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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's Fair?

52 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 06/08/2021 05:52

Been dating boyfriend 2.5 years, first time living together.

He's purchased a townhouse with 3 apartments. 2 will be let and 1 will be ours.
His salary is $180K, mine is $85K and we split expenses in that ratio.

My question is, how much "rent" should I be paying? Apartments of this size and in this location go for $2800 a month. If we were renting from a landlord I'd be happy to do the ratio thing, but it's his mortgage and his asset and we have no marriage plans.

What's fair ? Anything else to consider? I'm 23 if that is relevant.

OP posts:
BritWifeInUSA · 06/08/2021 06:10

Then you should pay $2800. If you didn’t have a boyfriend that’s what you’d be paying. And why not get used to it? If you broke up tomorrow that’s what you’d be paying also.

girlmom21 · 06/08/2021 06:14

You should still pay proportionately IMO. It doesn't matter whether it's his mortgage - you're choosing to live there.

If you're not paying towards his mortgage, you'll be paying rent to a landlord anyway, which is exactly the same.

RedHelenB · 06/08/2021 06:19

Is this likely to end in marriage? If I were the boyfriend I'd say 50/50 on bills but wouldn't expect rent.

clickychicky · 06/08/2021 06:20

I'd treat it as if you were both renting it so pay the proportion of the market rate you would if you were both renting the place. If he's bought somewhere really fancy then I would go for the average market rate on the rent in your area as you might have rented somewhere more average.

clickychicky · 06/08/2021 06:21

If he then turns round and says no that's ok, pay a lot less/nothing I'd pay the equivalent into a bank account so you can save for your own deposit/in case things go wrong.

Makinglemonadefromlemons · 06/08/2021 06:22

I would say 1/2 his mortgage
On your apartment, so 1/6 of his mortgage for the complete property, plus 1/2 the bills, food etc.
You are in a relationship, he's not there to make money off you.
What does he feel would be reasonable? This is something you really need to talk over with him, being able to talk about things like this is essential.
I would be putting as much money as possible away, so that you have options should your relationship not work out, make sure you have the deposit and first 6 months rent tucked away, so you are in a position of strength, that said I really hope that it works out for you.

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 06:22

I think its fair to split the rent on that ratio.

Look at it as rent. When you rent, you pay your landlords mortgage with no further rights to the equity in the property.

But I would make sure you have some sort of agreement, so he can't just ask you to leave short notice. Not sure what the rules are around cohabitation in (I presume the US or canada). But in the UK, the person who isnt named ontbe mortgage or lease can find themselves in very bad positions, if the relationship ends.

clickychicky · 06/08/2021 06:23

Or he might be happy for you to just pay the proportion of the mortgage, rather than cover the additional costs. But any 'discount' is up to him.

MindyStClaire · 06/08/2021 06:30

DH and I were in a similar position at your age (although just the one apartment that we lived in). We split everything 50/50 as earnings were similar, I paid half the mortgage and viewed it as rent. I don't actually know how that compared to the going rate for rent.

If the mortgage is significantly less than the rent, I'd discuss paying a proportion of the mortgage so you can build up some security of your own. He may well be fine with that as he would probably be living there and paying the whole amount if he were single.

nancydroo · 06/08/2021 07:09

I think it's fair for you to pay towards bills and 'rent' mirroring the ratio of your incomes. However, as it is his property essentially he should pay for any big expenses in the future, such as new kitchen etc

SavoyCabbage · 06/08/2021 07:20

If we were renting from a landlord I'd be happy to do the ratio thing, but it's his mortgage and his asset and we have no marriage plans.

Are you saying you think you should pay half of the market rent?

Has he always planned to live in one of the properties. What does he think you should pay?

I honestly think if he says you can pay the ratio amount I'd do that and save the rest. You might need your own deposit one day.

That might not be quite fair but that's what I'd do,

MarianneUnfaithful · 06/08/2021 07:26

Contribute to his mortgage for the apartment (not the building as a whole) in the same ratio as you do bills.

You are getting a good deal: in your own rental or a flat share with a friend you would be paying 50/50. When you pay rent, you pay your landlord’s mortgage.

The only issue would be if the apartment and share of costs, even on that ratio, is generally way more expensive than you would pay if you were not living with him.

Do create your own savings pot. If you continue living together, plan to eventually buy your own property to rent out.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/08/2021 07:50

I think since you're not married/no kids - you've been really lucky to be splitting expenses by ratio to date. That's essentially 30% for you, whereas any other friendship would be 50%. So, as a minimum you should pay the ratio rent, but it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to ask for 50%.

Taliskerskye · 06/08/2021 07:50

The 2 factors I would look at are;
Would you live in this expensive area in an expensive flat if you weren’t with him?

And what does he expect you to pay

wannabeamummysobad · 06/08/2021 08:51

@ThePriceOfSugar

Been dating boyfriend 2.5 years, first time living together.

He's purchased a townhouse with 3 apartments. 2 will be let and 1 will be ours.
His salary is $180K, mine is $85K and we split expenses in that ratio.

My question is, how much "rent" should I be paying? Apartments of this size and in this location go for $2800 a month. If we were renting from a landlord I'd be happy to do the ratio thing, but it's his mortgage and his asset and we have no marriage plans.

What's fair ? Anything else to consider? I'm 23 if that is relevant.

Has he asked you to contribute to the mortgage? Personally I wouldn't contribute anything towards the mortgage - ultimately he'd be paying it 100% if you weren't there. The only thing you are adding expense wise is bills so that's all you need to contribute to.

Especially if there are no marriage plans as all you are doing is adding to his equity.

When DH and I were dating we lived together- I never contributed to his mortgage for the year we lived together before marriage (though I had my own mortgage elsewhere which I paid in full).

Each to their own I guess but if he's renting out other units his mortgage for all 3 is likely more than covered. If he asked me to pay I'd ask to see the accounts for all 3 and potentially contribute the lesser of market rent or the profit delta in the ratio of earnings . He's your partner not your LL...
I will say I'd recommend saving what you would have been paying in rent so that if it doesn't end in marriage you've got a nest egg to start again. If it does continue to marriage you've both got extra cash to contribute towards your future lives together.

Carinna · 06/08/2021 08:55

If you contribute towards the mortgage you will have a legal claim on the house if you move out. I expect he doesn’t want that. It’s his house, he pays for it as if you’re not there, and then you contribute towards the bills that have actually increased because you live there.

eightyfourandahalf · 06/08/2021 09:38

@BritWifeInUSA

Then you should pay $2800. If you didn’t have a boyfriend that’s what you’d be paying. And why not get used to it? If you broke up tomorrow that’s what you’d be paying also.
why on earth should the OP pay full rent when they are living together for a start? Confused

At most it should be half the mortgage and half the bills.

But refusing to pay because it goes to his mortgage and not to the mortgage of an unknown landlord is just as ridiculous - sharing the costs is fair.

I would ask him what he thinks and go from there.

NailsNeedDoing · 06/08/2021 09:46

It would be ‘his’ mortgage and ‘his’ asset if ‘he’ were a landlord and not your boyfriend. I’d say you need to pay half of all bills including mortgage, or if you’re both happy to split costs proportionately, then do that with the total of all bills, including his mortgage.

CatsArePeople · 06/08/2021 09:56

You need to document EVERYTHING. Keep every single bill and receipt. Don't given him cash, only via bank. Your contributions, and if you pay or buy any household appliances, etc.
You're not planning marriage, but it's a long-term relationship, kids might happen and other things. You may lose out.

DillonPanthersTexas · 06/08/2021 09:58

Personally I wouldn't contribute anything towards the mortgage - ultimately he'd be paying it 100% if you weren't there. The only thing you are adding expense wise is bills so that's all you need to contribute to.

So you would expect to live completely rent free in the above scenario. You just sound like a CF to be honest.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/08/2021 10:05

If it were me - I'd split bills but not the mortgage, or pay only a small amount towards the 'rent'.

CatsArePeople · 06/08/2021 10:06

So you would expect to live completely rent free in the above scenario. You just sound like a CF to be honest.

I probably wouldn't move in with a man knowing he's not planning to marry me.

someonelockthefridgealready · 06/08/2021 10:11

I would split proportionally, but if he's making a profit on renting the other apartments, I would include that income too when calculating everything.

Nobloat21 · 06/08/2021 10:14

Who wants marriage in their early 20s?

You need to pay for the roof over your head.

Ponoka7 · 06/08/2021 10:17

You need to build up a security of savings for if the relationship ends and you are homeless. Most people I know in your circumstances and I know plenty of women in your BFs position don't take a share for the mortgage because then you'll have a claim on the property. So they only split the bill money and some home furnishings cost. Living together might not work out, don't leave yourself vulnerable. Remember that you aren't married and anything he's building is his alone. You only have what's in your bank account and what you fully paid for.