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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell parents I don’t want them at graduation?

37 replies

Daineseturbo · 06/08/2021 00:20

Late thirties - Graduation ceremony in the next few weeks with a Masters (3rd degree in total). Disagreement with my OH about not wanting my parents to know about it. Logic is simple - not once an ounce of support, guidance or encouragement when I was much younger and probably needed it - they would even avoid the subject of education entirely, in what was an absolutely shocking and abusive and neglectful upbringing. So as far as I’m concerned, I’ve done it all myself despite them - so don’t want them to believe somehow they made any of it happen and get any pleasure from it. If anything, want to rub their noses in it... “look what I did despite the shit you put me through”. Fuckers.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 06/08/2021 00:22

What’s it got to do with your OH? Of course don’t invite them if you don’t want to.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 06/08/2021 00:24

It's your degree so your call who you tell and who goes. If you wanted a diplomatic solution, you could say Covid means fewer tickets than usual so only your partner can go.

Faithlulu · 06/08/2021 00:25

I wouldn’t invite them, just because they are your parents does not mean you owe them anything

ChargingBuck · 06/08/2021 00:27

Why even bother mentioning it to them?
If they don't know about it, they can't turn up.

Congratulations!

GertietheGherkin · 06/08/2021 00:30

No I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Why should they be allowed to claim the glory? Standing alongside others who have made huge sacrifices, and supported their kids/ loved ones education. They've not earned that right.
They'd probably want a photo session so they could hang it on the wall, and brag how proud they are.

If your partner disagrees with your wishes, then they need to understand why you feel the way you do. If they can't respect your feelings/ wishes... I'd be questioning if they were the right person to be with to be honest.

Congratulations on your achievements by the way. That's certainly something to be proud of yourself for.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 06/08/2021 00:44

YANBU.

It's your graduation - you don't have to have toxic people there no matter what your DH says.

Some people have NO idea what it's like to be raised by people like this, or even that others don't have rosy childhoods

Longdistance · 06/08/2021 01:00

Your oh is being weird. You don’t want them there and don’t particularly want them to know. Fair enough.

Well done on your achievement 👏

memberofthewedding · 06/08/2021 01:03

Your description of the lack of support you got in childhood and your parent's attitude to education mirrors my own experience. I was a child in the late 1950s and going to uni did not even arise as an option. I was not even allowed to stay on for A levels but had to leave school at 15 and contribute to the family budget. To be fair there was little money around for working class families in the austerity years after WWII. However my golden princess sister never wanted for anything. Every pound I gave my mother for my keep went onto her back.

I went to uni in my 40s and went right through the education system to Ph.d. level. I would love my parents for have come to my first degree graduation but they were not interested. I gave my tickets to a colleague whose mother was having chemotherapy so her other two sisters could help to support her. They had a place right on the front row in the VIP seats - where my parents could have sat had they bothered to come. It hurt me that some parents had come from India and beyond to see their children graduate. Mine could not come from Liverpool to Manchester.

Years later, when my father had become partially sighted, they were being assisted by a charity for ex service people. When he heard that I was in the final stages of my doctorate their visitor offered to arrange a car and driver for the day to enable my parents to come to the graduation. I refused because its not the same. With your first degree you graduate with all the people on your course and everyone has their families around them. Its a very special day. When you do a doctorate by research you work alone, with only your supervisor to guide you. So you dont graduate in a group.

I think it was only then that my parents realised how much of an issue it was with me, and the fact that I still held it against them.

Too much water had gone under the bridge.

Enjoy your special day with your DH

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/08/2021 01:55

Your DH cannot imagine you not having your parents there because he cannot imagine him not having his parents there. Thats because he cannot imagine having parents like yours. I am sure he believes what you say but wants to think that perhaps they "werent that bad" because, again, he cannot imagine parents being like that.

Dont fall out with him about it. Simply say "I do not want them there, I will not be telling them about it and I will not be inviting them. This is my celebration of my achievement and I will be calling the shots on this".

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2021 02:28

Your husband needs to wind his neck in. This isn't even remotely any of his business.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2021 02:33

I think giving them headspace at what is a great time for you is sad. Just enjoy your success without it being about them for good or ill.

BetsyBigNose · 06/08/2021 07:14

@Daineseturbo, @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop, @memberofthewedding and anyone else with shitty, poorly behaved parents - I am so sorry that none of you had the parental support or encouragement with your education that you should have had. I hope that you haven't let toxic people ruin your own sense of achievement - after all, you managed to get to where you are in spite of them, HUGE congratulations!

Pottedpalm · 06/08/2021 07:28

I would tell them nut not mention an invite. If they ask, say just DH is going. You can imply it’s due to Covid, or not. Is there someone else who helped you that you would like to attend?

unidentifed · 06/08/2021 07:28

YANBU.

OhCobblers · 06/08/2021 07:41

You are absolutely right to not want them there. Make sure he doesn't get any silly ideas of having them there as a "surprise"!

Most importantly, CONGRATULATIONS on your 3rd degree!! What an amazing achievement!!

DrWankincense · 06/08/2021 07:47

Yanbu.
I stupidly invited my parents to the graduation of my post doctorate which was so important to me. They declined because my father had a checkup less than 2 miles away at a different time which would have actually made it easier for them to attend.
Afterwards it was clear they just found it very boring and not worthy of note....unless they are bragging to their neighbours and random people that their child is a 'Dr'.
They are also fuckers, op.
Do what makes you happy, and congratulations on your achievement.

barbrahunter · 06/08/2021 08:12

Congratulations OP! I'm another whose parents (and EXDH) actively discouraged me when I was studying as an adult. My parents couldn't even tell you what discipline I studied.

All that doesn't matter though...you did it !!

MrsToothyBitch · 06/08/2021 08:32

YANBU. If you would resent them being there, don't invite them and let them ruin it!

Just make sure you have a nice day doing what you want, to celebrate. My cousin refused to attend his graduation because of his mum. He finds his mother embarassing because she is attention seeking and he didn't want her there. When she implied she was unhappy and hurt about the exclusion and would find a way to celebrate with him, he said that what exactly what he feared because she is ott and dies with out attention and invariably plays for it- and gets ridiculous. To avoid drama or hurt feelings, he said graduation day was nbd to him and skipped it- so no celebration of any form at all. I think he would like to have had the day, just not with her trying to own it. She did care but didn't listen, so it just came out wrong. He lives in Canada now...

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 06/08/2021 08:35

Up to you. I didn’t even go to my own MA graduation so your parents definitely have no right to demand to be there.

Ragwort · 06/08/2021 08:38

Of course you don't need to invite them, don't even mention it, most people will assume that there aren't any Graduation Ceremonies this year anyway (is your's definitely going ahead?).

Like All, I didn't even go to my own ceremony and my DPs ( who were actually very supportive) never commented on the fact that we didn't have a 'celebration'.

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 06/08/2021 08:44

I thought most Unis only give out 2 guest tickets, so if they do find out (from your OH?) you can tell them there are no spare tickets as numbers are restricted. Put up your graduation photo on your wall and celebrate your well earned acheivement without them 🥂

burnoutbabe · 06/08/2021 08:48

We couldn't even send out zoom invites to guests (ours was online) so my parents had to just see a few screen grabs. (My 2nd degree)

So doubt many in person graduations are likely to go on. Not inside any venue like before.

stepupandbecounted · 06/08/2021 08:53

Well done for your massive and wonderful achievement!

Really this is your moment op, and you do not need to invite them (or anyone). Don't mention it to them and enjoy your achievements in the way you want to. I am not sure this has anything whatsoever to do with dh, and why isn't he supporting your position? He clearly does not seem to fully comprehend the difficulties you have had.

Read the book "educated' it will certainly inspire you to take control and follow your own destiny and leave the F* behind.

Horehound · 06/08/2021 08:54

Are they asking to go?

Cause if not it's a non issue.

tara66 · 06/08/2021 08:55

Congratulation! It's your day. Enjoy!

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