Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abandoning my brother or enabling my SIL - he’s my brother !

30 replies

Footballfrenzy2021 · 06/08/2021 21:17

My older brother is an addict. He’s been sober/clean for 25 years.
He has 2 beautiful daughters & is married to a saint. His daughters are not their children.
SIL has been amazing.

2 weeks ago a baliff turned up on the doorstep.
My brother has relapsed.
I’m so angry at him .
There are mitigating circumstances but I don’t wAnt to excuse him.
Within a week my SIL has put an offer on a house , kicked him out & wants me to love in with her (I’m single)
It’s just the time scale.
I know he’s fucked up
Do you give someone a chance ?

OP posts:
Scutterbug · 06/08/2021 21:19

Why would you move in with her? I don’t understand?

Original poster
Footballfrenzy2021 · 06/08/2021 21:22

I’m currently living on my own .
She will need help with her mortgage & to me it feels like ‘ Sex in the City’ girls when in reality I like my space & dog & food

OP posts:
sonjadog · 06/08/2021 21:25

If you don't want to move in with her, then don't. You aren't required to. If she needs help with her mortgage then she will have to find another way to get money. Making someone who doesn't want to, move in with you is not a valid way.

Otherwise, let them sort it out between them.

parietal · 06/08/2021 21:27

So are the daughters his? How old are they and who is looking after them?

BlueSuffragette · 06/08/2021 21:27

So you would be moving in with SIL to offer emotional support and to help pay the rent? Where is your brother living now? Will you still see him?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/08/2021 21:28

Sorry for your SIL but since when was someone else’s mortgage your issue- stay put

Porcupineintherough · 06/08/2021 21:28

I think it's fine if your SiL doesn't want to give your brother another chance and she shouldn't feel pressured to. Everyone has a breaking point. But I think you can be supportive of her decision and still draw boundaries around the amount and type of practical help you can offer. Cant for the life of me see why you'd want to move in together fi. And it would make it very hard for you to ever offer support to your brother (should you feel so inclined and you might not) if you did.

Flowers having an addict in the family is hard.

Faevern · 06/08/2021 21:29

No reason for you to move in with her and you don’t have to take sides, let them resolve it, where is your brother going to live? She’s put an offer in on a house, moving will take weeks or months she can find another lodger to help with her mortgage.

As for another chance, perhaps that was her last straw, he may have had lapses you don’t know about, or may have been difficult to live with.

xyzandabc · 06/08/2021 21:30

If she needs help with paying the mortgage, she can get a lodger. That lodger does not have to be you. Unless you want to of course.

Even if you did want to, I'd say it wasn't the best idea, a bit like mixing family and business. Very hard to split and separate if either the family or business relationship break down. Keep your distance and you can be there for both of them if they need your support.

altiara · 06/08/2021 21:30

You don’t know how many chances he’s had though and if you have an ultimatum, that’s it.
Also, you’re not living in her shoes, so you can’t judge.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 06/08/2021 21:31

You have no idea where their relationship was at before this. It sounds like his relapse was the deal breaker for SIL and she's carrying it out.

But, you don't have to move in with her, in fact I suspect your dB would be horrified if you were seen to be siding with her to the point of SATC sisterhood, and no doubt would complicate his recovery.

Support them both if you want to, but from arms length.

ThreeWitches · 06/08/2021 21:31

@Footballfrenzy2021

I’m currently living on my own . She will need help with her mortgage & to me it feels like ‘ Sex in the City’ girls when in reality I like my space & dog & food
So you'll be helping to pay her mortgage? Why???
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 21:37

The bottom line is that you don't want to move in - you want your own space and it doesn't benefit you. So don't move in.

Your poor SIL is lovely you say, so be her friend and support her appropriately but it's unhealthy for her, especially as someone who has lived a likely codependent / enabling and toxic relationship with an addict until very recently, to become too reliant on one other person.

She needs to build an independent life away from your brother if he has relapsed, while he seeks help. To put herself first and not feel she needs someone there to do so.

You can be her friend without moving in with her. You both sound lovely and I'm sorry you're going through this Thanks

Summerfun54321 · 06/08/2021 21:42

I’d want to help her out as she’s basically family too but it wouldn’t be by living together, that doesn’t sound like an easy solution for anyone. Can you ask if there’s any other way you could help?

saraclara · 06/08/2021 21:43

Keep well out of it. Her mortgage isn't your problem, and you have your own home and your own space. Why on earth would you move?

You really REALLY don't want to be in the middle of their problems. It's frankly quite weird to live with your own brother's estranged wife. I have no idea what she's up to in asking you to do this. Is this some kind of divide and conquer on her part?

saraclara · 06/08/2021 21:46

Why are you not trying to support your DB to get out of the mess he's in? He's been clean for 25 years. He did really well. Yes, he crashed again and you're all angry. But to choose your SIL over him? Surely he deserves some kind of moral support from his own sister, in order to get clean again?

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 06/08/2021 21:50

So her solution to not being able to afford the mortgage on the house she chose is to have you move in? Regardless of whether you actually want to or not.

And in the process, have you pick sides between them in their divorce, with the end result that you can’t help your brother because he’ll see you’ve sided with his ex?

Not to pick a house she can afford on her own.

Makes sense.

ScottishNewbie · 06/08/2021 21:52

Nope. No second chances. Family give second chances, spouses don't have to. ESPECIALLY with children involved, his or otherwise.
It will be bailiffs one day, and his dealer the next. It's dangerous and she has every right to protect herself.
And with all due respect, you don't know how many chances he's had, or what's been going on behind the scenes. If he's released he may have been absolutely vile to her in the run up to the split.
I wouldn't move in with her, but I also wouldn't pass any judgement at all.

ScottishNewbie · 06/08/2021 21:53

Relapsed not released *

Standrewsschool · 06/08/2021 21:55

You’re not obliged to move in with her. Her financial situation is not your responsibility.

You can still support your db..

saraclara · 06/08/2021 21:58

Family give second chances, spouses don't have to.

OP IS family.

No-one is judging SIL for leaving him. But to expect OP to choose her over her brother, and actually MOVE IN WITH HER? That's just weird. And pretty destructive frankly. What is that going to do to OP's brother? It's almost as if SIL is setting out to hurt him as much as she can, by taking over his sister.

TheNinny · 06/08/2021 22:17

I think it would be weird to live with ex -SIL no matter how great you get along. At some point she will move on and things will get awkward, especially if you try and support/help your brother. You may be be mad at him just now but eventually, it’s likely he will be in your life again - 25 years clean is long time for any addict, and hopefully he will get through it and be clean again for as long. You have given much details on circumstances but choosing SIL over him is a massive reaction to a first relapse in 25 yrs unless he has done something completely unforgivable. Would she take him back once he cleans up or is it over for good? If she really wants to end it with him then moving in with his family is just wrong and weird. Get a lodger or another friend to do it.

TheNinny · 06/08/2021 22:18

*havent

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2021 22:23

Moving in with your SIL would be a huge mistake, and her mortgage isn't your responsibility. You want to say no so say no. You are under no obligation to do this.

Tistheseason17 · 06/08/2021 22:34

Where are his 2 daughters going as not SILs? Or are they adults, now?