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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being used by this friend?

44 replies

stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 13:07

A long standing friend of 15 years has behaved pretty badly towards me.

We have had a good, solid friendship for years, over this time each being there for the other, and generally a very decent lovely relationship with lots of shared memories.
For the last few years though something shifted, she continues to come to my house for drinks, lunches, dinner, parties etc but then stopped inviting me to hers. Fair enough. I don't invite friends over to be invited back. After a while though I found out from other friends that she is in fact having lots of dinners etc and she just isn't inviting me, which wouldn't be so bad but she is always telling me (lying to me) that her birthdays are low key this year and she isn't doing anything etc. She is a bit of a networker so I found it hard to believe even at the time. I was really quite hurt, as we have celebrated our birthdays etc together for ten years or more. I let it go, after all it is up to her who she invites.

Fast forward and I had a milestone birthday in lockdown and invited a whole group of great friends to my house for a celebration last weekend. The date was sent out two months in advance, and everyone accepted. It took a long time to organise dinner and drinks, table etc for thirty people and she knows how much work it is to organise these things.

Four days before the dinner she cancelled stating she had something else on, it turned out to be a pizza night with another family. I was obviously really hurt and insulted and told her so. I think it is rude and poor form to cancel a prior fixed arrangement, particularly for a kids pizza night. My friend told me her dd was screaming to go and wouldn't take no for answer, so she felt she had no choice but to go Confused

At this point I discussed the fact I felt our friendship had become uneven over the years, that I seem to be doing all the heavy lifting and I am not keen on continuing as we are. I genuinely can't see the point, and it is making me feel utterly shit, used and abused, and friendships shouldn't feel like this. I have better friends that do not treat me like this.

Now she is inundating me with whatsapp messages telling me that she does care, and that she hasn't had that many lunches or dinners and it is me being over sensitive! Now she has taken to just pretending none of this ever happened, all the while refusing to accept she has hurt me or even apologise for letting me down on my 40th birthday.

I am confused, if she wanted to move on and spend time with other people fair enough, but I don't think that is the case as she messages me now every single day. Yet she seems totally unwilling to actually nurture our friendship, and does not seem to have very much respect for me anymore. To cancel a special occasion at such short notice for a shoddy reason is really unkind. I think she enjoys coming to my house, hanging out with lots of friends and new people etc, but seems to feel entitled to do this without reciprocating.

I think I should let the friendship go? What do you think? What would you do?

OP posts:
Jumpingintosummer · 07/08/2021 13:18

“ To cancel a special occasion at such short notice for a shoddy reason is really unkind. I think she enjoys coming to my house, hanging out with lots of friends and new people etc, but seems to feel entitled to do this without reciprocating.”

You have summed it up yourself, it’s a question of do you want to be treated this way and if not let it go and save yourself the disappointment. You deserve better.

MattHancocksSexTape · 07/08/2021 13:22

Sounds to me that this friendship is more effort than it’s worth.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 13:30

Feels like a big thing to fold such an old friendship over this, but I think she takes me for granted, and worse still I think she knows she does and is seeing how far she can push it. I am fed up with giving all of the time, so I think you are both right. Thank you.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 07/08/2021 14:17

Stop inviting/hosting her and see what happens. She'll either start making more effort or the friendship will die out. Either of those would be a good outcome.

I have seen this dynamic before and what I think has happened is that she now ranks herself higher than you socially, so you are more disposable to get if she gets a better offer (sorry). She's happy to use your hospitality as a networking opportunity but prioritises higher ranking guests at her own soirees.

Her reaction when you called her out (and the fact that she strings you along) is more curious. Possibly she wants to keep you in reserve in case her fortunes change, or maybe she has an image of herself as a nice person and loosely maintaining the friendship helps her believe that fiction.

Sorry OP, I've been in this position and I did give the friend a few chances and as the less charismatic one I was willing to do a bit more of the running but in the end I just felt like I was flogging a dead horse and walked away.

Pottedpalm · 07/08/2021 14:22

Waiting for people to say that her child must come first!!!!
YANBU. Good for you for tackling her about it. I would reply briefly and politely to her messages and see how she behaves moving forward. Back burner for now.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 14:29

I have seen this dynamic before and what I think has happened is that she now ranks herself higher than you socially, so you are more disposable to get if she gets a better offer (sorry). She's happy to use your hospitality as a networking opportunity but prioritises higher ranking guests at her own soiree

As painful as this was to read, I think that is it! She definitely ranks people in that way - and I do not, I see my friends as equals and of equal value. I do not, and would never, notch up my friendships in terms of their level of aristocracy or social net worth. We are good people to know as we are pretty sociable, easy going and supportive, so therefore definitely we make good 'back up reserves' if nothing else Confused

How utterly vile of her. I am even more outraged than before. It was a very honest post honey thank you for that. Its spot on.

OP posts:
Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 14:33

I surprised myself tackling her about it Potting as it was not an easy conversation, but my self respect kicked in and I decided not take any more nonsense from her. There was nothing left to lose so to speak, and I also felt she wouldn't let me 'fade' as she messages me so often.

OP posts:
Doyouknowtheway · 07/08/2021 14:41

I'd be upset that she cancelled and went in to do something else. Just stop inviting her and the friendship will fizzle out and saves any added drama although its great you pulled her up on it, I found that to be the start of the end. It's happened with a friendship of mine and I'm quite sad about it but don't allow yourself to be or feel used. Friends make time for who they want too don't be put in someone's reserve pile and make effort with other friends to take your mind of it. I resonate with Mums who get put in 'keep the kids occupied and socialized' pile, its so shitty while they're happy to come over with their kids, or go on a play date but don't give a second thought in inviting me on a night out or drinks in. They seem not be able to find childcare when invited to something without their kids, but always manage when invited by other friends. Mine are a bit older and maintainting their own friendships I can concentrate on my own friendships over certain friendships of convenience.

Hanab · 07/08/2021 14:42

You called her out now she is embarrassed .. block and ignore .. the friendship has run its course

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 14:51

doyou I knew lots of people like this in school, the ones that would use other parents for babysitting and playdates to keep their kids happy, and use other parents for convenience. It was CF territory. I did not consider her to be one of those types, she was for a while a really great friend until she wasn't any longer. Maybe I stopped being useful to her a long the way....

OP posts:
potter5 · 07/08/2021 14:54

Bin her off.

Doyouknowtheway · 07/08/2021 14:56

Op, you must be upset especially after such a long friendship. If the goodtimes outweigh the bad I could understand why you may keep her as a friend, maybe not as close as before though.

Tooshytoshine · 07/08/2021 14:57

Sorry, it sounds like she would be no great loss if she makes you feel like this. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. She likes you, she enjoys your company but it sounds like she is a tad self centered and uses people as they are convenient to her.

We grow up, we grow wiser. She is not a bad person, just not good enough to be your friend.

MiaRoma · 07/08/2021 14:59

Wow she's a piece of work. Get rid of your nasty manipulative gaslighter 'friend'

MadMadMadamMim · 07/08/2021 15:06

Well done on calling out her poor behaviour. It sounds like you were honest, dignified and actually very clear about how she made you feel.

I agree with honey that she thinks you are always there in the background to provide entertainment if there's nothing better on offer - but that she doesn't need to put any effort into the friendship as it's long standing.

Life doesn't work like that. I'd probably ignore most of the WhatsApps - or simply text, Well I've told you how I felt. We'd probably best just leave it at that and then stop inviting her to anything else.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 15:07

doyou I don't think I can do half way measures with her as she is quite intense. I wish I could, it would be a good solution.
tooshy I don't think she is a good friend to anyone, and definitely not to me. She has made me feel foolish for trusting her so much, and for thinking she actually cared about me.
mia instinctively I feel she is gas lighting, but can't work out how....pretending that nothing has happened and asking about dc etc as if all is well, knowing full well it isn't felt really odd.

OP posts:
iknowimcoming · 07/08/2021 15:08

If it's not causing you distress, I'd be tempted to play her at her own game for a bit and see what happens, let her invite you and don't reciprocate at all, and just see how you feel (and let her see how that feels too for a change). If it's upsetting you though just ghost the bitch!

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 15:08

We share some friends, do you think it will make it difficult for them?

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 07/08/2021 15:11

@stepupandbecounted
Op, look at it this way, you celebrated your 40th birthday surrounded by lovely, genuine friends who actually wanted to be there, while this user friend missed out on a brilliant day AND showed herself up.

Tistheseason17 · 07/08/2021 15:13

You don;t have to make a "thing" of not being her friend.
Just don't invite her to yours and be busy when an invite comes from her.
If mutual friends ask, simply advise, "yeak , our friendship has changed" and change subject. If pushed, advise how she dumped you on your 40th special night out for a kids pizza meal, then say, "I'm sure we'll be back on track in the future"
Very non committal and not negative about the mutual friend. Besides, you'll probably discover many mutual friends feel the same.

Tistheseason17 · 07/08/2021 15:14

*yeah not yeak!

LaurieFairyCake · 07/08/2021 15:14

My best friend of over a decade did something like this to me - cancelled coming to my 40th birthday.

Didn't fancy coming into town for afternoon tea.

We had a very angry phone call where she didn't or couldn't explain it (I'd literally spent fortunes going to every birthday dinner of hers over the previous decade). I had never gone out for my birthday but I wanted to mark my 40th.

We were paying for everyone so it wasn't like she was expecting to pay or anything.

I genuinely think she thought it was a boring idea and couldn't be bothered.

I never spoke to her again.

Doyouknowtheway · 07/08/2021 15:23

Op I too can't do half way measures as I'm quite intense. It sounds as if your friend wants you at her disposal but without making any effort herself.
Your other friends may feel awkward but

If they're happy enough to stay friends with her while she's clearly taking the piss I wouldn't worry too much about them right now. Try not to drag them into it plus if she does that it will be her they associate the negativity and drama with. In friendship groups we always say I'm not getting involved but even as adults at some point one is usually cut off.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 15:27

OP this doesn't justify any of her actions but do you have children?

It sounds like she's cancelling on you to spend time with other families.

What's her DP like? Does he like you? Assuming she has one, of course.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2021 16:10

I agree with others, just stop inviting her so often and perhaps turn down some invitations from her (if there are any). You don't need to cut her out entirely or actually say you're 'cooling' the friendship, you just simply become 'less available'.

She'll either step up to the mark or (more likely) the friendship will drift away to nothing. Either thing would be fine if it was me.