dullness that exist in most marriages.

Plus, and this will sound like a very superficial and not body/age positive thought, I realised that most blokes I found sexy when I was about 18-20 have already aged into normal (often balding) middle-aged men now they're in their 30s. I have nothing against balding middle-aged men, but they're not exactly the hunks I was lusting after in my teens/early 20s.

When I saw a more recent picture of the ex I used to lust after and although he certainly wasn't ugly, he just looked....normal. It helped take the shine off this idealised picture I had of him.

[quote Ijustlovethem]@midlingwire I have absolutely searched for him Fb is his only social but he doesn't really use it (he actually unfriended me years ago, around the time I got married). But from his friends pics/posts (I'm still online friends with some of them so they pop up on my feed), I do know the town he lives in, but nothing else really, like if he is in a relationship or anything. I wish I did though![/quote]
If you don't mind me asking op, how would it make any difference if you knew if he was with anyone or not? If you noticed he is single, isn't that treading on dangerous ground?

This is like the netflix show sex-life.