To say it's me or his DS?

[klapre]

Been lurking for a while, but want to know if I'm BU.

Been with my partner for 6 years, lived with him for 2. I have 2 children from a previous relationship, aged 13 and 10. He has a just turned 17yearold. He lives with us as his mums partner ‘didnt like him’, I agree that it is wrong for his mum to abandon him, and it isn't the case that I don't like his son here as I do, just to add.

His son is lazy, I assume it's being a teenager but not sure yet as my DS hasn't been a teenager for very long. His attitude is awful, and whenever he argues with DP, he does something for ‘revenge’ for example, drinks alcohol, uses his bank card without permission etc.

Last night, I asked his son to not swear around my DCs, he then started an argument over it by saying I couldn't tell him what to do etc, DP then told him not to speak to me like that, his son then walked off upstairs in a sulk.

We went to bed as usual, but when we got io we noticed DPs car keys were in a different place to where he left them, he asked his son about it (not accusing him of anything), his son then admitted that he drove his car last night, DP told him that they both could've gotten into a lot of trouble as his son doesn't have a license, his son said he didn't care and then DP just brushed it off.

I asked DP why he let him get away with it and he said that he didn't want to annoy his son anymore.

I have younger children who could copy his behaviour in a couple of years, and he isn't setting a good example for them. AIBU to say it's me or his son? As in, if he doesn't start disciplining his son properly, me and my DCs are moving out.

Firstly both you and your partner need to be “ singing of the same hymn sheet”

You both need to e the rules and the boundaries because you are all living in the house together and the behaviour affects everyone .

No threats at this stage . As a family you sit together and explain why the situation affects everyone and you want to try and move forward together .

You want him to feel wanted but also not to run rings round you .

If that does not work then obviously you may have to rethink everything.

I wonder what your DP will do when his son gets caught driving illegally and he’s faced with the choice of either telling the police his son stole the car, or taking the blame for allowing a minor to drive with no licence or insurance?

I would move out.
Your partner isn't taking his sons actions seriously at all and is scared to tell him off which is a pathetic and lazy way out.

@Sn0tnose

I wonder what your DP will do when his son gets caught driving illegally and he’s faced with the choice of either telling the police his son stole the car, or taking the blame for allowing a minor to drive with no licence or insurance?

This. Also if your SS had killed someone or himself. There could be life changing consequences to his actions other than just the police getting involved.

You would be unreasonable to ask a parent to choose between you and their child.

Just leave if the situation is untenable.

@AllTheSingleLadiess

I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum- I would move out regardless

I agree.

I couldn't have my kids around another who behaves like that.

Feel for the child, he’s been pushed aside by his mum who chose a relationship over him. I’d been pushed off too if that was me no wonder he’s playing up. You and his dad need to be careful that he doesn’t end up feeling rejected by you two also. Slow and careful

I think it's totally fair enough to say that you and your dc will move out if you're concerned that he is not addressing his son's behaviour effectively, but I wouldn't frame it as a choice between you and his ds.

It's more about him stepping up to parent his ds effectively than it is about changing what he does to keep you happy. He needs to do that regardless of whether you're around or not. Whether he can or not is a separate question. Ultimately, your dc need to be your priority though, so if you decide you need to move out, that's just what you'll have to do.

If you are so confident you could do better then take your children and leave and see how they are at 17. It isn't OK behaviour but it's not out of the ordinary for teens and any attempt to discipline could make it worse.

@helpfulperson

If you are so confident you could do better then take your children and leave and see how they are at 17. It isn't OK behaviour but it's not out of the ordinary for teens and any attempt to discipline could make it worse.

Do you really think taking a bank card and stealing and driving a car are not out of the ordinary for teenagers? Because it's not in my world. Yes, teenagers can be challenging arseholes. But things like that are not ordinary teenage behaviour and point to a child who needs help.

No you should not say it is you or his son. You should decide for yourself whether you want to stay or go.

If you put the question to your partner and he picked you, I think you would take no satisfaction in knowing that when you also know that a 17 year old has had both his parents turn their back on him.

I have teens aged 18, 16 and 13,

I really feel for you, but I can completely see both sides here.

he is 17, and his mum doesn't want him. She has chosen her new partner over him. That is devastating for a young person. The one person who is supposed to always be there for you has dumped you. There is a mountain of hurt inside that boy.

And so he is taking it out on his dad. Pushing every boundary, doing dangerous things, but letting you know he is doing them so he is caught, daring you to react, so he can then fly off the handle.

I think there is a lot of communication needed here. Some of it will get thrown back in your face, but that doesn't mean it hasn't gone in.

First with your dp. Yes it would be fine to say - step up to the mark or I will have to leave. But do it in such a way that you have a plan.

then together with ds. Primarily, and before anything else, he needs to know that his Dad wants him there, and he will ALWAYS have a home there regardless of you and your kids, and that he is loved, by his Dad. repeat the love bit about 500 times, and then every day for the next 5 years. really, this is so important.

BUT together say that you have some house rules, so that as adults/nearly adults living together, life goes smoothly. Lay some simple lines down
no taking money
no taking car
no taking drugs

These are basic respect for Dads possession and house.
Lay down now the consequence. I will cancel phone contract, or pocket money/allowance or refuse to give you lifts to football etc.

But you will get further if you approach all this from a discussion perspective. Ds - what do you think would be some reasonable house rules from our side? What would you consider to be sensible? You might be surprised what he says.

And offer something too - would he like to choose menu once a week? Agree that he gets a lift to certain thing he likes to support him, meal out with Dad occasionally (even if only Maccy D)

I'd go

@helpfulperson

If you are so confident you could do better then take your children and leave and see how they are at 17. It isn't OK behaviour but it's not out of the ordinary for teens and any attempt to discipline could make it worse.

He stole money and a car. And you don't think this is out of the ordinary behaviour?! It would be for every family I know. And you agree there should be no consequence for their actions? What would he have to do for you to think he should face some sort of sanction? Armed robbery?

Go, with your children. This is not going to be sorted out anytime soon.

We rent, and both of our names are on the tenancy.

At the end of the day, you can't ask this of him - and you'd hopefully think a lot less of a man who chose a romantic partner over his own child.

But you're right that you do need to keep your kids away from the negative influence.

Isn't it high time he focus on his future, is he in education? Time to go and rent a homeshare or something? He can't live off his parents forever. That'd be the first step.

@helpfulperson

If you are so confident you could do better then take your children and leave and see how they are at 17. It isn't OK behaviour but it's not out of the ordinary for teens and any attempt to discipline could make it worse.

Wow, what a life you lead :p

Great post Steppemum

Seconded, brilliant post Steppemum.

Just to add, my 18 year old is fab, and all ready to head off to uni in September, a really together young man.

But he is still sometimes just a kid.
And really at times his teenageness is breathtakingly selfish.
Only difference is that now, at 18, when we call him out, he realises and apologises. That wasn't true even a year ago.

17 is just a kid, and teens are fab but hideous at the same time, and you need to have bucket loads of patience and be very proactive about telling them they are loved. And learn to pick your battles etc etc.

and tell them they are loved.
lots
every day
most important message you can give them

Imagine he had suggested to your dc they went with him. To get at you it's a possibility..
Time to take your dc and leave op..