Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What's Fair?

52 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 06/08/2021 05:52

Been dating boyfriend 2.5 years, first time living together.

He's purchased a townhouse with 3 apartments. 2 will be let and 1 will be ours.
His salary is $180K, mine is $85K and we split expenses in that ratio.

My question is, how much "rent" should I be paying? Apartments of this size and in this location go for $2800 a month. If we were renting from a landlord I'd be happy to do the ratio thing, but it's his mortgage and his asset and we have no marriage plans.

What's fair ? Anything else to consider? I'm 23 if that is relevant.

OP posts:
DillonPanthersTexas · 06/08/2021 10:17

I probably wouldn't move in with a man knowing he's not planning to marry me.

Each to their own but how can you possibly make that decision without living together first, that is when you really get to know someone. Moving in together is certainly a stepping stone on the way to marriage but to assume someone is 'planning' to marry you prior to moving in together in is a big ask.

wannabeamummysobad · 06/08/2021 10:23

@DillonPanthersTexas , I'm not a catfish. I'm a 30 something female who has given an opinion... does having a contrary opinion make me a catfish?

The situation the original poster referenced is one I lived ahead of marrying DH earlier this year. I paid my mortgage for another property whilst living with him- I didn't contribute anything (partly because I had my own outgoings, partly because he never asked me to contribute).

Why should a bf financially benefit from a living arrangement? That makes no sense to me. Maybe things run differently in Texas

wannabeamummysobad · 06/08/2021 10:25

@CatsArePeople couldn't agree more.

KrisAkabusi · 06/08/2021 10:25

@DillonPanthersTexas

Personally I wouldn't contribute anything towards the mortgage - ultimately he'd be paying it 100% if you weren't there. The only thing you are adding expense wise is bills so that's all you need to contribute to.

So you would expect to live completely rent free in the above scenario. You just sound like a CF to be honest.

This! Can you imagine the outrage if this was a man suggesting not paying any rent? Cocklodger would be the most frequently used word on the thread!
ZenNudist · 06/08/2021 10:30

Take 1/3 of mortgage cost as you are using one of three apartments and then split that cost in your ratio to account for your share.

eightyfourandahalf · 06/08/2021 10:36

Why should a bf financially benefit from a living arrangement?

it's completely irrelevant it's a BF or GF. It the couple was renting a place, they would share costs, so what's different?

If you are uncomfortable that you pay rent while he pays a mortgage, fair enough, but then you need your own place.

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 10:38

Has he asked you to contribute to the mortgage?
Personally I wouldn't contribute anything towards the mortgage - ultimately he'd be paying it 100% if you weren't there. The only thing you are adding expense wise is bills so that's all you need to contribute to.

Never understand this thinking. Why would an adult get to live rent free somewhere?

Of course is he lived on his own he would pay it all himself. But he isn't getting the space all to himself. Op also wants to move in. She is under no obligation to do so.

Doesn't matter if the only think someone is adding is bills. Op would be getting to live somewhere rent free. That's not fair either.

Dp lives in my house, if he felt he should get free rent because I managed to get a mortgage, which all my money went into, I would have told him he wasn't moving in.

If op rented somewhere else, she would be paying her landlords mortgage, not sure why this is any different.

EngelbertsRumpispink · 06/08/2021 10:45

[quote wannabeamummysobad]@DillonPanthersTexas , I'm not a catfish. I'm a 30 something female who has given an opinion... does having a contrary opinion make me a catfish?

The situation the original poster referenced is one I lived ahead of marrying DH earlier this year. I paid my mortgage for another property whilst living with him- I didn't contribute anything (partly because I had my own outgoings, partly because he never asked me to contribute).

Why should a bf financially benefit from a living arrangement? That makes no sense to me. Maybe things run differently in Texas [/quote]
@wannabeamummysobad

CF means Cheeky Fucker, not catfish.

FinallyHere · 06/08/2021 11:07

There is no simple answer, it genuinely depends on lots of things.

Does he need your contribution in order to cover his costs? Did you agree to this ahead of moving in?

Do you get your own room or are you also sharing his bed ?

Do you make decisions jointly or is it very much his place ?

Do you see a long term future together ?

Might you have a family together?

Would you get married or is there some reason that they would never be possible ?

Who is named in his will?

How much income do you each have left over after bills are paid?

What lifestyle do you lead? Are you a trophy girlfriend who is expected to look glamorous at big social events , with all the maintenance that involves?

How are your incomes each likely to change in the years to come? Will you catch him up or even outstrip him or is that very unlikely?

How does half the mortgage on the flat or your usual proportion of bills compare to the rent you were paying before moving in?

I would be inclined to think that your fair contribution would be whatever rent you used to pay or would have paid. The apartment may be nicer than where you lived before, but would you have chosen to pay more yourself to live in a nicer space?

What you do with that contribution, explicitly put it towards the mortgage, give him rent, save it for your own deposit in future, put it into an account for joint holidays / fun spending or continue your punishing regime of hair extensions, diet and exercise and regular glamorous outfits
... would depend on your answer to these questions.

With hindsight, I would do whatever ensured that I got equal say in financial decisions.

FinallyHere · 06/08/2021 11:09

your usual proportion of bills I mean using that ration to decide your proportion of the mortgage costs?

DillonPanthersTexas · 06/08/2021 11:13

Why should a bf financially benefit from a living arrangement? That makes no sense to me.

Why should the gf benefit financially from a living arrangement by expecting to pay zero rent? Just seems very entitled to me. For most people these days their rent is a sizable chunk of their income, under your proposal that rent becomes disposable income. Nice!

When my now wife moved in with me (flat with mortgage in my name) we sat down and discussed finances, she immediately offered to pay half the going rate as rent. I did not think that was fair as I earned way more then her even though her proposed rent was less then what she was paying in a flatshare so would technically be better off. I also found out she was carrying some credit card debt, not huge but enough to be a concern. I proposed she put what was her current rent towards paying off her debts, and we go half on bills and food. Also, if things progressed between us where we ended up buying a place together her credit score/ability to get finance would be in a better position. The fact is she offered to make a contribution even though I declined it, I would have been very unimpressed if she just rocked up with her bags expected to pay nothing.

Thelnebriati · 06/08/2021 11:36

The reason people think the live in partner should pay 50% bills but no rent is because in some places paying rent or mortgage gives you a claim on the property.

ChainJane · 06/08/2021 11:39

You should be paying 50% of the market rent for the property and 50% of the other bills.

quizqueen · 06/08/2021 11:39

You're on a great salary, buy your own property. Don't waste money on rental income to your boyfriend ,that's money down the drain

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/08/2021 11:48

Half of his mortgage for that particular flat, plus half of bills?

As a pp has said he’s not there to make money out of you.

I refused to do this though - to move in to a boyfriend’s flat and pay half his mortgage. His choice was to continue renting with me and wait until we could buy together or go and buy on his own. I felt it would really skew the relationship.

He ended up waiting a little bit, we bought together, then got married and then divorced. I strongly suspect if I’d moved in with him to pay his mortgage for him we’d never have got married, we’d have drifted into having children unmarried, and I’d have ended up with no assets on divorce.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/08/2021 11:48

Not on divorce- on separation it would have been!

Lockdownbear · 06/08/2021 11:55

@quizqueen

You're on a great salary, buy your own property. Don't waste money on rental income to your boyfriend ,that's money down the drain
That is definitely another way to look at it. On one hand it seems unfair to him for Op not to contribute. But on the other he will benefit long term from the investment at the Ops expense if she pays him rent.

I think the discussion should have been made before the Op moved or considered moving in.

Normally as a tennent you have rights, and legal protection from eviction. Would Op have any of that? What happens if something happens to him?

Someone might want to explore the tax implications for him taking rent - is it an income which needs to be declared?

Would he have a lodger in the flat if Op wasn't there?

I think the logic that Op should bank the equivalent rent money seems fair. If they decide to stay together long term they can use her investment on a bigger property.

UDontDans2Tekno · 06/08/2021 12:15

@BritWifeInUSA

Then you should pay $2800. If you didn’t have a boyfriend that’s what you’d be paying. And why not get used to it? If you broke up tomorrow that’s what you’d be paying also.
Is she living there alone then?
Selttan · 06/08/2021 12:18

I think you should pay in proportion to your salary vs his salary of what is less whether it's mortgage or market rent plus split bills.

I don't think you should have to pay market rent if the mortgage is less. I'd say yes if you were just roommates but as you are in a relationship it should be what is the lower cost.

phishy · 06/08/2021 12:47

@BritWifeInUSA

Then you should pay $2800. If you didn’t have a boyfriend that’s what you’d be paying. And why not get used to it? If you broke up tomorrow that’s what you’d be paying also.
Shock
Mustgethelppls · 06/08/2021 12:52

My husband and I do 50/50 £1000 rent he pays and I pay £1000 food shopping and bills and a few extra bits such as car insurance and tax I pay. He earns double what I do so he transferred the council tax into his bank and I told him not to but he wanted to contribute a little bit more because he earns much more. He also pays for food shopping sometimes and other bits like fill car with petrol. But I think it depends on you both as a couple. Everyone is different x

wannabeamummysobad · 06/08/2021 13:52

@EngelbertsRumpispink thank you for letting me know-Wasn't aware of that.

Lockdownbear · 06/08/2021 14:31

Op I've just came up with another idea, I'm assuming he has a repayment mortgage.

You pay a share of the interest on your flat. He pays the capital - which is ineffective his investment.

And you put money in savings so if you end up going separate ways you both have your own investment / savings to fall back on.

I definitely don't think he should be financially gaining at your expense.

MarianneUnfaithful · 06/08/2021 14:44

@Lockdownbear

Op I've just came up with another idea, I'm assuming he has a repayment mortgage.

You pay a share of the interest on your flat. He pays the capital - which is ineffective his investment.

And you put money in savings so if you end up going separate ways you both have your own investment / savings to fall back on.

I definitely don't think he should be financially gaining at your expense.

The difference between interest and capital is a good thought.

But in the end, if the OP does not contribute, then SHE is benefitting at HIS expense by not having any tent expense, because he is paying to pay for a roof over both their heads.

Lockdownbear · 06/08/2021 14:59

But the other way to look at is it's money he'd be paying anyway and he'll have something to show for it at the end of the day.

But I think a contribution to the interest would be fair as if she was buying herself she would be paying interest too.