Am I being used by this friend?

[stepupandbecounted]

A long standing friend of 15 years has behaved pretty badly towards me.

We have had a good, solid friendship for years, over this time each being there for the other, and generally a very decent lovely relationship with lots of shared memories.
For the last few years though something shifted, she continues to come to my house for drinks, lunches, dinner, parties etc but then stopped inviting me to hers. Fair enough. I don't invite friends over to be invited back. After a while though I found out from other friends that she is in fact having lots of dinners etc and she just isn't inviting me, which wouldn't be so bad but she is always telling me (lying to me) that her birthdays are low key this year and she isn't doing anything etc. She is a bit of a networker so I found it hard to believe even at the time. I was really quite hurt, as we have celebrated our birthdays etc together for ten years or more. I let it go, after all it is up to her who she invites.

Fast forward and I had a milestone birthday in lockdown and invited a whole group of great friends to my house for a celebration last weekend. The date was sent out two months in advance, and everyone accepted. It took a long time to organise dinner and drinks, table etc for thirty people and she knows how much work it is to organise these things.

Four days before the dinner she cancelled stating she had something else on, it turned out to be a pizza night with another family. I was obviously really hurt and insulted and told her so. I think it is rude and poor form to cancel a prior fixed arrangement, particularly for a kids pizza night. My friend told me her dd was screaming to go and wouldn't take no for answer, so she felt she had no choice but to go

At this point I discussed the fact I felt our friendship had become uneven over the years, that I seem to be doing all the heavy lifting and I am not keen on continuing as we are. I genuinely can't see the point, and it is making me feel utterly shit, used and abused, and friendships shouldn't feel like this. I have better friends that do not treat me like this.

Now she is inundating me with whatsapp messages telling me that she does care, and that she hasn't had that many lunches or dinners and it is me being over sensitive! Now she has taken to just pretending none of this ever happened, all the while refusing to accept she has hurt me or even apologise for letting me down on my 40th birthday.

I am confused, if she wanted to move on and spend time with other people fair enough, but I don't think that is the case as she messages me now every single day. Yet she seems totally unwilling to actually nurture our friendship, and does not seem to have very much respect for me anymore. To cancel a special occasion at such short notice for a shoddy reason is really unkind. I think she enjoys coming to my house, hanging out with lots of friends and new people etc, but seems to feel entitled to do this without reciprocating.

I think I should let the friendship go? What do you think? What would you do?

I have seen this dynamic before and what I think has happened is that she now ranks herself higher than you socially, so you are more disposable to get if she gets a better offer (sorry). She's happy to use your hospitality as a networking opportunity but prioritises higher ranking guests at her own soirees.

That’s very insightful, @honeylulu. I’ve realised it now applies to one of my ‘friendships’. It’s so easy to make excuses for someone’s behaviour when actually if you look at the pattern again it’s best to move on.

So true take it is better to remain focused on the friends that were there, and did show up and care. I had a lovely time, but it was marred by this friend's behaviour, because I couldn't quite get over the fact she had let me down, and expected her to turn up even at the last minute as she knew by that point she had upset me.

girlmomAll the families get on, and dc are friends although older now, it is not that, I think she just considered the second invite was more valuable to her somehow. I never found out why! I am sure there was a reason though, maybe another family was invited that she wanted to be introduced to, who knows.

It is pretty shit that some people 'rank' their friends, I am still quite amazed at that. It sounds so immature and high school, but I am pretty sure there is element of that, and perhaps now I would rather be surrounded by mature grown ups, than those plotting and charting their way through ranks

I'd stop bothering with her if I were you. Don't invite her to anything, don't accept any invitation from her, just be civil when your paths cross.

Fair enough. I don't invite friends over to be invited back.

But it’s not fair to you. She has realised the gravy train of free lunches, dinners, parties and drinks is coming to an end and is desperately trying to claw her way back in. Who has told you that you don’t invite

She is no friend, dump her, this is the straw that broke the camel’s back, leave it that way and concentrate on friends who do reciprocate.

@stepupandbecounted

We share some friends, do you think it will make it difficult for them?

It hasn’t been difficult for them when you’ve not been invited to her parties, so it shouldn’t be any different when she’s not invited to yours.

Just block her and don't invite her to any of your "events" again.

You have mutual friends, so are likely to run into her, but you only need to be polite but v distant. If she attempts to engage you in conversation just cut her short and say see you around.

Just leave it now, you have said what you needed to say and well done for that. I would not invite her to anything again.
It does sound like she thinks she is above you and didn’t want to be photographed at your event. It’s not a once off, and you are not imagining it. I don’t think there is anything to be gained by trying to figure out her motives, but you know what is going on now and can’t unsee it. It was worth the party to discover her true colours.
All the best and happy birthday!

Thank you I really did enjoy it. The worst thing is I am not sure how she can consider herself above me - or anyone else, if anything from the outside looking in they would probably consider her to be the one clinging to other people's success and charm. To use her own measurements she wouldn't be ranking anywhere. Fortunately for her most of us do not decide on other people's social standing or rank her in anyway. It is such obscene and horrible thing to do.
One of the things I liked about her was her good humour, and she used to be very grounded (not any more!) She has started hanging out with a group that aren't very nice people, and perhaps it has started to affect her.

I am thankful for your replies and wisdom, this whole situation has really got me down, as I have been a brilliant friend to her, so it really is her loss.

Yes and I think she is realising her mistake now, that’s why the flurry of texts.

I have seen this dynamic before and what I think has happened is that she now ranks herself higher than you socially, so you are more disposable to get if she gets a better offer (sorry). She's happy to use your hospitality as a networking opportunity but prioritises higher ranking guests at her own soirees.

Sounds like the episode of Black Mirror, Nosedive.

She has started hanging out with a group that aren't very nice people, and perhaps it has started to affect her

Unlikely. It is more likely that she has been drawn towards like-minded people.

Thanks for your replies. I am feeling happy now to just call it a day. The friendship has run its course, and I have other friends that are much nicer than she is. The thread has given me lots of clarity. Thank you.

atlas I agree and those like like minded people are people most would probably cross the road to avoid.

Good on you for tackling her about it and making your feelings clear. It sounds as though she’s been taking you for granted and now has a wake up call. I might be tempted to give her another chance as a friend (even as a less close friend), but only if you think its worth it.

You sound like a fantastic friend, OP. It's most definitely her loss. I don't think you can come back from this ... even if she did miraculously start to step up! It's too late.

You are so right. It’s been shocking to observe this behaviour among adults. A social minefield. A lot of people rarely appear to be genuine these days. I have observed so many fake friendships and bitchiness behind the scenes. Very disappointing for you. As others have said, I would distance yourself.

I had a friend like this. After decades she couldnt find any time in her diary to spend a day with me for a milestone birthday. She could however, find days to be with other friends. She then got upset when I pulled the plug.

Another friend of years old did that wierd thing of keeping in touch to keep me warm just in case I could be useful. She refused to come out for my birthday or make even the most minimal effort such as a card. She did manage to treat acquaintances to cocktails all night the week before, spend thousands on soft furnishings and weekends away with her bfs friends. I think she thought she was putting me in my place and that she and others were of a higher value than I. Nah. She is now virtually friendless, has her bfs friends and stuck in a relationship that has to work because the only person who would actually help her was me.

It is so upsetting when you find out that you have no value to some people. But you do have value. Let her go.

Thanks ohthat I do love my friends, I really do. I agree with mint it has become a social minefield. I never ever expected to be in this position as an adult. I do have some genuine friends, but agree they are few and far between.I feel naive that I have trusted her for as long as I have. I assume the best in people until proved otherwise, but maybe I should switch that mindset to the opposite way around!