Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say it's me or his DS?

47 replies

klapre · 06/08/2021 16:19

Been lurking for a while, but want to know if I'm BU.

Been with my partner for 6 years, lived with him for 2. I have 2 children from a previous relationship, aged 13 and 10. He has a just turned 17yearold. He lives with us as his mums partner ‘didnt like him’, I agree that it is wrong for his mum to abandon him, and it isn't the case that I don't like his son here as I do, just to add.

His son is lazy, I assume it's being a teenager but not sure yet as my DS hasn't been a teenager for very long. His attitude is awful, and whenever he argues with DP, he does something for ‘revenge’ for example, drinks alcohol, uses his bank card without permission etc.

Last night, I asked his son to not swear around my DCs, he then started an argument over it by saying I couldn't tell him what to do etc, DP then told him not to speak to me like that, his son then walked off upstairs in a sulk.

We went to bed as usual, but when we got io we noticed DPs car keys were in a different place to where he left them, he asked his son about it (not accusing him of anything), his son then admitted that he drove his car last night, DP told him that they both could've gotten into a lot of trouble as his son doesn't have a license, his son said he didn't care and then DP just brushed it off.

I asked DP why he let him get away with it and he said that he didn't want to annoy his son anymore.

I have younger children who could copy his behaviour in a couple of years, and he isn't setting a good example for them. AIBU to say it's me or his son? As in, if he doesn't start disciplining his son properly, me and my DCs are moving out.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 06/08/2021 16:21

Omg no you aren’t

endofthelinefinally · 06/08/2021 16:24

In your place I would move out and take your children. You have got a very tricky situation there and it isn't in your control.
You can still try and have a relationship with your partner if you really want to, but you should separate your living arrangements and finances right now.

Anordinarymum · 06/08/2021 16:24

As a parent of teenagers once, and still remember all the stuff they did, I would say to you that you should sit down with the lad and talk to him about his attitude, but also pay attention to how tolerant you are being.

It's a give and take situation here and a fine line between peace and complete anarchy.
Communicate.

sillysmiles · 06/08/2021 16:25

You are not being unreasonable to want him to behave better but he sounds, from what you've written, to be angry and lashing out and searching for negative attention.
I'm guessing him mum "choosing" her partner over her son is really hurting him and he is pushing boundaries with ye.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 06/08/2021 16:26

Not unreasonable no but I think that would be the end of the relationship for me if a partner expected me to choose them over my child.
I'm not saying his behaviour is ok, it's not but an ultimatum won't help I don't think. Sit down with dp and discuss house rules.

Michaelangelo467 · 06/08/2021 16:30

It sounds like you’re frustrated with your partner and his parenting style. This could definitely lead to tensions as your two grow older - they will push the boundaries and if there aren’t any well kept ones in place this could lead to disaster.

Maybe a heart to heart with your partner re how to manage and respond to his son’s behaviour so you’re on the same page and approaching it as a partnership.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/08/2021 16:31

@Thehogfatherstolemycurry

Not unreasonable no but I think that would be the end of the relationship for me if a partner expected me to choose them over my child. I'm not saying his behaviour is ok, it's not but an ultimatum won't help I don't think. Sit down with dp and discuss house rules.
Have to agree with this, by "me or him" what do you mean? That he kick his son out on the street? If you want to leave then leave but don't put your husband in that position
Proudboomer · 06/08/2021 16:38

If anyone said it is me or my kids then it would be a very easy choice and it wouldn’t be my kids who were out.
This lad is clearly acting out but he is 17 and has already been rejected by his mum and a dad who has taken on two step children. He must already feel that he is at the bottom of the pile when it comes to the adults in his life.
Are you going to chuck your own kids out if the act out as teens or just his?

KatieKat88 · 06/08/2021 16:42

I think the OP meant either he starts setting boundaries with his DS or she'll leave? Not to kick out his child.

KatieKat88 · 06/08/2021 16:42

As per the last line of her OP.

Original poster
klapre · 06/08/2021 16:43

I'm not suggesting that he chuck his DS out. As I said in my OP As in, if he doesn't start disciplining his son properly, me and my DCs are moving out.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/08/2021 16:45

@klapre

I'm not suggesting that he chuck his DS out. As I said in my OP As in, if he doesn't start disciplining his son properly, me and my DCs are moving out.
Yeah I think that's fair. Do you think maybe he needs some sort of counseling as well though? Awful thing that his mother did to him, that must be the very worst of rejections for a kid, his own mother
TellySavalashairbrush · 06/08/2021 16:50

The teenager may be a pain in the arse, but I would not want to be with a man who puts me above his own child, whatever his behaviour and I think it’s wrong of you to put your partner in this position.
His son is not really wanted by his own mother and his father is now playing happy families with another family. I can see why he may be acting out to be honest.
Has anyone considered asking him how he feels about his parents separating and how it’s impacted him? Does he need some 1-2-1 time with his dad son a regular basis?
I work with challenging teenagers and 99% of the time they act up to gain attention. Even negative attention is better than none at all.

MatildaTheCat · 06/08/2021 16:50

It’s hard to know what he can actually do to discipline his son to be honest. The car theft is really serious and needs some consequences.

Unfortunately this is a rotten situation for both you and your DP. Sometimes relationships have to wait until these years are over. Could you move out and continue to have a relationship or would it be over?

Oogachuckachopsy · 06/08/2021 16:58

@klapre

I'm not suggesting that he chuck his DS out. As I said in my OP As in, if he doesn't start disciplining his son properly, me and my DCs are moving out.
I think this is totally fair. Your DP is being really fucking useless and he already has a big problem on his hands. The vengefulness is concerning.
Kite22 · 06/08/2021 17:03

@TellySavalashairbrush

The teenager may be a pain in the arse, but I would not want to be with a man who puts me above his own child, whatever his behaviour and I think it’s wrong of you to put your partner in this position. His son is not really wanted by his own mother and his father is now playing happy families with another family. I can see why he may be acting out to be honest. Has anyone considered asking him how he feels about his parents separating and how it’s impacted him? Does he need some 1-2-1 time with his dad son a regular basis? I work with challenging teenagers and 99% of the time they act up to gain attention. Even negative attention is better than none at all.
This ^

Unless you are actually looking to leave, I really wouldn't be issuing an ultimatum.

I would say to you that you should sit down with the lad and talk to him about his attitude, but also pay attention to how tolerant you are being.

It's a give and take situation here and a fine line between peace and complete anarchy.
Communicate.

Most lads go through a stage in their teens when they are pushing boundaries and looking to see how far they can challenge the authority. That is even without most lads being rejected by their own mother. I can totally see that your dp and his ds need to work through some stuff, but if you make it an ultimatum, if your oh is even a half decent person, I would fully expect him to put his energy into looking after his ds. I don't think I'd want to stay with a man who didn't do that.

LowlytheWorm · 06/08/2021 17:04

So your partners son was 11 when you got together with him? How long had he been separated? He was 13 when your children started to live with him - the same age your son is now. How would your son feel at this age facing that? Then his mum has a partner who doesn’t like him and he moves out. He probably has an internal belief that he isn’t loveable and will be pushed out so he might as well be a pest and be rejected for his behaviours rather than him as a person.
He needs more involved with the family, not less. You could maybe all have some benefit from family therapy.

Cherrysoup · 06/08/2021 17:05

Whose house is it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/08/2021 17:07

Move out. Your children need you to prioritise them. Keep dating if you want to and see him without his son.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2021 17:10

Op I think you need to get to that stage, “disciplining” someone who is basically an adult is nigh on impossible and likely going to escalate.

Exactly how would you see this discipline working? What do you think he should do? Take his phone? Ground him? There’s nothing that won’t escalate it. It’s not the same as a 13 year old

Come back when yours is 17 and talk about how successfully you discipline your near adult kids.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2021 17:11

You need to put your children first, and them living in this environment is not in their best interests. I would bet things are going to get far, far worse with his son. I couldn't be bothered dealing with all that.

Kite22 · 06/08/2021 17:26

What Bluntness100 said is spot on

54321nought · 06/08/2021 17:35

you and your partner need to sit down and decide what is to be done. Your SS is 17, basically an adult, the days when discipline would have worked are gone. He needs ground rules, and you need to decide what will happen if he does not follow them. When is he 18? Who owns the house? What are his chances of getting to university/ getting a job? All these things make a difference.

The boy needs a plan, and he needs support, but he also needs to know what will happen if he doesn't keep his end of the bargain.

What does he want to do with his life? How are you going to support him to get there? What rules does he need to follow in the house? What will happen if he doesn't follow them?

And of course, who's house is it? If the house belongs to your DP, then you and the children may need to leave, temporarily. If its yours, then DP and son may need to leave.

Birkie248 · 06/08/2021 17:35

Put your children first, the 17 yo will be influencing yours and they’ll pick up on his ‘revenge’ techniques and general disrespect.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 06/08/2021 17:38

I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum- I would move out regardless

Swipe left for the next trending thread